Would you or would you not have a funeral for a toddler should they pass for whatever reason?
I was kinda shocked that my husband thought I was a monster for thinking it’s unnecessary.
The way I see it, you can’t be attached to the child until they’re old enough to display personality, which comes way later than the toddler stage; I just can’t see myself having any attachment before their personality develops. If this happened to me, I’d just chalk it up to a ~2 year time loss and go for another pregnancy. Thoughts?
Funerals are for the living, not for the dead.
If enough people had gotten to know the toddler that the ritual of a funeral would be comforting and connecting for them, I would have a funeral.
If the toddler only really made a mark on one or both of the parents, I would have a small, more intimate ceremony instead.
If the toddler hasn’t yet made its mark on anyone yet, then the funeral serves no one.
you can’t be attached to the child until they’re old enough to display personality, which comes way later than the toddler stage; I ha just can’t see myself having any attachment before their personality develops
If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. I’m gonna hazard a guess that the vast majority of people, especially pregnant/miscarriage/parents do not feel this way.
This exactly. Everyone is free to grieve in their own way, but i would say for most expecting parents, the attachment starts way before the child is born.
Before they’re born
That’s wild to me, but I guess understandable since there are pro life people out there.
I’m as pro-choice as anyone, but when a child is wanted and expected, you start imagining their future long before they’re born.
I think this is a very valid answer as to why someone would hold a funeral for a toddler. Funerals are for the living, and it makes perfect sense a parent might want to mourn the future their child never got to have.
You can’t be attached to the child until they’re old enough to display personality
This has to be trolling. It has to be, right? Either that or you’ve legitimately never interacted with a baby, let alone a toddler, and you’ve never spoken to a parent or seen a caring parent interact with their child.
I promise I’m not trolling; I’m just asking in good faith. I’ll chalk it up to having an unpopular opinion🤷🏽♂️
If you’re not trolling then I can only assume you have had literally zero experience with babies born to close friends and family? Babies have personalities within weeks of being born. By 2 they’re walking, talking little people. To say you would have no attachment to them points to either zero experience or an emotional issue.
People are disagreeing, but there is also the fact that the question reveals something about you. The people who say you might have some kind of empathy disorder could be right. That part is beyond disagreeing. If you care about people around you I think you should be open to the possibility.
It’s just bait. Parents get attached before the baby is even born. They’re looking for a reaction, probably
Yes, troll talk. Leave and don’t come back to this thread. Also, why would you have a funeral for a dog?
This has happened before to me: we’ve adopted dogs that just didn’t make it, and even loving on them while they were around, if they passed less than a month in, I’d just move on immediately and adopt again. Surely attachment isn’t in the instant of adoption or birth, right?
Surely attachment isn’t in the instant of adoption or birth, right?
The instant of birth, sometimes; sometimes it’s before the birth even. Sometimes it does take time; my friend didn’t feel much when his sons were born but he got attached very quickly. Still, his is the only case I’ve heard of my parent friends not getting attached at birth or before.
I think this is just highly individual, which is why do baby people are responding so negatively. I also think that if you do end up having kids of your own, you might be surprised at how much you care about them even before the birth. Or, maybe not. I just know there’s a good chance your emotions won’t do what you think they will.
I’m told that you get that attachment as soon as they pop out. But what do I know.
Have you actually been pregnant or raised a baby? They show plenty of personality long before toddler stage, assuming you choose to pay attention and interact with them.
So totally true. I’m glad to see my intended comment so well phrased. My son was full of personality from the moment his eyes opened (and I melted).
As for funeral - myself, I don’t see the point of one for anyone. They don’t care. If the people left behind feel the need to do something they can but I don’t see the point of it.
The point is for the people who care about the deceased. It gives closure and a chance to say any last words.
No and no
I don’t think you should be expressing a strong opinion on the matter one way or another then.
Have you considered he’s correct? I wouldn’t say monster, but there is a very cold lack of empathy in you argument, like it’s being made by a machine and not a person. Funerals are for the people left behind, not for the dead.
This is one hell of a red flag for your husband.
I don’t post on here often, but I feel compelled to ask you to consider not having a child. I can’t express how damaging it would be for a child to experience such an utter lack of empathy during their first few years of life and I’m highly suspect of your capacity to suddenly turn it on for them when they are older. Just to be clear, I’m not saying you’re an inherently and person or a monster, but you are most certainly not emotionally prepared to be a parent.
It sounds like you’re not the type of person who wants to have kids. And that’s fine, you do you.
But if you’re interested in another perspective: I had close friends of mine lose one of their twin daughters at only a couple months of age. I played a song at their funeral. And it was, by a large margin, the saddest funeral I have ever attended. In addition to the parents definitely having a strong connection to the child, there’s something tragic about a young innocent life being snuffed out so early.
As another poster mentioned, this may have something to do with cultural differences. Which again is fine, just take the opportunity to have a serious conversation with your husband about what parenthood means to both of you. It’s one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do, and being caught by differing expectations (especially to this degree) when you’re exhausted with sleep deprivation is not ideal.
