To be fair, they’re not messaging you. Their messaging your boyfriend. Different people get different advice.

People’s Friends see red flags, and they want to tell their friend about it before they get into more trouble. That’s normal human behavior.

Of course, you can prove, through a lifetime of good deeds and work, that you’re the exception. And I look forward to having a happy and committed life. But people will be doubtful, and that’s okay. Even if they never say it, they’re still thinking it. So it’s good that this is all out there in the public.

when he posted we were back together on his social media he had tons of people come out of the woodwork to tell him not to take me bac and I was a worthless woman that deserved no rights

See here’s the thing: a person who is able to rationalise something morally unjustifiable once, will be able to do it again.

By cheating you showed everyone you have no real spine to speak of, you can rationalise it all you like (that’s part of the problem) but the reality is that when you had the choice to break up and pursue the other person or not and cheat, you managed to talk yourself into accepting betraying the supposedly most important person in your life.

Moreover, there is absolutely no way for you to ever prove you won’t do it again until you die, and even then some people will still be skeptical even if you never do it again, and they’d be correct to be.

You may have grown a sense of respect for other people’s trusts, or you may have gotten better at cheating, or your boyfriend may have settled for a serial cheater and decided to turn the other way.

Either way they are trying to spare him from this AND to prevent society at large from accepting cheaters back into relationships because nobody, not even cheaters like you, wants cheating to be done to them, and making it something you can come back from makes it more likely.

Just leave this poor guy alone. You cheated. Move on, grow as a person, and don’t disrespect someone’s trust like that again. He’ll never fully be able to trust you again. You are getting the same responses every time you post about this shit. If you are looking for absolution, you’ll likely not find it here.

Perhaps Ashley Madison has a lemmy instance where you can discuss this with fellow cheaters.

So, as someone who’s been cheated on… I can say with certainty that I would never be able to be intimate or vulnerable with my ex. I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about actual intimacy. It takes trust, and that trust has been broken.

I wouldn’t give an absolute “don’t do it” because everyone is different and every relationship is unique, and I certainly wouldn’t chime in without being asked, but I doubt very much the relationship you have now will ever be what you had before.

It doesn’t really matter what you do, or how you’ve changed. The thoughts will still be there, insidiously causing doubt.

Unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.

Because once a cheater, always a cheater.

Yeah, can’t believe all his friends don’t want him to get back with a cheating drug addict.

People are capable of change, sure, but after showing a pattern of behaviour where you show getting off with someone other than your partner is more important to you than the respect you have for your partner and maintaining that relationship, why should anyone involved trust or care about what you have to say on the matter?

And from all your responses here, it seems like you are really trying to justify cheating and are giving excuses to treating your partner like shit.

Take some responsibility, own your mistakes, and try to be a better person, not get angry at people for what YOU did to YOUR partner.

Cheating is a highly emotional issue, possibly even to the point where people who aren’t empathetic will put themselves in the place of your boyfriend. Or maybe they just want to trash talk women under a seemingly legitimate cover.

Whatever their reason, to hell with ’em. I have a lot of respect for people who are willing to put in the hard work and overcome addiction. I wish you the best with your mental health, as well. All that really matters is what you and your boyfriend think. If the two of you are happy, then great!

If it were me, I could not rise above and forgive. But that’s me, and how I feel has zero bearing on you and your boyfriend’s relationship. I also wish you both the very best and a long and happy relationship. 💙

Because most cheaters will repeat the behavior again. At least, that’s the way it appears. I don’t have statistics to back that up, but this is what a lot of people believe.

And they may not necessarily be wrong because most things you do, you’ll do again, especially something as heinous as cheating, which is a betrayal of someone you supposedly have a lot of love and care for yet can go behind their back and do things with someone else that was meant only for that person who’s special to you. Many cheaters have an attitude of “who cares? It wasn’t that big of a deal.” which minimizes the act and seems like a way to justify it if it happens again or gets close to that point.

I wouldn’t put cheating on the same level as murder, but I think it’s more similar to abuse and may be classified as a type of emotional abuse on some level. It’s really harmful and damaging and can be traumatic. I’ve dated some women who were cheated on and it changed their lives so much and made them very insecure and somewhat broken for future relationships. My last ex was a mess from her spouse cheating on her and leaving her and it greatly affected our relationship and how she interacted with me and eventually led to our downfall.

