⚠️ This post was translated from my native language using a machine translator, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.
Hello lemmy!
I’m struggling with a certain problem and don’t know what to do, so I’m seeking help here. However, before I describe the issue, let me outline our current family situation. I am 18 years old, my mom is around 40 but closer to 50, and she’s a wonderful, kind woman. About 5 years ago, I introduced my mom to the world of the internet and computer games. She plays various multiplayer games and meets new people through Discord.
Some time ago (around a year), she met a guy (around 20 years old) from an authoritarian, harsh country. They have been talking and texting each other for over a year, with almost constant contact. They reply to each other’s messages almost instantly, within seconds.
This guy, she met, eventually shared with her that his mother passed away a few years ago, he has no father, and he’s struggling, living with his aunt and cousin. Allegedly, his aunt treats him poorly, forces him to pursue studies he’s not interested in, and there are constant disputes, with his belongings taken away as punishment (e.g., phone, laptop). In short, a dysfunctional family.
One day, during a conversation with my mom, this guy mentioned that she reminds him a lot of his mother in character and voice. Somehow, it turned into him treating my mom as his own, over the internet.
Then my mom asked me and my siblings if we have any objections to calling him our brother and showing him love, as he is currently a mistreated orphan. Since it was just an online relationship, I agreed. After all, what harm could it do? If it makes someone feel better, why not? And so, my mom, my siblings, and I virtually adopted a guy from the internet.
Everything was fine until my mom suggested he escape from his authoritarian country, where he’s having a hard time, and stay with us for a while to find stable work and housing.
Here’s where things heated up. Initially, my mom wanted to give him a place in my room. When I said I didn’t want a stranger from the internet in my room, she started arguing that I called him a brother and that she knows him well, and ultimately, it’s her house, so she sets the rules.
I tried to explain my perspective, that it’s just an online acquaintance, and many things can be hidden online, but physical acquaintance is entirely different. However, she insists, arguing that she knows people who knew each other online for a long time and got married immediately upon meeting in person. She also mentioned that they (my mom end my virtual brother) had many arguments during that time, and in arguments, everything about a person comes out, so she would have noticed if he were a bad person.
Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.
I have him added as a friend on Discord. I don’t really enjoy talking to him because we don’t have common topics. He can’t play games because his current family took away his laptop as a punishment, but my mom forces me to chat with him…
Almost every conversation about him ends up in an argument between my mom and me.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think about it. What should I do? Has my mom gone mad? Or maybe I lack empathy and can’t help someone in need? And if I’m right, how do I talk to her? 😪
Immigration is slow for skilled workers in fields with high demand. For someone who is “studying” and has no skills, it would take years to get a work visa legally, if even possible at all. I agree that you will probably never see this man in your house, and are more at risk of your mom sending money to a scammer who disappears once he collects all he can.
In the event that this legitimately progresses further than what everyone else’s advice covers, then you may need to get child protective services involved if any of your siblings are younger than you. Bringing a non-resident into your country, and potentially boarding them in a shared room with minor children? CPS is not going to look at that in a positive light. Even if it is legal for her to help this person in some capacity, CPS might spook your mom back to her senses before it can get to that point.
Your mom doesn’t really know him, even though she thinks she does. She has a big heart, but the idea is dangerous. Without knowing the countries involved, there could be legal issues with him moving too.
I hate to say it but yes, your mom sounds like she’s gotten a bit too attached to this guy. Sounds like a common online scammer. Has she given him any money? Let me guess, he’s probably told her he just needs a little bit of money for a plane ticket and they can be together
No no no, nothing like that. He is not asking for anything himself. My mother has sent him a couple of times a few dozen dollars supposedly of her own free will, which he didn’t ask for, and he is said to be very grateful for them. He even sends her proof of purchases of what he buys with that money comparing prices and choosing the cheapest products (because the country he lives in is poor).
Until you said he sent her proof of purchase, etc, i was on the side of ‘maybe not a scammer,’ but once you said that, the alarm bells started ringing again.
Dont trust this person. His story is likely fabricated and tailored to pull at your mums heart strings. He is manipulating her. What you need is picture evidence of who this person is. Or better a video call. That will prove he is at least who he has described himself as.
Yeah, he’s going to ask for more. He’ll need money for a plane ticket, and a train ticket to the airport, and his mom will find and take the money so he’ll need more, and then he’ll need to bribe someone along the way, and someone will rob him, and and and and and …
He is making your mom send it in her own will of course barring that he actually is a nice guy.
Not mad but possibly premature. In fact, you probably don’t have anything to worry about, the odds aren’t great. There is a reason most authoritarian places have communication restricted.
I’m curious, she states that she has argued with him in the past and that it would’ve revealed the kind of person he is.
