I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that “gay” men (men who didn’t conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the “conform or fucking die” model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can’t meet anyone because I’m frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can’t function this way. I’m not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can’t be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I’m too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we’re talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it’s not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I’m wierder than most, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt.
First, the fact you are reaching out, even like this, is a good start. Don’t let the urge die if you can keep it up.
As for next steps, find your people. Is there someone out there who you see ‘speaking truth?’ Do they have a community? Find it. (People on here can help to a certain extent if you are willing to share, which I know can be a bit scary online)
What about your other interests? Do you game? There are communities for that. (Famously there are a lot of femboy gamer communities. They aren’t going to hate you for being gender-non-conforming.) There are streamer/youtuber communities. (Check out Phedran, a cool gal with a chill comm. No hate for gender-non-conformers there.) Do you like a particular fandom? Same. Drum circles, writing/reading groups, secular action groups, (you like caring for people? Try volunteering. There’s a ‘Food Not Bombs’ chapter in all the urban centers of Ohio. Even if you only go once a weekbecause of the long drive, you might find your people.) philosophy study groups (special mention: Quarantine Collective, very inclusive but not in a ‘repeat the party slogans’ way) and who knows what else. Do something you love and do it with people.
Is there a local queer community where you are? (coffee shop, bar, whatever) Even if you aren’t gay, you don’t have to take on any particular identity to socialize. The community is usually very welcoming of those who aren’t locked into the old fashioned gender norms, and at the least, aren’t likely to hate you for that kind of BS reason.You have options. Keep the momentum going and grab one.
I want to start by acknowledging where you’re located. It’s getting worse for gender nonconforming people for certain, however the Columbus area is one of the best parts of any red state to be gender nonconforming. You aren’t the only feminine straight guy around.
I’m a trans woman who came out while living in suburban ohio years ago. I’ve lived in multiple parts of the state and I’ve worked in places you probably shouldn’t go with a face that probably shouldn’t’ve been there. You’re an adult now and what that means is that you aren’t nearly as powerless to stop abuse as you once were. Carry pepper spray or something similar, and if people give you shit leave, but the worst that should happen is dirty looks. But I’ll say you may also find yourself getting more flattering looks if you take care of your appearance.
Also get tough. I hate to have to say it but it’s true. Thick skin is very valuable
Move to a liberal area. Bay area, Portland or Seattle areas. No one cares if you’re fem or masc in west coast cities. Live a happy life.
You’re strong for not masking your whole life. Things will get better (especially once Trump keels over) and you’ll find “your” people. A group of friends who love you for you. Your chosen family. I’m not a feminine male, but we all have our things, and I found my people.
I’m worried for my nephew who is in a similar boat to you at the age of 6. Growing up a sensitive, sweet boy in a bigoted community. I have to have faith that he’s gonna be okay… or he can come live with my family.
My (f42) partner (25) of almost 2 yrs is a feminine man, and I love him because of it, not in spite of it.
I grew up in a “they deserve to DIE” toxic conservative household too tho, so I understand how it makes you think the whole world is like that. I can only recommend exposure therapy to help drive home that the average person is by and large loving and accepting and would rather you be your authentic self than have you jump thru imaginary hoops leftover from your childhood.
I still refuse to wear dresses and skirts bc of the gender role trauma I experienced tho, so hopefully you can do a better job than me by the time you’re my age of shrugging all that off and being exactly the kind of human you want to be, regardless of how you were raised to do or be or not do or be certain things.
I’m glad to have met you on here, see you around!
It does sound like the US…
Well, if there’s one thing that should drive you, it should be getting some form of education or vocational training and forging your own path forward, ideally someplace chill. There’s many places on the west coast where being effeminate is totally normal, and people are totally fine with that. I like it when people get to really be themselves, and I LOVE men who wear cute things. We need more cute apparel!
I also think therapy would genuinely help you. If you put in your location, hit “all filters” and you can choose what type of therapy you want, and there’s also a separate section for Bisexual/Lesbian/LGBTQ+ (even if you are straight, filtering by these might get you a really thoughtful counselor.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/oh/columbus
Just to make this post too long, I was in a similar boat coming out years ago. Not quite the same, I think girly stuff is cute, but I also don’t go out of my way to wear it. Anyways, I was really stuck in a rut over sexuality, conflicts with religion, and my confusion with cute women, but also cute men. My life really turned around when I started talking to close friends about what I was going through.
