So I know everyone is going to answer “yes”, but I want actual real thoughts. I just want to know where I fit in.
I’m AMAB, and present as male, at least on the surface. I’ve always felt that was wrong though. But I don’t necessarily think I’m a woman. I wish I was more feminine. And recently I started full body laser hair removal, and I have pretty long hair, and currently have my toe nails painted. But I also have a beard, and otherwise present totally as cis.
Am I “trans”? I don’t feel “cis”, but I feel like calling myself trans just isn’t accurate and is inappropriate. Is there any other option?
And a complicating factor is that I’m basically only attracted to female presenting people. I see a lot of mtf trans people posting online “t4t”. Would other trans people consider me “trans”?
If you consider yourself a male/guy no, you’re not trans. Why do you not feel cis? Maybe your identity lies in the non-binary spectrum.
What you’ve described is being gender non-conforming, and while that can be a sign of someone being trans, it can also mean you just like some things that aren’t typically associated with your gender, and that’s fine too.
Why do you not feel cis? Maybe your identity lies in the non-binary spectrum.
Yeah I don’t have a good answer for this. Not do I know how to get one. I’ve kind of always thought I really was a girl, just too scared to transition or admit it. But very recently I’m questioning that. I don’t necessarily think I’m a girl. But I know that being a “guy” just isn’t right either.
I guess I’m not totally even sure what “non binary” even means. Like, I’ve always felt like it was a cop out kind of identity. And maybe that is just more residence that it resonates with me and is something scary or IDK. It’s hard for me to accept what non binary actually means, and especially how it relates to identifying as trans. Assuming the non binary label fits what I am, am I “trans”?
Non binary covers a range of identities. Some feel like neither man nor woman is a good fit for them, or that they don’t really identify with the concept of gender at all. Others partially identify with one or both of the “binary” genders. It can be difficult to understand a feeling, sensation, or identity which you have no basis for understanding or if as you say there is something stopping you from properly considering it.
Like others I would recommend experimenting with your identity to see if there’s something that feels comfortable to you. Perhaps there are LGBTQ+ spaces you could safely join where you live? Or perhaps there are online spaces like this one you could hang out in? Reading and talking about identities can be very helpful. Check out the links in the sidebar as well if you haven’t already, especially the gender dysphoria bible.
Do you feel comfortable with people thinking of you as a man? Does it feel nice when people don’t gender you?
I feel like the only way you’re going to get some answers is through experimentation. Try out different pronouns, do they feel weird? If they do, why?
I knew I was trans because of my body dysphoria and because I “wanted” to be a girl, but I’d never felt like I was a girl. But I feel like that stemmed of a deep self-hatred, some transphobia and thinking I’d never be “good enough” to be a woman. After many years repressing it, I wanted to try though. And turns out it was the correct choice for me! It took me years to feel comfortable presenting feminine, but for me the discomfort of experimentation was better than “being a man”.
So yeah, some people figure it out immediately, for others like me it takes years, but the only way to know for sure is being true to yourself and trying things out without caring what other people will say.
Edit: oh, and yes, non-binary people fit within the trans label, although some of them prefer not to use it.
I struggled to feel like a woman too. Part of it was internalized transphobia, but part of it was imagining what others would expect of me when I called myself a woman. I don’t want to be ultra fem and all the other expectations, and telling myself that helped a lot. My gender expression is quite masculine, but I’m still a woman (or demigirl maybe? Eh, whatever).
I think what it boils down to is: if you could instantly become a woman, would you?
I’m in a situation similar to yours. Getting laser (the beard’s already gone though >:3), long hair, trying to present more androgynous, but otherwise male presenting at the moment… regrettably…
I consider myself trans because I’m actively trying to rectify that and if I was given the opportunity to magically switch, I would without even thinking about it.
I would say expertiment a bit and see if something clicks in you. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too. You may be gender non-confirming, which by what you described would be perfectly reasonable.
Or it could be that you’re just not ready yet. I myself had to remove a ton of mental barriers to accept this part of me, but when I did, it felt extremely liberating and obvious. But trust me, I struggled a lot getting there, thinking it couldn’t possibly be the case.
So experiment, really think about it, and see where you land. If you’re not sure yet, repeat. You’ll eventually find your sweetspot, and it’ll be fine, whichever it is.
Feel free to ask if you have questions.
YOOOOO URE ALIVE :O
srry for the unrelated reply >v< but I remember when I made my account the name “Mia” was taken so I chose “TheCoolerMia” and set my display name to just “Mia” and saw that u went inactive like a little before I made my account and idk I just wanted to tell u of that funny coincidence x3
Heya! Nice to hear from you again :3
I think you’re confusing me with @Mia. My handle is @shy_mia.
So you are telling me you are not all the same person? I thought y’all were one but different alts! No way… Can I become a Mia too?
Ohhh for some reason I didnt see ur full handle x3
All labels are imperfect, I guess. That’s the nature of labels: a shorthand for a complex reality.
I don’t know if the “trans” label is or isn’t a good shorthand for the complex reality of your identity. But the important thing is: your identity is valid and yours, regardless of what labels you stick on it.
If you feel that you are a woman, be that partially or completely, then congratulations, girl, there you go. Or maybe what you feel like switches back and forth depending on your mood, or maybe you exist somewhere in the middle. That’s valid too. There are other labels worth exploring in that space, non-binary, genderfluid… I suppose the only really useful thing here is to work out which ones resonate with you as a suitable shorthand for who you are.
Oh and who you are attracted to is irrelevant. Lots of trans gals are lesbians. Doesn’t make them any less trans.
I find it interesting that you don’t “necessarily think” that you’re a woman. There are many other options besides being a woman, as other commenters have shared. You mention having a beard and presenting as a cis man, but you don’t elaborate on how that makes you feel. Simply having your body be a certain way doesn’t dictate whether you can be a woman or be transgender. Our bodies and presentations are malleable. Do you like having a beard? It’s okay whether you do or don’t, there’s no right answer. Being transfem isn’t a sum of traits it’s a statement of our identities.
Gender and sexuality are wholly distinct from each other, as well. You can be attracted to people (or not) in any particular way and still be a certain gender.
The best advice I could give is to follow your happiness first, the label second. When I first started experimenting i felt like men’s clothing was a chain so I tried more women’s, read gender trouble decided that agender made the most sense for me and wore whatever I wanted. It wasn’t until a few months of that did a stranger greet me as “Ma’am” and it sorts stopped my heart.
Once I realized being seen as a woman made me happy, why stop? Why EVER stop? Labels don’t define who we are, but they are helpful little handholds to communicate with others. So instead of telling people that I am non-binary agender who enjoys traditional femininity, I say “woman” because that’s just easier for everyone. That doesn’t mean it’s the only way you could describe me, but it’s the one that makes life easier.
Am I “trans”? I don’t feel “cis”, but I feel like calling myself trans just isn’t accurate and is inappropriate. Is there any other option?
Would other trans people consider me “trans”?
If this helps, I assure you that no trans person will ever accuse you of “stolen valor” for questioning and figuring yourself out. This is a super duper common experince we all have at some point, and if all you can say for sure is that you don’t feel cis that’s more than enough! Labels exists only so others can understand you better, figure yourself out first! If all you know is queer and questioning well that’s more than enough! There is no wrong answers and only you can decide on what’s the right one.
I know this is hard, but I’m proud of anyone who interrogates themselves to see what’s truly inside. I’m proud of you for making this post! But try not to worry about what others may feel, focus more on how their perception makes YOU feel. Gender is a performance, but you yourself are the audience.
Why do you feel like calling yourself trans isn’t accurate, or is inappropriate?
What about being attracted to women complicates whether you are trans?
Before I started hormones I felt pretty much the same way you do, I wanted to be more feminine but didn’t feel comfortable considering myself a woman and the label trans felt alien. Rarely are people able to look inside and see “oh, I’m a woman”. Give yourself time to think things through and the grace to be uncertain sometimes. My conception of being a woman certainly changed a lot once I started to transition. You may find reading Julia Serrano’s Whipping Girl helpful, it was certainly important for me.
This series of videos made a big difference for me as well. They were the videos that made me confront the fact that I was probably trans and I should start transitioning. Maybe you will find it helpful, too?
I know trans people who have used the book You and Your Gender Identity (note: that link is a PDF). It is a workbook of sorts that guides you through questions about gender.
I also really found Mia Violet’s Yes, You Are Trans Enough affirming. Not every trans person has the same experience or background, but Mia Violet and I shared a lot of similarities, and that helped me when I was struggling with severe imposter syndrome early on.
I used to have some similar introspective thoughts.
