I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
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A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.
This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.
Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.
A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.
I feel like it’s weird to say “the left isn’t doing enough for men” when the left is full of men who are struggling with the same thing. They grew up in the same society, filled with the same outdated “suck it up” mentality.
So I appreciate you calling out the issue of younger men not being in a place to listen to women, and the issue of men in general not being in a place to emotionally support their fellow men. It’s not a left vs right thing, it’s that most men are simply ill-equipped to handle emotional labor due to these outdated cultural norms, and yet those same men are naturally the primary providers of support for other similarly ill-equipped men.
Just because the alt right is pretending to care about the needs of men doesn’t mean the left is worse at this. The alt right isn’t standing up for men, they’re using vulnerable men as a means to an end, and replacing “suck it up” with “blame women and leftists”. They’re not telling you how to truly process your emotions with patience and care, they’re just shifting the blame.
There’s plenty of men on the left that serve as excellent role models, they just don’t spend their time constantly talking about their gender, because a large part of evolving past these outdated cultural norms about gender is actually moving past these cultural norms about gender.
This means viewing people and their problems as human first before viewing them as <insert gender>. The majority of people who constantly fill the airwaves about “what it’s like to be a man” are actually just men who are still desperately clinging to those same self-destructive norms. They perpetuate this divide between genders, and leave their fellow men feeling alone and misunderstood and vulnerable to manipulation.
It definitely is not a left vs right thing. The context of my comment was simply “a response to the alt-right pipeline.” That’s the most that political alignment matters in this situation.
Is the advice in my comment wrong? I’m a woman who’s been watching the alt-right chew up and spit out boys for a while. My power to do anything about it is limited, because (if online) as soon as such a young man learns that I’m female, they have a ready-made reason to ignore everything I say. If in-person, they would dismiss me before I even speak. I do a lot of activism and speaking to build community and support local causes, but this is one arena that I can’t even enter. The nature of this issue invalidates me from the get-go.
What else can I do except encourage men to step up and do the activism that I wish I could do?
Not at all, I meant it when I said I appreciated your comment! I was just adding my own thoughts to the conversation.
It’s really hard for most people - man or woman - to make any headway in this arena precisely becase of the points you made. These poor men are very effectively primed to only respond well to traditionally masculine role models and talking points, and yet it is that very same traditional masculinity that is holding them back.
I just wanted to clarify in the context of the OP why they might feel like “the left isn’t doing enough,” and why that is actually just a part of the alt-right pipeline working as designed.
I fell into alt right when she started abusing me which helped destroy the relationship. I got out of that shit.
I’m glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you’ve sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you’re free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
Lol in real life people dont care about politics that much
I fell into alt right
That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.
I don’t know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.
I got out of that shit.
Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I’m sorry you went down that rabbit hole.
I place a lot of blame on myself for how things turned out but I’m pretty sure the reality is that I am not that person at all and would have never made said mistakes if she wasn’t so mean to me.
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Unfortunately, your ex may just be better at playing the victim. And if you’re US based, our legal system leans heavily in support of the ex-wife. Especially in the south east.
I know it’s a cliche bit of advice at this point but you should seek therapy. I know that isn’t the same as support from family and friends but based on how you seem to feel triage is what you need to aim for.
There are support groups for divorced men. I highly recommend selling them out. And if you just need to vent you can DM me. I can’t promise to be constant, but I don’t mind chatting when I can.
I have a very good therapist right now, the best I’ve ever had, and he’s helped me a fuck ton.
But I’m afraid I don’t have a mental health issue and the thoughts of suicide come from a place of logic.
Hey, I recognize you from some of the memes you’ve posted and I appreciate them.
Can relate to most of what you have said in this thread and yeah… Understandable.
Still, there is more to life than other people. What about you, what you like what you and care about? Maybe now’s a good time to be selfish and enjoy things just for you.
