• A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world
    0·
    2 months ago

    Could’ve been one sentence.

    ‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.

    Removed unnecessary adjectives, they distract from the punch imo

    • Paradachshund@lemmy.today
      0·
      2 months ago

      I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:

      “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.

      • Zozano@aussie.zoneEnglish
        0·
        2 months ago

        IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:

        He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.

        Or,

        He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.

        Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.

    • tyler@programming.dev
      0·
      2 months ago

      I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.

    • IndescribablySad@threads.net@sh.itjust.works
      0·
      2 months ago

      It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.

    • Brainsploosh@lemmy.world
      0·
      2 months ago

      “You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.

    • Uli@sopuli.xyz
      0·
      2 months ago

      Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.