Your conclusions will certainly differ from mine, but maybe you’ll identify with some of my thoughts. You definitely lean further away from “male” than I do, but here’s what I landed on:
I’m male, I’ve never been uncomfortable with that (not saying YOU shouldn’t be if you are). Rather, my hurdles took the form of other people reacting adversely when I do or say something “girly”.
My mom loves to recount the fact that I wanted to wear skirts as a kid, and I was bullied for being too “gay” in middle school.
At some point though I just kinda stopped caring about people reacting that way. I’m me, I’m a guy, and maybe that comes with an asterisk. Who cares?
I never felt that “boy” was incorrect. Rather, I just always knew that it didn’t have to mean whatever it meant to everyone else. Being told that my being male is incompatible with certain aspects of me always confused me. Because I’m making it work, aren’t I?
If someone has to ask (with me they really don’t, my appearance is not at all ambiguous), I tell them I’m a straight guy. It’s accurate in most of the ways that matter to me, and to anyone who might be asking.
But that in no way locks me into adhering to the expectations of what other people think that means.
I’m AMAB, and present as male, at least on the surface. I’ve always felt that was wrong though
Then you’re trans enough. It’s literally that simple.
Are you binary? Are you a woman? What is your sexuality? What is the right label to use for your experiences? Only you can answer that, and it will take time. And the answers will likely change over time as you explore what you want and unpack a lot of the baggage that comes with growing up in a transphobic world.
But it doesn’t matter what the answers to any of those things are. It doesn’t matter who you’re attracted to. If cis isn’t comfortable for you, then you’re as trans as it gets :)
Who cares about the label, truly? Just explore and enjoy it and don’t waste real estate on people who kick down. Even god lost count of those.
I’d say run with the feeling and see where it leads you.
It is probably too early to tell yet and it sounds like you need to explore more.
Perhaps you will end up transitioning more and more, perhaps you will discover you are gender nonconforming.
Either way I wish you luck in your journey, wherever it may lead.
If you feel like youre a guy, then you’re not trans, you’re probably more like a femboy or something in that range of the spectrum
If you feel like you’re a woman (which seems to not be the case, but its here for completeness) then you are trans, and you’re trans enough!
If you don’t feel like you’re a man, and you like to present yourself and exist somewhere between the two sides of the spectrum, there’s a gigantic umbrella of non-binary gender identities that you may fall under. If this is the case, then whether you’re trans or not is totally up to you. You’re not technically the gender you were assigned at birth, so the trans label is valid for you, but at the same time it’s not a label you have to accept and if you don’t feel comfortable being labelled trans, you don’t have to be. In this scenario, whether the “t4t” thing would include you is entirely up to what your experience of gender is like. The majority of people looking for “t4t” are doing so because the shared experience of being trans provides a safe space, or a safe starting point of understanding and stuff like that.
The conversation you’re having here, and no doubt your internal monologue, is a very common part of the trans experience. When I was in a similar space to you, i considered myself nonbinary and left it at that, no deeper consideration of labels within the umbrella term. I adopted they/them pronouns and expressed myself however felt comfortable on the day. I asked similar questions to my trans friends about transness and felt like i was almost an impostor trans. Our pathways may diverge at this point, because i ended up figuring out that i am actually a transgender woman. All this to say, you’re indulging in the trans experience even if you don’t necessarily adopt the label. If you feel like you can provide a safe space for a girl who might have some stubble from time to time, or maybe male pattern baldness, or perhaps a cock, then t4t might be totally applicable for you!
As for attraction, loads of trans girls are lesbian or bi or pan or straight or ace or whatever else. Makes no difference to your transness. Finding a term that describes your sexuality can be more complicated if you’re nonbinary or gender nonconforming, because you’re sure as hell not straight (What does that even mean), but the words exist if you do find yourself feeling like you’re in that part of the spectrum.
Good luck, have fun exploring your gender, and remember that trans girls need head pats 4-5 times a day as part of proper care.
Is the concern how you’re perceived socially or how you perceive yourself?
What would it take for you to be “trans enough”? Shaving? Clothes? Hormones? Surgery? Gene therapy?
Would you be this gatekeep-y to a random stranger? If not, why gatekeep yourself?
Is it fear of rejection? Of not being accepted for presenting as your authentic self?
Does the label not communicate what you want to express, or does the label have connotations that don’t align with your sense of self? Are those connotations commonly held, or are they negative stereotypes that you’re unconsciously distancing yourself from?