I will post more memes because of your compliment :)
That’s what I have been working on in therapy. I think I never fully focused on myself in my relationship and that’s why I’m so devastated. She was my only emotional support system
Abusive relationships tend to be like that. Now you’re free and can make up for lost time. There’s too much good music/movies/food/video games/nature to enjoy to let it go to waste. DM if you ever need someone to chat about it with.
Thanks.
My therapist used to say feelings are not facts. And that has always stuck with me. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I’ve been where you are now. It was a rough year, and there were rough times long after the divorce was finalized. It took me a while, but I picked myself up, found new friends, and got back out there. The best thing you can do for yourself is do things you love to do, and try to meet new people. Staying in your house and ruminating on all the ways your life sucks is probably the worst thing you can do for yourself. Keep your head up, there are people out there that do care about you, and probably many more who will once they get to know you. You just need to find them. <3
But I’m afraid I don’t have a mental health issue and the thoughts of suicide come from a place of logic.
I am sorry to say that there is no logic behind suicide.
Logically speaking - that is, without emotions - death is not inherently better than life. There is no logical value added by death. You don’t need to choose to live, it just happens on its own. Trust me, it’s surprisingly hard to just wither away. The body doesn’t want to stop.
You would need to choose to die. If it is not inherently better to die than to live, then it is illogical to choose to do something that you do not have any reason to do.
It is only emotion that changes the equation. Emotionally speaking, it sounds like you currently feel that death would be better than life.
But it does not sound like you wanted to die before this year. At least, not nearly like this. If you did not feel this way before, than there is no logical reason to think you will always feel this way later.
It is therefore only temporary, it is only emotional, and it is exclusively a mental health issue that can be resolved with time and effort.
I don’t have a mental health issue and the thoughts of suicide come from a place of logic.
It may seem that way, but speaking as someone who has suffered a variety of health conditions, as well as anxiety and depression, what seems logical at the moment could very well not be. Your brain can actively work against your best interest in times of extreme stress.
You’re likely in a bad headspace right now, so I’d advise to keep working with your counselor/therapist and discuss this with them.
Also, maybe trite, but things will not always be this bad, but it will if things end for you now. Hang in there if you can. Not judging, I know what it’s like for life to suck so bad you’d rather it be over. I got through that period and I hope you do as well.
There’s no logical reason to clock out early. It stops you from future happiness, prohibits any form of personal growth, and deprives those that appreciate you in their lives of you. It’s a permanent solution for temporary problems.
I’m glad to hear you’re utilizing therapy. It’s a good tool for self maintenance.
And I wouldn’t say you have a mental health issue. You have an emotional health issue. What happened to you sucks. I went through a few of your posts to make sure I wasn’t calling for someone just wanting to create engagement. The fact that it’s a small town and you see her everywhere you go also sucks.
I’d recommend maybe moving if it’s feasible. Definitely take a bit of a vacation. Maybe go camping. Check and see if there’s any retreats going on. Maybe you can get in on some form of group camp outing and make some new friends. Or at the very least meet new people who aren’t part of your day to day.
I’m sorry that you’re in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.
This situation that you’re describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.
Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn’t be given empathy or the right to be listened to.
- an an Enby I’ve both seen and experienced this firsthand.
It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn’t have to be this way.
I unfortunately can’t say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪
💖🙌 You pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖
If possible, I’d highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I’ve personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻
100%
It is, oddly enough, another side effect of misogyny and "the patriarchy " that is not often recognized. Sadly, when it is recognized, it can be distorted by hateful opportunists looking to for profit and influence in the name of men’s rights.
I hope OP finds the support he needs.
I have one particular friend who left me because he thinks I’m anti feminist due to this exact sentiment.
It’s important that you phrase your frustration and anger and sadness entirely on who. This wasn’t women as a whole, this was one woman who stabbed you in the back.
Thanks.
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won’t get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren’t. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren’t worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
I wouldn’t say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
Fair enough
I’d like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.” They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we’ll be left without any at all.
I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
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Thanks.
Yeah I’d be there for my bros if they went through this.
