Everyone is different

I think for a man it’s always useful to master the art of foreplay.

For me, having sex is synonymous with trying not to cum. That’s literally the only thing I’m focusing on which is also one of the reasons I don’t enjoy it.

Speaking as a hetero, 5 minutes is on the high end of normal for continuous penis insertion. However, the actual sex with my fiancée tends to take longer than that due to the foreplay, switching to mstarubtraing her until I am ready for a second round, a couple minutes of cuddling when she needs to rest, etc. No idea how this translates to gay sex.

My understanding is that typical gay sex goes until you cum and then you are done. Back when I was dating a gay guy, sex was mostly unsuccessful due to his erectile dysfunction, so my personal experience is limited.

People have already pointed out that this is very normal, but I also want to push back on the framing here.

Does it actually matter whether this is normal or not? Everyone has sex a little differently and that is OK. This is the way your partner’s body works right now.

That said, while you haven’t stated this explicitly, it sounds like maybe you are wanting the receptive part of sex to last longer. If so, there are a number of strategies that can make this possible. Going slower or changing things up, etc. It is probably a good idea to think carefully about how you make this request though. Due to the unrealistic expectations you have fallen prey to, this can be a sensitive topic for many people. I wouldn’t frame it in a way that suggests you aren’t satisfied, but rather that you think a few of these strategies would be fun to try to see if you can extend your sessions and have more pleasure.

But good sex is not a natural talent that people just have. It happens by clearly communicating and pursuing both your and your partner’s desires. That’s an important skill the practice to improve things.

10 minutes is pretty good! tbh, I’ve never known a man to last more than 5 in my mouth. Most of the fun parts of sex happen with no insertion, it’s the foreplay that goes on beforehand that I really like. I’ve also found that it can be fun to swap from insertion back to cuddling/necking, to give the top a little break and make them last a bit longer.

Doing all of the above, it’s possible for sex with me to take about 30 minutes to an hour, even though I’m in control to finish him off quickly whenever I want.

Sex must be nice

It really varies quite widely with a lot of different variables, and different people have different levels of control.

Back when I was 17 I could basically go all day. I could cum 3-4 times a day easily with just a quick 15 minute break after. I used condoms back then too- i always kind of liked condoms because the cleanup is easy and dulling the sensations help me last longer. It also helped that I was in the best shape of my life and full of hormones encouraging me to spread my DNA as far and wide as possible.

As I got older that just wasn’t as feasible. The hormones faded. My wife doesn’t like the feel of condoms so she got an IUD (I am certainly not complaining either way lol). The stress of college and work and maintaining a household builds up. I have been in-and-out of shape over time, but never as good as I was at 17. Back in college we would often find ourselves going through a long day of school, work, and trying to do chores around our apartment and going to bed at 11 PM, having to wake up at 5 or 6 AM the next day. So the longer we would have sex the less sleep we would get, so we would try to wrap it up in like 5 or 10 minutes. Eventually graduating college and getting a proper career instead of retail helped, but it’s still difficult to find more than an hour at a time to dedicate to sex.

There have also been occasions where I have been out of shape and failed to pace myself. I’d go with intensity for a few minutes, get an elevated heart rate and out of breath, and eventually be forced to lay down and suck wind without cumming. There have also been times where my wife might be a bit sore and start encouraging me to finish before I otherwise would.

By myself, there are some times where I want to just crank one out in a minute or two to get some quick stress relief or post-nut clarity. There’s other times where my wife is away traveling and I have the house to myself, so I take an hour to watch porn and have a nice time. I started messing with prostate stimulation a few years ago, and while I haven’t had a prostate orgasm yet I have gone I think 3 hours trying.

We also started swinging with another couple: a bi man and a bi non-binary vagina owner, and my wife is bi too. I’d say I’m heteroflexible (I’m not attracted to masculine traits, but I’m not gonna let that stop me from having a good time). One of the most surprising things about the orgies has been just how much orgasm variance there is.

The nonbinary person cums very easily, from both external and internal stimulus. I have gotten them to cum a couple times with neither- just me being the big spoon, them the little spoon, dry humping them with my dick rubbing against their ass. They usually cum 5-6 times per session and the other 3 of us need to go easy on them or else they’ll be tapped out in like 20 minutes.

I was worried at first that I might cum too fast. I am not sure what my refractory period is because I haven’t had the chance to test it in over a decade, but my guess would be at least a couple hours at this point. So I try not to cum until we are close to done. So far I have basically been successful, but there have been a few sessions where I didn’t cum at all. I think just from being tired. I’d be hard and functional for a few hours, then go soft and be unable to get hard again. A couple times that coincided with us going really late into the early morning hours, so I may have been sleep deprived. Or I might need to research anatomy a bit more- could be that I need to be in better cardiovascular shape, or perhaps exercise certain muscles like the kegels more.

He has only managed to cum a couple of times. According to the two of them, he has always been really hard to get to cum, but also he has almost no refractory period and he usually has the energy to keep going for hours. He also started some medication a couple months before we started swinging that has ED as a side-effect, so he’s been working to find the right pharmaceutical mix.

