⚠️ This post was translated from my native language using a machine translator, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.
Hello lemmy!
I’m struggling with a certain problem and don’t know what to do, so I’m seeking help here. However, before I describe the issue, let me outline our current family situation. I am 18 years old, my mom is around 40 but closer to 50, and she’s a wonderful, kind woman. About 5 years ago, I introduced my mom to the world of the internet and computer games. She plays various multiplayer games and meets new people through Discord.
Some time ago (around a year), she met a guy (around 20 years old) from an authoritarian, harsh country. They have been talking and texting each other for over a year, with almost constant contact. They reply to each other’s messages almost instantly, within seconds.
This guy, she met, eventually shared with her that his mother passed away a few years ago, he has no father, and he’s struggling, living with his aunt and cousin. Allegedly, his aunt treats him poorly, forces him to pursue studies he’s not interested in, and there are constant disputes, with his belongings taken away as punishment (e.g., phone, laptop). In short, a dysfunctional family.
One day, during a conversation with my mom, this guy mentioned that she reminds him a lot of his mother in character and voice. Somehow, it turned into him treating my mom as his own, over the internet.
Then my mom asked me and my siblings if we have any objections to calling him our brother and showing him love, as he is currently a mistreated orphan. Since it was just an online relationship, I agreed. After all, what harm could it do? If it makes someone feel better, why not? And so, my mom, my siblings, and I virtually adopted a guy from the internet.
Everything was fine until my mom suggested he escape from his authoritarian country, where he’s having a hard time, and stay with us for a while to find stable work and housing.
Here’s where things heated up. Initially, my mom wanted to give him a place in my room. When I said I didn’t want a stranger from the internet in my room, she started arguing that I called him a brother and that she knows him well, and ultimately, it’s her house, so she sets the rules.
I tried to explain my perspective, that it’s just an online acquaintance, and many things can be hidden online, but physical acquaintance is entirely different. However, she insists, arguing that she knows people who knew each other online for a long time and got married immediately upon meeting in person. She also mentioned that they (my mom end my virtual brother) had many arguments during that time, and in arguments, everything about a person comes out, so she would have noticed if he were a bad person.
Then she told me that I’m the only one causing problems about this, and my siblings and father have no objections.
I have him added as a friend on Discord. I don’t really enjoy talking to him because we don’t have common topics. He can’t play games because his current family took away his laptop as a punishment, but my mom forces me to chat with him…
Almost every conversation about him ends up in an argument between my mom and me.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think about it. What should I do? Has my mom gone mad? Or maybe I lack empathy and can’t help someone in need? And if I’m right, how do I talk to her? 😪
This can NOT happen, the risk is too big and people could get hurt. Your Mom has allowed this to escalate too far, too fast and can’t see the danger she is inviting.
Your Mom isn’t ‘mad’ but she is definitely being reckless and while trying to help someone else that she thinks needs her, she is forgetting about her family that need her. She doesn’t know everything she needs to know to be sure this is a safe idea and she doesn’t have the resources or ability to find out. Just getting to know someone over the internet is NOT enough and it IS possible to be deceived even when you think you know the person well. That’s how online scammers work, they have to be convincing or people would not give them anything.
Even if they are telling the truth, the amount of help they’re going to need and the long term commitment could be a disaster for you all. This person will be completely dependent on your family while in your country and they may have all kinds of complicated needs having come from a difficult home in a very different country, and with potential immigration questions. Offering to help someone with those kinds of needs is not a good thing to do if you are not truly in a position to offer that much help. Already your Mom can’t even offer them a place to stay without making promises on someone else’s behalf (yours), can she really offer what will likely be years and years of emotional, legal and financial support to a stranger without compromising her responsibilities to her family? When you speak to your mother about this, you need to remind her that YOU are her first responsibility and you are the one being put at risk most of all. You mentioned siblings, I’d be worried about them too. Are they minors? This is just such a bad idea.
You should speak to your father and find out if he is really okay with this like your Mom says? It sounds possible that like you, he didn’t think it would do any harm for your mother to comfort this person online and now it’s getting out of control and he doesn’t want to upset her or doesn’t know what she’s promised them. If he really doesn’t have any objections, then maybe there’s other family members you can talk to? Most people outside this situation will think your Mom is making a bad decision and maybe you have an Aunt or Uncle that can talk to her. YOU are her first responsibility, because you are her child and family, this person online is not. It would be nice if it was possible for her to take care of the whole world, but it isn’t, and if she tries to do that she might find herself unable to care for you and your family either because she gets scammed and loses your family’s money, or because the person invited in to your home turns out to be more dangerous than expected or just requires more care than any of you can offer. It’s not that they don’t deserve care or help, it’s that it’s not help your family can reasonably and safely provide.
I hoped I would have good advice on how your mother could still help this person without the risk of being scammed or without going way too far like inviting them to live in your home but unfortunately I don’t know any way that can be done. Though tragic, there is sadly a line where your personal responsibility for others ends. When caring for strangers involves risks to your own children that line has been crossed. Help offered to people in bad home situations, or in dangerous countries or in this case both, is complicated and difficult and full of risks even for professional organisations that try their best to do this, to take on this responsibility personally is very reckless and dangerous for your Mom, for you, for the rest of her family and even for her internet friend. Once he stays with you guys, what then? Can he work in your country? Can he legally immigrate there? What’s his family going to do if they find out about you guys? How long can you support him? If he stays for some time and it doesn’t work for any reason, where could they go? They’d be be alone in a foreign country with no where to stay? This isn’t a real plan, it’s a big, kind, but thoughtless gesture that needs to be reconsidered.
I second finding other adults and asking them for help. As well as your father. Do you have family friends or family memebers who would be willing to hear you out and back you up? It may be possible to convince your mother this is a bad idea, but I suspect she will be more receptive to opinions from her peers as opposed to her children.