I am uncertain why nobody has said this but here goes.
The brain is very good at recognising babies and making you like them, especially if it considers them yours. An important part of pregnancy and giving birth is that the mother’s brain produces hormones that make her attached to the kid. That’s to make sure she doesn’t just abandon the little shit the second it starts being annoying. This also includes the father, if he’s involved with the process, albeit probably to a slightly lesser degree because it’s by proxy. To them, that kid isn’t “new” but, as it were, has been around for several months already.
That’s why you’re coming across as absurdly weird saying that parents can’t have formed an emotional attachment with their newborn.
Edit: I said “she” for mothers and “he” for fathers but any pronouns apply of course.
Granted I’m commenting this with no kids, having never liked children ages 0-6, and never interacting with any under maybe 7-8 years:
It’s not that I don’t want to protect the kid, but if it were their death out of my control, I just can’t see myself being at all sad in their passing if they’re younger than 5. Would I want or allow harm to come to them? Absolutely not, but worse come to worse, it’s just loss and move on?
You’d be surprised. There’s definitely something about it that changes you. I can’t watch most Disney movies without tearing up anymore, and before kids, I would have found that very hard to believe. If that kid is walking, you’ll definitely have grown more attached than you expect.
never interacting with any under maybe 7-8 years
So, you were born at 18+, eh?
I just can’t see myself being at all sad in their passing if they’re younger than 5.
“You must circle the sun this many times before I give a shit about you.”
Okay but that’s because you haven’t experienced it. It’s not something you consciously control, it’s an automatic process that your brain triggers for you in that particular situation. You currently lack the chemicals to feel that way because there’s no kid to feel that way about for you. Which is fine. Just accept that it’s outside of your frame of reference.
I can’t imagine not wanting to draw all day. How does that work? Why wouldn’t you want to do nothing but draw? So weird how people choose to do other things instead.
I used to have a very low opinion of kids younger than 5, and genuinely had no idea what they were capable of. I remember having similar thoughts about parents grieving babies, because for milennia we as a species had to deal with children dying all the time, to the point of not even naming them before certain ages. I have a toddler now and boy did I underestimate them. Did you know some speak in full sentences by two and a half? We taught our kid sign language when he was 8 months old so he could tell us what he needed, and by ten months he was telling us he loved trucks, had a surprisingly high tolerance for hot sauce and was a major cuddle bug who had a different favorite color every day (but mostly yellow and blue). He’s three now and knows how to crack jokes, build block castles, can do forward and backward floor somersaults, and even can even do some basic rock climbing. I have parent friends with kids similar ages, one has their kid writing already, another has their kid riding a bicycle, all under 4 years old. They come out of the gate with very distinctive personalities, and every kid is different. I think if you actually knew a toddler well enough to get to know them, you’d realize just how quickly they become a fully realized person.
You shouldn’t have kids. And if your husband does want kids he should find someone other than you and start a family with them.
I really honestly do appreciate the perspectives here. I really wasn’t trying to be an ass.
Please don’t have kids.
i think it is a fine way to accept death. to be fair, that emotional resilience and adaptability is astounding.
but, since this matter is just not your own, i do hope you talk and work things out with your husband and find a cormon ground of acceptance.
for me, i would have a moment of grief and at least offer a small memory to the child (these are financially hard times). i am not sure how long i can recover from grief but i think it is for a good cause.
I just can’t see myself having any attachment before their personality develops. If this happened to me, I’d just chalk it up to a ~2 year time loss and go for another pregnancy. Thoughts?
Yeah, don’t have kids. Or babysit. Or own a houseplant. Holy hell.
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This damned planned obsolescence! They just don’t make kids like they used to.
To be fair that was the prevailing mindset for centuries.
Male mindset. The women loved every one of those babies. I remember talking to an old lady who’d lost 7 children and when I asked her if she ever thought of them she said “every morning when I tie on my bonnet.” (she wore national dress, this was somewhere in the seventies)
No, personal mindset. Stop laying everything you don’t like at the feet of “men” at large. I’ve been an ally my whole life, but I identify as a cishet man, and I’m tired of the prejudice against my penis. Nothing about being a man requires a lack of emotion or empathy. Some people are just arseholes.
As well, you claim every single woman loved every single one of her babies, throughout all of human history, because you spoke to one woman who felt that way. Statistically, you are unlikely to be correct in your assertion.
At the end of the day this is anecdotal too of course but I will say that there are a lot of historical documents like diaries and letters that somewhat support this claim. I’ve seen some where fathers mourned their children but many also just wrote something like “Youngest died from a fever. Was weak from the get-go so whatever.” (I’m paraphrasing) which is something that I’ve never seen in a document written by a woman. I don’t think that this has anything to do with men being inherently less emotional rather than arbitrary gender roles but still.
OP is ostensibly a woman, so, no. Your misandry is showing.
Still the prevailing mindset in some less developed countries
They didn’t even name them until they were older because they lost so many early.
