My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.
When you choose to forgive someone you’re not necessarily forgiving their mistake. It’s not condoning, it’s giving someone another chance to do better. Forgiving and protecting against risks isn’t mutually exclusive, it just takes more effort to do both.
When someone gives an ultimatum of “me or them” (a or b), the best choice is almost always never a. It is the least restrictive choice.
If there were an actual reason to not choose b, the best choice is likely neither.
I understand the argument that “she is struggling” but the moment they make their struggle your struggle they are choosing to spread the pain rather than deal with it. This is never acceptable in a parent child relationship, more so if the child is a minor.
Tell your mom you and her need to go to a therapist. Maybe a therapist can help to figure out how to move forward. Then tell your dad the same thing.
Maybe some of what was going on behind the scene will come out.
No one on lemmy will be able to give you a good idea of what to do or how to move forward.
I mean, look at what everybody is saying. Really read it. They’re all basically saying, make a decision without all the knowledge. There might one or two are saying something else, but I may have missed them.
Some are saying go live with your mom well that’s making a decision. That’s picking a side. Some are saying stay with your dad. It is in between you andyour dad it’s between your dad and your mom. But again that’s making a decision without all the knowledge.
Social media will give you a reactionary view in general. A therapist will sit you down and ask questions of not only you but also your mom and your dad. Then you have a better of what is going on. You may not have all the picture but at least you have an idea.
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Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.
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Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.
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Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.
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You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)
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Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.
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Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.
Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
He betrayed family to get laid
Point number 2. Read it again.
As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
I remember when I thought everything could be simplified to black and white
I’m not condoning cheating, but I also know that the reality of situations isn’t as simple as “do this, and don’t do that”
My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant… Mom moved out, the other woman moved in
Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent
Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason
Cool
I’ll be here when you grow up a bit
Nah. I’ll keep my family values
You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”
If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.
You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.
So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.
I suspect they have either been on the receiving end of infidelity, or (given that they’re from Kansas), they have small-minded views shaped by religion and conservatism
Either way, they’re not going to be swayed by reason when reason isn’t how they came by their stance in the first place
I’m glad they are the only such voice though so far. It gives me hope that this kid will get some decent advice overall
Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.
And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT
I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?
Are you a whale, Ross?
There are no ‘sides’.
Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.
Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is
My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home
Between an immoral piece of sh and a person who was dedicated and believed they weren’t yes there are sides.
Father isn’t just committing an act of betrayal, which he does to the person he loves, so op will definitely also be fair game for betrayal, father is also abusing his seat of power over his very young employee which is called coertion or quid pro quo and is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact OP could look into the eyes of a man who would betray him without a second thought is just cope.
Eventually it will sink in how horrific this was and op I am sure being moral themselves hopefully will take moms side.
Normal to go through a period of shock or denial before it sinks in.
I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
Such a difficult choice.
Have you considered the fact that one is a woman? Clearly it is all our fault.
Oh wait? This isn’t about 2 gay men so its equal?
Ahhh. Yeah. Its all her fault. I understand OPs dilemma now
This is a wise response.
I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:
- Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
- Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.
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You staying with your dad, at least in your mom’s eyes, is you choosing the new chick over her also.
And if thats what you want to do, so be it. But you’re actively choosing another woman over your mother.
Think of it like this: Someone was caught doing x. X being any deplorable act you wanna fit in there. Let’s say being racist to the point of violence.
Said member of that race who you’ve hung out with comes to you, tells you what happened, and asks you not continue hanging with said person or else they’re going to deem you racist too.
Although you don’t have any racist views, and although that person has never been racist to you since your not that “undesirable” race, you continuing the relationship puts you in the racist category.
You could stop the relationship although it hurts. And in doing so you may even help the person learn the errors of thier ways, or atleast the consequences of their actions.
Or you can say nothing and allow the racist tyrad to continue.
You can turn this around as well. Their mom asking them to stop having contact with their father is her choosing to take away their father from them. If that’s what she wants to do…
Children should not be pulled into the relationship problems of their parents. The parents are the ones who chose to have a child together, they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of that.
And the dad is the one who bought those relationship problems to move in with his son.
The dad has 100% already pulled his son into this before the mother ever said anything.
I’m just trying to give the mothers perspective. I know nothing else about these people besides one is willing to throw away the love and trust of someone they’re supposed to be closest with for their own selfish gain.
What caused that to happen I can’t speak for.
The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.
Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.
It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.
Yeah i can see wanting to do it of your own volition, my brother went the same way, but having one parent ask that of you is something else.
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My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.
I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.
I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.
I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn’t a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.
IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it’s due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.
There’s a lot of assumptions and excuses for cheating in this thread. Mum shouldn’t be getting involved in whether you see your dad. Dad shouldn’t have cheated on mum.
He lied, snuck around, and betrayed his wife. You think he won’t do the same to you? Interesting…
The end result is, based on what I can see what OP posted, his mom may not be that great but he’s just like his dad and doesn’t seem to care much about her. He will probably cheat on his partner too based on his attitude.
Your mom shouldn’t use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.
No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you’re their kid. She’s your mother, he’s your father and nothing is going to change that.
I am not a therapist. I’m guessing most people on Lemmy are not. Take anyone’s advice with a grain of salt… including this.
People make mistakes. It’s human nature for men to seek younger women because they are supposed to be more fertile. It’s human nature for women to seek older men because they are supposed to be more mature and protective.
However, that’s just thousands of years of basic instincts. We’re more educated now. We are supposed to behave like advanced creatures, go beyond our primal thinking.
That said, if you have a good relationship with your dad, don’t break ties simply because of his infidelity. Learn from his mistakes. Maybe help him understand what he did wrong. Your mom is angry because he broke a promise, a vow. She wants you on her side because she is angry with him and wants to punish him for it.
I don’t know your mom or dad or their relationship. Maybe she was a perfect saint or maybe she was cold and manipulative. Either way, he shouldn’t have chosen someone else before their relationship ended. It’s just not right to hide something like that.
Typically, a man choosing a younger woman over their wife tends not to think with their brain, but with their lust. He could very well do it again in five ten years with someone younger.
Your mom shouldn’t force you to choose, but you should definitely have some empathy for her on how their bond was broken. She is in pain. She trusted him and he failed her.
Hopefully, you will find some sort of compromise and balance. It may take time for her to understand. A long, honest talk might help the two of you get to that point.
Best of luck.
No you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn’t be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn’t your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you’re supposed to love.
Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don’t know how old you are, but given that you’re asking the question here & the way you’re asking leads me to believe you’d be much better off talking to a professional about it.
Eh, you should support your family. The dad fell in love with someone else and now OPs parents are splitsville. It’s not fair to ask that OP cuts dad off but OP should try living 7/7 days with their parents if at all practically possible. OPs mom is going through so much grief right now - ignoring that is cruel.
I can see where your mom is coming from. She got cheated on and to her it looks like you still support him despite the awful things he did.
If he was Wifebeater and beat her instead, would you still support or “be friends” with your dad? probably not right? So why does Physical abuse cross the line but not emotional abuse?
Bad take
