DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.
there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.
like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?
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I’m gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.
You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.
Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that’s really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.
Now do Canada Goose.
Canadian Geese are how I got this experience, I used to live in a town that they regularly migrated through and got into two scraps with them in my youth. They’re one of the few birds that I have zero sympathy fucking up, because both times they tried to attack me, I was just trying to quickly get through their territory with my lunch.
If you’re ever attacked by one, aim for center mass and give it as much force as you can. I’ve never had geese swarm me after seeing one of their comrades get obliterated.
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And where were they now The little people of Stonehenge And what would they say to us If we were here tonight
Except for swans… which are giant geese. Those two are very durable.
At least one person has died from being attacked by a swan while kayaking.
I also wouldn’t fuck with Turkeys. The wild ones are smart enough to actually try to get the hell away from you. The domestic ones are the stupidest fucking animals on the planet, and unlike sheep, they are MEAN. If they think they have a chance to take you, they’ll get the whole damn flock to dogpile you till you start throwing these 20-30 pound birds.
Realistically, if that person had no regard for the bird, they could’ve just grabbed it and strung it’s neck.
“Maybe he didn’t want to hurt the animal,” Hensley’s father-in-law, George Koutsogiannis, told the Sun-Times. “Maybe he didn’t fight back enough when the swan attacked him…I can’t understand how this was possible.”
A single swan can’t actually physically overpower a person, but people can panic and make bad choices, especially when in water and confronted with aggressive wildlife.
That’s why I specifically said ‘while kayaking’ but also I’ve cared for geese, roosters, and swans.
Ever been attacked by any of those animals? I have. Roosters are the worst. They have these sharp spikes on their legs that draw blood. I’ve kicked a rooster with everything i had because it was spurring me and going for my face. Itd didnt just die, thing kept coming at me. I kicked it several times without holding back and it just kept attacking. Took two people to catch it so i could get in my car. The rooster was fine. I was scratched to hell.
That rooster was small. Now imagine a goose or swan with the same attitude.
I’ve worked many farms and those birds don’t fuck around. If youre so confident by all means fuck around with those birds and find out. I won’t stop you.
Geese and swan don’t have anything sharp, and I’m sure had you wanted to, you could’ve grabbed the cock by the neck and wrung it without it being able to actually kill you.
Annoying and perhaps even need medical attention for scratches? Yeah. KILL YOU?
Nah.
I think you’re misunderstanding me here.
The way birds attack is basically the embodiment of chaos. Grabbing a flapping, sqwaking, incredibly fast and pissed off bird isn’t easy, near impossible. I wanted to snap that roosters neck, and tried to grab his fucking legs as they coming at me. Needed help that day lol
I used to have to catch these bastards and put them in the coop every night. It was my least favorite part of the job. The hens were a delight, loved them. Roosters and geese can fuck off though.
Sure, one might not kill you, but add in a body of water, slick mud, obstacles(things geese and swans are around frequently) ect and someone can definitely get very injured or die because they got knocked over and hit their head or whatever. Plus they’re really goddamn aggressive and that can surprise people.
Exercise caution, and don’t underestimate them my friend.
Sure, one might not kill you
My point exactly, mister bird expert.
someone can definitely get very injured or die because they got knocked over and hit their head or whatever
That can happen literally anywhere, anytime, to anyone, with no influence from any sort of avian.
If you wish to be careless around aggressive birds go ahead.
I’m advising caution for reasonable folks who actually wish to minimize injury to themselves and don’t get a hit of dopamine from being deliberately contrarian online.
Enjoy your day my friend! Hope you got your fix.
What about a horse sized duck?
did you know that one of the reasons their bones are hollow is because they assist the lungs with intaking oxygen to provide all the oxygen needed for flight? it’s not just weight saving
TIL, that’s really neat.
I had an incredibly aggressiveale duck that would come after me all the time. He was big, like 20lbs at least, and I’d kick him in the chest with the side ofy foot when he came at me all angry like. His chest was the meatiest part of him, so I wasn’t worried about damaging him with kinda wimpy kicks. Bastard became soup real quickly, though. Overly aggressive birds in my flock don’t get the privilege of being pets.
I too have a chicken-kicking story. Posting now so’s I’ll remember to write it out later.
I don’t know if he’d fuck you per se. But he might make sweet sweet love to you
Cue the Barry manilow
Who in the sweet fuck is boning to Barry Manilow?!
this person was obviously seeing your mother last night
She’s dead, so this only deepens my curiosity.
society as a whole has agreed that “yo momma” jokes are not actually about the other party’s mother. people like you who break that convention gets this
I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.
This is what gen AI was born for
There you go!
AI still struggling with hands I see
Not many people know that even the God of War himself needs a wingman
It’s basically the rules of a knife fight: The primary goal is to control the weapon, in this case the talons. Both of you are definitely going to get fucked up if you try.
The birds on the boardwalk for food. The most aggressive thing it’s likely to do is to steal your food.
My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you’ll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they’ll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.
It is a fight you can’t win good Sir or Madame.
what is it’s pelican season?
Paprika or poultry?
It’s right after pony season.