People care about the person who was cheated on and don’t want them to be hurt again. They know the hardship that person endured and the pain they felt and don’t want them to experience more pain if that happens again, which seems likely to many people. And like abuse, if a friend told me their partner was abusing them, I’d feel very concerned especially if they have decided to get back together with this person after going through that. And I and many others feel very similarly about cheating.

And in the case of relationships, it is super easy to overlook someone’s bad qualities and even evil deeds because of how you feel about them. I, to this day, struggle with reminding myself of the evil things some of my exes did to me that caused us to break apart and instead have “rose tinted glasses” and want them back despite the hell they put me through. Good friends remind you of the reality of that person and that relationship and do so because they care.

That’s not to say that cheating should never be forgiven and you should always be branded as a cheater and never experience real love and you can never fully stop cheating. Nor to say that your boyfriend is wrong and you will most definitely cheat again. No, not saying that in the slightest.

Just saying, that’s where most people come from and I hesitate to say that they’re wrong up to a certain point.

If I were a friend of your boyfriend’s, I’d likely be in that camp too, telling him that I feel he’s making a bad decision to continue in the relationship with you for the cheating alone, just on that basis. But there does come a time where as a friend, you should back off and let someone make their own choices for their own life, you’ve given them everything you hope is truth and will benefit their life, and you earnestly hope and pray that you’re proven wrong and the decision they’ve made ends up working well for them. Thankfully cheating isn’t life ending, so no worries there, but a broken heart can last years and is really damaging and sad. No one wants to see their friend get hurt again if they really care about them.

Whether to forgive a cheating partner is a divisive issue. Some people say it’s something they could never move past, others just don’t think it’s a big deal.

I don’t think it’s necessarily men or women - its both. Probably more men commented on your boyfriend’s post because he’s a man.

I can imagine it would be a pretty awful feeling to be in your position - you’ve acknowledged that you messed up, you’ve worked through it with your partner, and now all these people casting judgement on you without understanding the circumstances.

There’s a lot of different aspects to this. The web is full of “drama llamas”. My guilty pleasure is reading /r/aitah posts, even though I know they’re fake it’s still really engaging and reading everyone’s comments is interesting. People say things online that they would just never say to your face. So comments are way more hurtful.

My advice has two parts:

ask your boyfriend to delete the post because the people commenting don’t really know you or the situation and it’s very hurtful

Secondly think through what you would tell a good friend who had been through something like this, it’s probably something like "yeah you did mess up, but everyone does sooner or later, you’ve learned a lot and you’ve worked through it, " et cetera.

Why is it rong to forgive the one you love ?

Whoever you were unfaithful with probably hadn’t promised your boyfriend anything, so definitely it’s irrational to blame “the other guy”.
If you had agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, you broke that agreement, and for most people that’s a very serious thing.
I do not however buy into your claim that this issue is something men care about more than woman. On the contrary women are generally the ones complaining about unfaithful men, to a degree one would think that is much more common. When statistics clearly indicate that since there are more men than women, chances are that on average, women are more frequently unfaithful than men.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeonhole_principle

Why does anyone need to accept it.

I can’t understand the thinking where you think other people should accept it. Cheating can lead to very serious traumas with lasting effects. Many of us have lost friends. Friends who have killed themselves after being cheated on.

People can change. But most cheaters will cheat again. Cheating is a selfish behavior and people who cheat in my experience are incapable of changing their ways. It’s a line that crossing it in the first place says so much.

Why would people speak out? Personal experience. I have friends I haven’t spoken to in years but I still want the best for them. I want them to succeed.

Nobody cares.

Your past posts tell a very clear story, I recall the post you deleted, the language and ideas you present are frankly pretty messed up.

You’re misattributing people’s response to your actions as general philosophies.

Any chance that this is a matter of sample size? As in, he has more guys in Facebook than girls. At least the ones who know him well enough to ask this rather personal question.

I have no answer for you, but I don’t see why this would be a gendered thing.