Good on you. In my experience no matter how much you’re there for bros, as soon as shit hits the fan for you it’s “sorry, I’m not really good with that stuff lol” and then they just kind of disappear until you’re magically better.
It’s also not easy to just write people off from your life for being shitty when you’re down and then be left with nobody. People act like “find better friends” is easy. Finding friends at all is hard for most people.
Yea, I have been there for several friends that went through this. If it really is how you say then those people kind of suck atm. Maybe ask one why before you write them off though. Better to know for sure vs remaining angry with people.
OP mentioned in another comment he went alt-right for a bit and came back.
I wouldn’t be there if a friend went off the deep end. I would however call him out for his views and tell him to fuck off vs just ghosting.
Ahh well if that’s the other shoe dropping. I’m always skeptical of folks that never bring up their flaws in the history. OP if that’s true you should own it, and apologize for those beliefs. It’s possible these people were done with you before the divorce.
He commented below with it. Might wanna reply there.
The quality of your life is the sum of the quality of the five people with whom you spend the most time.
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Do my dogs count?
Counseling. Please. Quickly.
Weekly. Last session was yesterday.
Good for you. Keep at it, and don’t just think all counselors are the same. If yours is not working for you, just change. No real counselor will be upset if you do.
They will never suggest change themselves
This is the fourth counselor I have had in my life and this guy is by far the best one. I was recommended him by a coworker whom I respect very much.
Medicine helps too. I’m on Bupropion now, after having suicidal thoughts on Lexapro.
It’s been good for me; it has completely eliminated the ideations, even though things in life have actually gotten worse.
I am on lexapro for 5 years and honestly i didn’t think about swapping stuff. Maybe i should ask about adding welbutrin.
Dude. Coming off Lexapro SUCKS, but I’m glad i did.
That’s why im afraid to do so. 5 years taking it. I feel really good on it though, but maybe the effect has faded and I cant even tell. But when i got on it i felt so good.
If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago. I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.
And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you’re treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.
It is what it is.
Because you’re a dude? I’m just guessing but that’s kinda been my experience: Tough time? Nobody really gives a shit. Man up, tough it out, etc. All that shit. Glad you’re getting counseling though, that’s some fucked up shit.
Without knowing more about you, it’s hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.
One possibility: you didn’t cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their “intimate relationship energy” into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.
Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.
Maybe it’s due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone’s in their early 30s, they’re probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn’t leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don’t already have deep ties with.
Maybe it’s a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don’t teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don’t, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.
I’m not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won’t help you as much as figuring out what to do next.
Thanks.
I just want to say that this was a really well written and thoughtful reply.
Yep.
Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.
I resonate with this a lot. I wished I stopped talking about it with certain people sooner.
I don’t blame them, some people have enough shit they are dealing with and they simply don’t know what to say.
I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet
Men tend to really struggle to make and maintain friendships. That’s not just you. Anyone who thinks you need to “get over it” can get fucked. Healing from an experience like that takes time.
It sounds like you’re already going to therapy. The other thing that helped me a lot was self-care. Be intentional about going doing things that you enjoy. I spent lots of time fishing and playing golf. It was therapeutic in its own way.
You are heard! ❤️
I had something similar happen when I was much younger.
When I was in the relationship, the girl manipulated all of our friends into believing I was cheating on her, giving them sob stories, and telling them about evidence she found that did not exist.
They had no reason to doubt her so they all invited her to move out from our place and in with them, I had no idea any of this was going on and when we were all together everything seemed normal.
One guy in that group of friends stood up for me and said she was full of shit but no one listened to that dude…until her lies came crashing down because I found out she was cheating on me. She left the state within a week and that friend group sat me down and told me about everything she had said and done.
My guess is your ex is similar. She’s probably been playing your friends for a long time and they have no reason to doubt her.
My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.
I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.
My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)
What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.
It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.
I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.
37m going through it now. Mutual aid groups have been supporting me and providing me with community.
Its likely those people just weren’t your friends or even gave a shit about your situation.