They immediately change the sign
Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you’re a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.
You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you’re already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don’t really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it’ll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it’s subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.
Then take it to your mom and she’ll take the head and feathers off for dinner.
Best of luck brother.
You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We’ve all been there.
Everybody has a plan until then get punched in the face.
right punch the pelican in the face with another pelican. that’s how you win
I don’t live in a place that’s even remotely hospitable for pelicans but you’re right. It just kind of happens sometimes. Like a fact of life
it’s a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise
I haven’t. Did I miss much?
I’ve been attached by geese though.
Emotionally or physically?
Rejection hurts 🤕
Not as much as geese bites. They’re vicious medium sized bastards.
What’s it going to do? Swallow you? Lmao. It can try. I don’t see how it can intentionaly hurt an actual human.
The best way to fight is to prevent it from happening in the first place. I would recommend carrying an air horn or whistle and use the noise to scare it off.
I deal with a lot of unleashed dogs around here going after my dog so I’m already carrying pepper spray. it’s too bad avians are immune to it.
actually it’s not THAT bad. pepper spraying a seabird would probably end up with it drowning because it can’t see where it’s flying
Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.
But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren’t cleaned.
In other words, the beak is a “Short Sword of poison +1”?
Switchblade of Infection +1
Arrange a Knife-Pelican Fight and make damn sure you Bring a gun to that party
Pelicans have hollow bones. You’d be able to easily break it in half if there was a real fight.
Can you please write a review on Google or something? I would love to know how you would rate the Pelican’s performance in your upcoming battle.
does the pelican have a business where i can leave such a review?
Maybe that one?
Edit: They promise this on their website : “We deliver award-winning customer service by empowering our people to recognise the needs of our customers”.
Why is this comment section full of people ridiculing the question in a community called “no stupid questions”? Like, isn’t the entire point here to be able to ask questions that you worry might be stupid without being ridiculed for it?
Every dedicated “ask <xyz-style> questions” community I’ve ever participated in has had a nonzero amount of users who seem to only show up to bitch and moan that, shock! people are asking <xyz-style> questions. I don’t get it either.
Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.
I wouldn’t worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don’t risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do
They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest… I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere… The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves
I wouldn’t worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly
May I subscribe to Pelican Facts?
there’s a video out there of one trying to eat a duck
And a capybara
And a pigeon. It succeeds in that one.
there’s one of a Holstein cow successfully eating baby chickens.
There’s more than one video of horses eating a chick.
Um… are we talking about in Mexico? Because 40 year old virgin gave little me so many horrible thoughts.
Oh, dear. No, I meant like a baby chicken. It’s apparently a reasonably common thing.
There aren’t many videos out there of creatures trying to eat a capybara.
It takes some ferocious kind of predator to even attempt it.
capybara get eaten in the wild all the time. average lifespan of a wild one is 4 years, and the primary cause of death is predation. they can live 10 years in captivity
their main form of defense is reproducing about as quickly as rabbits. they are sometimes competition for grazing land, but South Americans usually farm them if they’re a pest, rather than exterminating them, as they are very good meat animals. the Catholic Church classifies them as fish, so the more Catholic of community is, the more of them they’re eating (Catholics aren’t allowed to eat meat on friday, and somebody along the way decided fish weren’t meat. it wasn’t unusual to write the Vatican with a description vague enough to get something declared a fish; both the capybara and beaver were classified as fish because the people submitting the request just emphasized the amount of their lives they spend in the water), and there’s a medicinal grease produced from their skin that they use like petroleum jelly.
but South Americans usually farm them if they’re a pest, rather than exterminating them, as they are very good meat animals
As a South American… Eww! Are you getting your facts from ChatGPT?
Catholics aren’t allowed to eat meat on friday
Again, as somebody that was grown catholic, where are you getting that from?
Mostly large snakes and jaguars eat them. Otherwise, nothing is really a danger.
Again, as somebody that was grown catholic, where are you getting that from?
Then, like most catholics in the wild, you don’t have much grasp of the tenets of the religion. It’s weird that I’m the only one in my family who actually remembers anything from the catechism classes, but it seems standard in my see (that I’m not a part of anymore, but when I was forced to attend mass and such) that no one has any idea of the various positions of the faith espoused by the church. Catholicism is one of the interesting christian sects because it actually has a long history of ‘reasoning’ its way to the conclusions that shape the beliefs, and its sort of sad that the average person claiming catholicism as their religion knows so little of it.
Anyway, back to the original point: No meat on Fridays has been a thing for a very long time, in the actual annals of the religion’s leaders. Go look at the council of Trent and their declarations. For the philosophy of it, read Thomas Aquinas and his (now) laughable idea: The idea that fish don’t inherit original sin because they don’t have sex. For the practical reasons, go read the NPR article that details some of the history behind it.
the first fact came from the Bristol Zoo, and the second from Archbishop Bernard Hebda.
You might want to check that first source again.
About the second one… WTF? You’d wish to consult your Catholic traditions from some Catholic authority. Not whatever that is. But the first paragraph is almost normal, stick to it.
OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing
Pelicanitiy!