My wife has always had a difficult time cumming too, but can manage to with a Hitachi to the clit probably 75% of the time. She’s cum from penetration or me giving her oral maybe a dozen times in the 13 years we’ve been together, so not impossible but not common. She also has occasions with her Hitachi where she has been able to string together a videogame-style combo of 5 or 6 orgasms together but that’s also rare.

So there have been a few sessions where 3 of us don’t cum at all, but we still have fun for a few hours. With biological processes everyone is different, and every time is different. If you would like to go longer you should talk to your partner about it and make sure they know that. The hardest part is to find the right balance of communicating what you want without making them feel bad or pressuring them. But the most important thing is to have that shared expectation of how long you want things to last. He may not be able to go for a full hour, and unless you already know that you can find from prostate stimulation easily that probably won’t happen. But if he knows you are having a good time and want to go longer perhaps that 10 minutes can stretch to 30?

Maybe say “hey let’s block out a couple hours here so we can take our time”. Maybe use toys for a while and put on a good show for your BF. I find playing music can help for 2 reasons: setting the pace and measuring time. When you are topping with a penis, it’s easy to get into a sort of upward spiral of going faster and harder until you cum. Having a nice beat to match can help prevent that. Having a song change every 3-5 minutes can also be a good marking point- time for a position change, or a bathroom/water break, or maybe a hit of the vape, a bit more lube, a stretch. I recommend the instrumental version of the album “Music to Make Love to your Old Lady By”, but I also find lo-fi, chillwave, Dreamwave, and synthwave playlists. Vocals can sometimes be distracting or weird so I prefer instrumentals where possible.

And also, I’d recommend letting him know when you want him to cum. I get nervous about cumming too soon, or in the wrong place, so I appreciate my partner saying “now” and “here” so I don’t have to infer that.

I mean, I’ve never been with a woman who lasted that long either. My wife usually climaxes a few times in that span of time. That’s a respectable amount of time for the main event, but it should be padded on each side by foreplay and cuddling.

For the “main event” that’s normal.

When people talk about sex lasting for much longer, that’s probably from when they go to the bedroom till when they fall asleep, take out their phones, or are just done for a while. That time will include foreplay and other stuff, which is great!

It’s also some serious exertion, so you can include some cuddle breaks to pace yourselves and talk about what you’re enjoying, what you want to do next, and whisper sweet nothings.

Presentation and thrusting should not last for two hours. That would be painful and exhausting for both participants. It would also be an indication of some problem such as that the condom is too tight

10 mins is rather long. young guys will cum faster but be able to do multiples easier. Usually the pulsing of the penis will induce orgasims in the female which I have discussed with my wife and she as well as I seem to see as the best for orgasims. The simultaneous basically. Does not always happen but there is definitely some mechanism for it. I mean watch a porn stream and see how long before a cum shot. If a man is having trouble cuming the 10 mins of intense cardio will wear a few out before they can.

Treat sex like a meal, dessert for me is the best bit. I don’t jump right to dessert, and it’s not where I spend the majority of my time.

Teasing - starter. Start at the beginning of the day, “I’m gonna do X”, “You’re gonna feel Y”, “You’re so z”. Sets expectations, gets people in the mindset, communication about sex outside in a neutral space is important. It’s an appetiser.

Foreplay - main course. Do the things, what ever “the things” means for you. Aim to spend the majority of your “fun” here. Edge, tease touch, lick, suck, toys, all the verbs.

Final cummings - dessert. Just a nice finisher to an incredible meal.

Or not, maybe you like cum play and penetration is the foreplay. I don’t know I’m not you.

Well those 3 hour fuck fests in porn are definitely not real and are often cut to make it seem that way.

For some perspective - the average time from penetration to ejaculation is around 5 to 7 minutes, the data ranges from 30 secs to around 45 min, in extremes over an hour.

There’s a couple of factors that influence “performance time”, partner dynamic, stresslevel, fitness, emotional state and age. For example the average time goes up with age.

There’s also some things you can do to lengthen it, for example men can also greatly profit from kegel exercises, tools like rings or some meds can also help lengthen the act.

And you can also help your partner, switch positions, play around with the intensity and rhythm of the penetration. The best sex I had usually involved a lot of trust and communication, the more you get to know each other, the more fun it gets - at least to me.

I sometimes joke that sex is a little like this 90s children’s toy “bop it”: twist this, bop that, pull here, push there, Kiss this, lick that.

Build trust, communicate with each other, try out different things, don’t put too much focus or pressure on the length of the “penetration time” but on the quality of the sex you have overall.

And don’t forget to just have fun. My partner and I laugh and giggle a lot during “le sexy time” but being that comfortable with each other takes trust and time, also we’re just silly people.

Ten minutes starting when?

Start of intercourse? Start of penetration? Start of orgasm? End of orgasm?

Ten minutes from the start of intercourse is premature for sure. From start of penetration, you gotta expect that the first few times, but he’ll build up more control over time. From start of orgasm… well, everybody’s different, but without male kegels or karma sutra I understand most guys’ orgasms don’t last even two minutes. From end of orgasm? I never last ten minutes past that point, too tender.