What have they argued about in the past? I would almost say that having argued with someone multiple times that you don’t even live with is a red flag for happening at all, instead of a green flag that he’s not a bad person. I’m curious if the context of their argument would make more or less sense.
Are you seriously saying that people dont argue over the internet? Is this your first day?
I don’t mean random opinionated internet comment arguments. If I think about online acquaintances that I actually message privately, like Discord, then I don’t argue with any of those people ever. The people I actually privately want to know and have added as friends, anybody who id even come close to calling, for instance, “brother”, I don’t argue with any of those people.
Random dude on a message board who has awful takes, of course, but I don’t add that guy and send him money or consider letting him move into my house.
I mean sure, if you talk about common interests with people youre less likely to argue, but if you build actual relationships and communicate a lot, arguments are bound to happen. Not arguing with people you are actually close with seems unnatural, whether on the internet or in person.
I think it depends. I’m very logical and my brain likes to identify issues and cleanly solve them. Arguing in circles is a waste of time and energy. Basically, it’s complicated. I think the nature and frequency of the arguments are important to get a better idea of OP’s situation, that’s why I asked.
Arguing in circles is a waste of time and energy.
So you’re saying I waste your time?? I thought you liked me!
This is a good point! I’ll ask her
I honestly do feel for this guy (assuming they’re being completely truthful), but I think getting them to move countries and share a room with your kid is too much of an ask for your kid
Assuming they’re telling the truth
This sounds like it could be a possible scam, but I don’t know enough to be sure
A man she has never met, online interaction only, being put in the bedroom of her teenage son?
All I can really say to that is ‘bro…’
This story is so full of red flags of internet scam. Let me emphasize: Well-known red flags.
🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.
🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.
🚩🚩🚩 He is a scammer.
My suggestion is: Make her suspicious. Make her google for all these well-known schemes. She needs to read about it herself, because she won’t listen to you. Or maybe hear these stories on YouTube from the people who have fallen before.
I wouldn’t feel safe sleeping in a room with a random internet stranger my mom met over the internet. In fact, I wouldn’t really feel safe sleeping in the same room as people I’ve met while playing internet games and I’ve met some cool people. People can easily fake an internet persona over long periods of time. I don’t feel like this is empathy problem on your part. Trust takes time to build and it’s not something that can really be done over the internet if your entire history with the person is based purely on online interactions.
I would be generally concerned. There are scam operations that are almost exactly like what you described. Scams nowadays aren’t quick - some of them take months to set up, and the scammer talks to the victim (often a middle-aged lady) for weeks to months before they start asking for money. It’s unfortunate the world is like this, but sometimes you have to be callous to other people to protect yourself. I don’t know what I would do in that situation.
It definitely sounds like a ‘pig butchering’ scam. They find someone lonely, give them a sob story, proclaim a special bond, talk to them for months, then start asking for money or pumping an investment scheme. Most likely, he would never come to your country, but rather will start saying “i need <thousands of dollars> to travel there…”
How is it worth it for someone to put in months of time for this small amount of money?
Sometimes they get tens of thousands, like if they convince the person to invest in a fraudulent investment scheme. Also, it’s not fulltime work with one person… maybe an hour or a few a day per victim, and they do several at once. Reply to one person, reply to another one while waiting to hear back, reply to another… and sometimes the people doing the ‘work’ are merely employees working for a wage or percentage! If they’re in a country with a different scale of currency like China, Brazil or Moldova, 10,000 USD would go a lot farther than in the US.
Anyway, it’s not theoretical. Check out this Wired article for instance, or one on ProPublica. They’re basically the same as the “I’m a lonely doctor in the military in Africa” romance scams that have been going around social media for years, somewhat descendants of the famous Nigerian Prince scams.
I just realized these scammers probably have CRM software.
Just thinking back to my last sales job. I was selling stuff at about $20k per sale, and my process was typically four or so 2-hour meetings with them.
My system was all paper, but that’s just because my company sucked at providing the resources we needed. Each prospect had a paper file, and I’d track each conversation. Then on the computer I had emails and files from each person separated out, and tasks to remind me to follow up.
I just realized that, in terms of personal organization, being a scammer is identical to a sales job.
Thousands in a country where the wage is like 50 bucks per month is a lot.
The USD goes a long way in a lot of countries and these can by no means by small amounts of money. The youtuber Kitboga does a lot of videos exposing these scammers. They usually have a few different marks going at a time and, once the relationship is built up, can receive hundreds of dollars a week, steady, indefinitely
Thousands isn’t a small amount, especially if the exaggerating rate is good.
I worked for 12 years in a fraud control department.
This guy’s a fraudster. Your mom is being scammed.
Yeah it really sounds like it will turn into “hey I need some money to travel to your place”, “the government seized the money you sent me, could you send me more?”, etc.
