My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.
Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.
Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.
Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.
You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)
Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.
Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.
Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
Such a difficult choice.
Have you considered the fact that one is a woman? Clearly it is all our fault.
Oh wait? This isn’t about 2 gay men so its equal?
Ahhh. Yeah. Its all her fault. I understand OPs dilemma now
There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
He betrayed family to get laid
Point number 2. Read it again.
As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
I remember when I thought everything could be simplified to black and white
I’m not condoning cheating, but I also know that the reality of situations isn’t as simple as “do this, and don’t do that”
Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent
Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason
Cool
I’ll be here when you grow up a bit
Nah. I’ll keep my family values
You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”
If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.
You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.
So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.
Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.
And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT
No one is excusing an affair. People are merely trying to help OOP navigate an emotionally complex situation: wanting to keep contact with their father despite the circumstances, and wondering if their mother’s actions are justifiable or not.
You can do whatever you want, but that does not absolve you of consequences.
I only gave you genuine advice, taking breaks/disengaging is helpful. I cannot force you, ofcourse, there’s only so much I can do.
So please consider above, and have a nice day
I suspect they have either been on the receiving end of infidelity, or (given that they’re from Kansas), they have small-minded views shaped by religion and conservatism
Either way, they’re not going to be swayed by reason when reason isn’t how they came by their stance in the first place
I’m glad they are the only such voice though so far. It gives me hope that this kid will get some decent advice overall
Not from Kansas. Well traveled and have seen a bunch of relationships. I’ve seen people get divorced and I’ve seen infidelity.
I have immeasurably more respect for those that get divorced no matter how hard it is. Breaking the vow through being a cheater is about as low as you can go.
Sorry you don’t hold marriage to sanctity it should be
I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?
Are you a whale, Ross?
Yes. Now your turn, my morally incorruptible dude.
There are no ‘sides’.
Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.
Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is
My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home
Between an immoral piece of sh and a person who was dedicated and believed they weren’t yes there are sides.
Father isn’t just committing an act of betrayal, which he does to the person he loves, so op will definitely also be fair game for betrayal, father is also abusing his seat of power over his very young employee which is called coertion or quid pro quo and is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact OP could look into the eyes of a man who would betray him without a second thought is just cope.
Eventually it will sink in how horrific this was and op I am sure being moral themselves hopefully will take moms side.
Normal to go through a period of shock or denial before it sinks in.
This is a wise response.
I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:
That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.