Do you need a positive label to communicate who you are, or does a negative label suffice (IE. “trans” vs. “not cis”)? Are labels a useful tool for you to describe yourself to others, or do you feel the need to conform to the label?
Hey OP I’m in a somewhat similar boat so maybe I can chime in to help.
I’ve pondered many many times if I’m trans/would like to present as a woman. Every time I come out of those introspection sessions feeling like I wouldn’t mind being a woman at all (physically or not), but I also don’t feel a strong desire to be one either, nor do I have feelings of dysphoria with regards to my current body (or euphoria at the idea of changing it to be like a woman’s for that matter).
But like you I also think I wish I was more female presenting and I like “traditionally female” things, so to speak (as a silly anectodte, just this past summer I painted my whole room pink and started collecting plushies, even though I still have a thick ass beard).
I think in the end, if I were to label myself, this lands me somewhere in the non-binary spectrum, because I don’t have a strong attachment to the notion of maleness and have never seen myself “fully” as a man, but I also don’t think I could go around calling myself a woman either.
And after several years of this mental back and forth I frankly just now forgo the idea of labeling myself (which I guess could be a label like agender but I’ve never given it much thought). It’s tiring and nothing ever feels like it fits entirely. I feel happier doing what I like and presenting how I like, and that’s enough.
Of course this isn’t to say you’re the same as me, but I hope this helps broaden your horizons if you don’t feel like you’re trans but not exactly cis either.
Demi gender labels may be of interest to you. Being transfem doesn’t necessitate being feminine or un-masculine in any way. You can be yourself authentically, be whoever you want to be. And being a non-binary or demi or fluid person does NOT mean you deserve any less respect from others. I know it’s the tendency to say things like “I use he/him or she/her because it’s easiest for others” and the same with terms like sir/ma’am, boy/girl, man/woman, etc. But you by no means have to. You can ask to be referred to however you want. It is on other people to respect your identity and your choice in how you are gendered. If they won’t respect that it has nothing to do with your identity being invalid and everything to do with them being disrespectful assholes. All forms of gender identity are valid.
Demi gender is certainly a way I could approach my situation. For the most part, at least online (lord knows no one around me irl could even wrap their head around it) I just use any/all pronouns and feel satisfied with that. I guess I’m jus mostly apathetic towards it.
I’m fairly similar to this myself. I don’t really care too much about my gender identity; it feels like if I woke up tomorrow in a female-presenting body, I’d be totally fine with being a woman. At the same time, I don’t mind being a man, and don’t have any strong desire to change anything.
At the end of the day, I don’t strongly identify with being either male or female, so I’ve just called myself gender apathetic. I stick with he/him pronouns because it’s easiest, but I’d be fine with any other pronouns as well. I’m me, and that’s the most important thing.
Any/All pronouns are powerful. I hope people in your life are respectful of that. You may want to have a look at agender labels and the communities associated with them. My partner is largely gender apathetic but dysphoric about being gendered femininely. They identify quite strongly with the term “agender” and I’ve learned a lot about that community through them.
Completely understand this. Have been here myself.
I personally struggled identifying with the trans label until I was on HRT for 3 months and realized that I couldn’t go back to how my brain worked without estrogen. And I fully support that medical transition is not necessary to be trans. So I know it’s not easy.
Trans doesn’t have to mean the “opposite” side of the binary.
I would suggest looking into resources breaking down the binary gender model, seeing if any experiences of folks in the myriad of non-binary identities resonates with you, and even considering if a label is all that important to you. To me, I don’t think should matter so much, and just use the term agender as the closest approximation.
There will be people that will try to gatekeep transness, but what matters is you’ve gone through the work of what you feel is your role in society vs what is the norm. You do that, and you will find plenty will accept it. Try things out, and if you learn that you’re cis, I think the experience of questioning gender will still make a huge positive change.
Oh, I actually might have something useful to say about all of this c:
I’m actually in a quite similar position as (I think) you are. I’m just gonna say the magic word right out of the gate: Agender ✨
I don’t really know what it means to “be a certain gender” but presenting more femme makes me happier. I generally think that gender differentiations shouldn’t be a thing because it makes absolutely no sense for me.
I don’t fit into any gender stereotype and neither do I wanr to but when it comes down to it, being male makes me too disphoric for me to not take HRT