This can NOT happen, the risk is too big and people could get hurt. Your Mom has allowed this to escalate too far, too fast and can’t see the danger she is inviting.
Your Mom isn’t ‘mad’ but she is definitely being reckless and while trying to help someone else that she thinks needs her, she is forgetting about her family that need her. She doesn’t know everything she needs to know to be sure this is a safe idea and she doesn’t have the resources or ability to find out. Just getting to know someone over the internet is NOT enough and it IS possible to be deceived even when you think you know the person well. That’s how online scammers work, they have to be convincing or people would not give them anything.
Even if they are telling the truth, the amount of help they’re going to need and the long term commitment could be a disaster for you all. This person will be completely dependent on your family while in your country and they may have all kinds of complicated needs having come from a difficult home in a very different country, and with potential immigration questions. Offering to help someone with those kinds of needs is not a good thing to do if you are not truly in a position to offer that much help. Already your Mom can’t even offer them a place to stay without making promises on someone else’s behalf (yours), can she really offer what will likely be years and years of emotional, legal and financial support to a stranger without compromising her responsibilities to her family? When you speak to your mother about this, you need to remind her that YOU are her first responsibility and you are the one being put at risk most of all. You mentioned siblings, I’d be worried about them too. Are they minors? This is just such a bad idea.
You should speak to your father and find out if he is really okay with this like your Mom says? It sounds possible that like you, he didn’t think it would do any harm for your mother to comfort this person online and now it’s getting out of control and he doesn’t want to upset her or doesn’t know what she’s promised them. If he really doesn’t have any objections, then maybe there’s other family members you can talk to? Most people outside this situation will think your Mom is making a bad decision and maybe you have an Aunt or Uncle that can talk to her. YOU are her first responsibility, because you are her child and family, this person online is not. It would be nice if it was possible for her to take care of the whole world, but it isn’t, and if she tries to do that she might find herself unable to care for you and your family either because she gets scammed and loses your family’s money, or because the person invited in to your home turns out to be more dangerous than expected or just requires more care than any of you can offer. It’s not that they don’t deserve care or help, it’s that it’s not help your family can reasonably and safely provide.
I hoped I would have good advice on how your mother could still help this person without the risk of being scammed or without going way too far like inviting them to live in your home but unfortunately I don’t know any way that can be done. Though tragic, there is sadly a line where your personal responsibility for others ends. When caring for strangers involves risks to your own children that line has been crossed. Help offered to people in bad home situations, or in dangerous countries or in this case both, is complicated and difficult and full of risks even for professional organisations that try their best to do this, to take on this responsibility personally is very reckless and dangerous for your Mom, for you, for the rest of her family and even for her internet friend. Once he stays with you guys, what then? Can he work in your country? Can he legally immigrate there? What’s his family going to do if they find out about you guys? How long can you support him? If he stays for some time and it doesn’t work for any reason, where could they go? They’d be be alone in a foreign country with no where to stay? This isn’t a real plan, it’s a big, kind, but thoughtless gesture that needs to be reconsidered.
I second finding other adults and asking them for help. As well as your father. Do you have family friends or family memebers who would be willing to hear you out and back you up? It may be possible to convince your mother this is a bad idea, but I suspect she will be more receptive to opinions from her peers as opposed to her children.
I’m going to say something different from most, this guy might be genuine, he might just be some kid thats a bit lost. He might be a scammer but we haven’t heard proof of that yet.
HOWEVER, you can not move a stranger, however lovely, in with your teenage son. That’s just not a thing. If he wants to come live with you, AND he can get there by himself, then why can’t he live on the sofa? You also mention your siblings being supportive, why can’t he share with them? Are they younger than you?
Could he even move there legally? Would there be immigration issues if he tried?
See if you can read the messages yourself between the two of them, try to work out who’s suggesting these things. Is he talking about lack of money a lot? Is he constantly having ‘situations’ that your mom needs to fix?
He’s grooming your mom and now your mom is ‘grooming’/readying her entire family, so he can run away from his situation in his home country and start again. The question is this: why is he running away? He has a roof over his head, he’s an adult, his aunt is forcing him to study so he can get a decent job?
Sorry this is ridiculous, he just thinks he wants an easier life and sees your mom as a way to get it. If he gets into your home, he won’t be getting a job, he’ll be playing games all day and eating food and doing nothing. Because that’s what he wants, to be taken care of.
I’m all for giving people opportunities, but this guy has no plan, beyond living with your mom. Also, again, he’s not a ‘kid.’ He’s an adult, let him figure things out for himself, or else he’ll always look for the easiest solutions and be a major problem for your family. Yes, he’s scamming your mom. Show her alle these responses and tell her to grow up and protect her kids lika an adult should do.
