Could’ve been one sentence.
‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.
Removed unnecessary adjectives, they distract from the punch imo
Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.
It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.
“You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.
I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.
I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
“You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.
Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.
Not better
♪OK then I’m a legal aid, Erin Brockovich is my name♪
Failed too efficient. Technically now a one sentence horror story. DQd until revised.
“and then a ghost popped out!!!”
Spot on reply 😂
Why does Pinocchio want to turn into a school?
He wants to be filled with kids.
Oh, carry o… wait a minute
Wants to reform education. He’s been concerned about recent reports of attention disorders in kids
Technically he wants to be a real boy? Doesn’t seem as horror as I first thought.
In case anyone is wondering whether Lemmy has such a venture:
