I’m on matrix if you wanna chat

For me it didn’t get better, until it did. Patience is key.

The next generation has some poker scenes. There’s one episode where they are stuck in a simulation of a casino and can’t escape.

That I’m a gay n word. Like, I am neither so what’s up with that? He quickly biked off and I couldn’t get him to clarify.

Recognizing how my desires are never truly satisfied, and they cause me suffering. How they constantly shift and always want more. In other words I let go of my judgment and accept what I see. That doesn’t mean I don’t judge it at all or don’t change it. It just means I’m not attached to the desire to change things. It’s just a feeling, and I can act on it, but it’s a conscious decision rather than a habit.

Feels a bit like that one time a meat eater accused me of drinking soy milk, because apparently that’s causing deforestation. She seemed to forget that livestock eat a great amount of soy.

They always have their cherry picked excuses.

It’s two weeks or so for me. Currently going through that again. Actually in Juli it was all gone, and it was such a great relief. Then it came back with a vengeance. So I started boymoding and not using makeup. Big mistake. It’s better to just accept it and continue being yourself. What a nightmare!

I’ve been intensively studying A1 French in my current camp east of Antwerp, as I’ll be entering Wallonia next week and then France soon after that. I wonder what French people sound like when they have a stuffed nose.

I remember tencent being on stage at a game dev conference and talking like they’d offer anyone a boatload of cash, around 2009. The room went eerily silent, it was creepy!

Also, I’ve had guests from all over the world and I’ve always asked them for a positive and a negative thing about the place they’re from, so I can get an idea. It was only the Chinese and Russians who acted like their home countries were absolutely perfect, and they literally couldn’t name one thing. Talking politics was considered rude, and they felt it’s better if someone else is in control.

Scots pine

Sounds like the way to go

Then you’ll also be surprised to learn that I am insulted constantly and laughed at. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of great people, but it is naive to think the Netherlands is a tolerant place. When you go through the medical system you face the same attitudes.

The issue is, if you believe in the system, you’ll give it a chance to traumatize you. This is added on top of other traumas such as losing your family, becoming homeless and so on. The trans thing itself isn’t actually the biggest part of it, it’s the culture and the society.

Sure, you could get lucky and have the right gp and meet the right psychiatrist, and then you have to wait 5 years before you get any medical support. I’ve tried. I mean I’ve literally been at a gp that I knew was trans friendly and I told her I was at risk of suicide, and she was OK with that.

And about the medicine, well you can compound it yourself. I honestly can’t live without it, because it is night and day for my mental wellbeing. Without it, it is extremely difficult to live. It’s like you’re in a state of dissociation and it’s painful. It’s quite a complex thing to describe, but you are effectively disabled and are at risk of suicide.

Hmm, considering your religious upbringing you might want to try some absurdist literature to break the mold.

• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
• The Cyberiad
• Discworld
• The Little Prince

These are accessible too, as you’re not used to reading yet.

I can also recommend subscribing to a monthly magazine and making a point to read it from cover to cover. That way your skills will improve. You can also buy a whole stack of old national geographics cheaply. This will expand your horizons.

I’m sorry to hear that. I’m just grabbing this out of thin air, but have you ever considered medical tourism?

That scares me greatly but I can’t just stop taking my medicine, so what can I do but accept the risk?

I’m trans. Giving up on the system has been good for me. It was like a one sided relationship. Now when I need something I just solve it on my own and it works.

NL

I’m in Europe and can’t get my meds either

Fortran was supposed to replace computers (people). Then the computers became Fortran coders.

If you can manage to get some space somewhere or get people to contribute space, you could have artists in residence. Often artists want to get away and just have a chill place to focus for while, like a week. They can show what they made in a small personal exposition.