I went deep, no holds barred, we talked hard about everything and life. At the same time, I called my doctor’s office and got a referral for a therapist, who was excellent. That man really helped turn my life around, and recommended the site I linked above. Honestly, his help was all I needed. I’ve met someone I truly love, and everything all worked out in the end.
The hardest part for me was calling that clinic and telling them that I needed help, and why I needed help. It was hard, but life slowly got easier after that.
Kpop Demon Hunters Spoiler Alert
Rumi, Mira, and Zoey are demon hunter popstars.
But Rumi is half demon and living with it with only Celine, the person that raised her, knowing.
A bunch of stuff happens
then it gets revealed to the world Rumi is half demon
Rumi goes to Celine saying how now everyone knows
celine says to cover up, say it was all an illusion, make things right again
Rumi: no. no more lies. this is what i am
rumi: why cant you look at me? why couldnt you love me?
celine: i do
rumi: all of me
rumi leaves and that’s the last celine is seen.
rumi goes to the final demon concert where teh demon king is about to eat everyones souls
demon king: you expect to fix the world? you cant even fix yourself.
rumi: i cant
demon king: and now everyone finally sees you for what you are
rumi: they do
and then rumi’s demon patterns start becoming beautiful and she starts singing
some lyrics from rumis song: i broke in to a million pieces and i cant go back. but now im seeing all the beauty in the broken glass.
some lyrics from rumi’s song: my voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
mira and zoey return to her and a verse is: but none of us is out here alone.
imo that’s what you need. you need a mira and zoey and to not be out there alone. you need people that really love you. all of you
and then the movie results in tons of crying and gets very blissful
and the key to maximizing her potential and truly being herself turns out to not have been to hide who she was, but to truly be herself.
I know you said you can’t leave because of family and stuff, but you do need to be somewhere that will get you away from the abuse you are getting. Get an apartment in your town, that’s a good start. And travel to the closest city to you. Central Ohio? I was in Columbus recently and was really digging it out there. Take a day trip or two every so often. Get out of that atmosphere.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else.
True until you’re visibly disabled. People can’t handle being reminded life isn’t fair, and they take it out on you.
Being closer to the city will definitely help
Find people who value your expression. People like you. People who love people like you.
As someone who moved away from an unaccepting home to a new in strange place when I was young for very similar reasons, as you, cannot recommend the experience enough. If the source of your misery is those around you making you feel terrible about who you are, then I suggest you go find someplace else that isn’t full of people like that.
Well, you may be paralyzed and fear of the idea of taking the risk of living a new in different life, consider the fact that the one you have isn’t so great. And you would be very surprised at how accepting strangers can be.
And I’m sure all those conservative men lie their asses off because unless they do, the only pussy they will get is a fleshlight.
Sorry you are having hard times… makes me think of being young and having a hard time figuring it all out myself. I am a generally normal man but when I was young I didn’t know what I felt. IDK if you are in the same boat I was
I didn’t know if I was gay until the day I kissed a boy. We were about the same age as you and it was one of those “well that question is answered, not gay”. I am always thankful for that memory.
In my world, there are plenty of people like you in daily life. So much so that it doesn’t even register most of the time. Washington State is a world away from Ohio it seems.
I always truly felt that Dan Savages message “it gets better” is a truism. I knew a lot of people that left their world and came to Seattle because it was where it got better for them.
if you arn’t gay then it doesn’t matter either. There are so many women that I personally know that would prefer a feminine guy over a jock beefcake meathead
I hope you know, it does get better. But it might mean you need to leave that old life behind to start a new one in an environment that will welcome you.
I remember feeling grossed out or disgusted by fat people and one time someone said something wondering what gay people do in private. I distinctly remember thinking, WTF dude like I don’t like fat people but I am not thinking about their sex lives. They arn’t destroying society and if they are happy then who cares? My opinion is meaningless to this.
bigotry is bigotry and that helped me find my line internally.
anyways, you are always welcome to sit by me and I would welcome a conversation with you
but it would have to happen outside of Ohio because I am probably not going there :P
one of my favorite quotes from the director David Lynch “fix your hearts or die”. I think the ugly masculinity that you have had to face should have to face their hearts
The rural parts, and most of eastern Washington are very Ohio. The difference in bigotry and political leaning is urban vs rural.
I think its misguided to tell someone they have to move to another state. That’s a really big commitment. You can find accepting places much closer by moving to a nearby big city. That is far more achievable than moving to another state.
They fly pride flags in downtown Boise. The color of the state only changes the state level laws, not the local culture.
You’re totally fine how you are, the stigma you feel is 100% from your dumb ass family.
Effeminate men like us are inevitable.
