I, just wanna stop feeling anything. Never had friends but I could live with that, but I just want someone to embrace, someone that feels something for me, even if doesn’t last. Better than 0 for the rest of my life. This situation is slowly killing me.
The only thing that gives me some relief is gaming… (I read the post of like a ago here that several dudes met their partner thanks to a videogame and I felt even sadder, why that wasn’t me? I’ve been gaming for 30 years now).
You sound depressed. It’s a dark place, like a deep sinkhole, that you might not be able to climb out of by yourself. Seek help. You can get antidepressants that will lift some of the weight and sadness. With them, you’ll be able to take a breath, go outside and socialize. You’ll find the energy to actually meet people. It’s always better to start with friends (including women), a romantic relationship can come later. Once you’re able to get into a healthy routine, you might be able to get off the meds.
That’s not a possibility to me.
Why not?
Perhaps lack of money in combination with being born in the wrong country? I’m sorry if that’s the case.
Only child of two parents who worked full time, growing up in what is essentially a retirement community. Not a lot of other kids around. Got used to playing by myself. Spend enough time as a hermit and you get used to it. You get used to the stillness.
I build things. When I’m building things, I end up in this head space where basically any feelings go away and I’m just doing. Concentrating on dimensions and operations, making things work. The part of my day when I’m not doing that and have mental time for feelings is definitely worse.
Getting outside can help- a walk, dog park, outdoor cafe, …
Having a dog helped me really get to know lots of people in the area when I moved home to somewhere totally new to me. Having a really friendly and safe dog breed makes you immediately so much more approachable, an ice breaker conversation (the dog), and a regular opportunity to meet the same people out and about.
If you’re in a situation where a dog is a good choice, I’d really recommend it.
I would add that demonstrating that you know how to love and care for another being also makes you feel safer and more approachable to someone weary of strange men. It’s a great way to put a potential victim at ease.
The family already has a dog
How do you feel about the dog? Would you be willing to take him/her for a short walk each day? Having someone/something that depends on you can be huge. When my son was struggling he got a cat. It gave him a reasom to go home each night. Sometimes you’ll do for someone else what you won’t do for yourself.
No, not really. I was against having it.
Friends also help with loneliness.
Don’t skip friends. Romantic relationships are friendships+ with the difficulty level dialed up by x10. If someone can’t build and keep friends, a romantic relationship is likely to be bad and will fix nothing.
If you literally just want a hug and don’t currently have someone in your life to do that with, paying is an option. Friends can also give hugs.
I don’t really know.
I’ve made some bad experiences in school when the general narrative was “men are all bad people” so I distanced myself from anyone. But that’s a stupid way of society.
Men are not all bad people. You need to look at the person individually. Go out and have some self-confidence. Ask yourself: how would you see yourself? What if you encountered yourself, how would you react? I think answering these questions helps you to find a path in life that works better for you.
Hope that I could help you.
I would fuck myself honestly. I don’t care about hobbies or being “interesting”. Why not the rest can be like that?
honestly, from what i’ve heard, lots of gay men seem to think like that.
Oh FFS don’t call be gay just for saying that, I’m not fucking gay. I’m saying that if I were a girl I would have sex with me, ME. Only because, yeah I’m a loser, but I’m not a bad person and I don’t care about someone’s hobbies. If I could pick a girl using a magic spell the last thing I would care is if she’s “interesting” or “quirky”. For me if she’s isn’t social that’s a plus.
I don’t care about someone’s hobbies.
If you care about someone, you pay attention and show interest anyway. I don’t give two shits about Taylor Swift, but I know SO much about it because my wife loves it, and I play along.
Isn’t that lying? You just said it, you don’t give a shit. I’m being 100 percent honest with this “imaginary other person”… But I guess people don’t care about honesty these days. I guess asking someone loving and me loving her back just for “us” without the need of being interesting is impossible.
That’s the neat part, I don’t.
Work on meeting your own needs, inner and outer. Strangely, when you are whole within yourself (I’m not talking about rich, good looking, live in a certain area and drive a certain car, I’m talking about addressing things within your means and loving you, for who you are, inside out, taking care of yourself, parenting yourself --healthiest foods you can acquire on your budget, regular mental and physical hygeine, spiritual if that applies to you, a running gratitude list regardless, so you focus on the positive, even if small), you glow, and people are attracted to positivity.
I’m not one of those people who cares about wealth, good looks, etc. I’m just genuinely someone who is on her own a lot, more socially than in terms of coupling. For a few reasons, I am a fish out of water in my area, which is to me what Rock Bottom was to Spongebob. I can’t expand on the few unreachable freebie friends I have so as long as I score a zero in conversationalism and so as long as neither school or work has helped in this regard. The most interaction I get a day is with my pup, and I barely speak a dozen or so sentences a day. On top of all that, almost everyone wants me to be their GF/mate/whatever, leading to the added precaution of socialization traps, not least since I have an awkwardly low drive or physical focus, and I’m talking mostly about people who won’t take no for an answer. I’ve only ever fully (as opposed to interpretively incompletely) obliged once, and despite us still being close, that’s a part of how I ever knew the difference in the first place.
My darling, it sounds as if you have very low self esteem. That’s a learned belief, and a survival mechanism. How accessible is therapy to you? Better if good therapy is available, but that’s pricey where I live. I can’t give you a hug irl; please wrap your arms around yourself and know, just know, that’s a long, firm cyber hug from me. Best best best to you, and I’ve to begin another level of study on my vocational path and it is intense. So if I don’t reply for some days, just know my time is so very scant and I will reply as I can.
Or maybe, you know? Life sucks in general for some of us? Therapy won’t do shit for us.
That’s a victim/lack mentality. And life will continue to suck as long as you continue to wallow in it. I guess I would know, since I stayed in it for decades. I got tired of it enough that I went into therapy for another decade, longer if you count the off and on. After I couldn’t afford a good therapist, I had a nde due to a physical assault, which led to a complete ego death, and that can only go three ways: flight it and end up institutionalized or on the streets; surrender into it and do the work to come out better, surrender into it, then get arrogant again and life starts sucking again. Your choice.
Of course none of that needed to happen, if I’d had good, consistent therapy available on a continuing basis, or effectively learned some of the other techniques Iike replacing negative self talk with encouraging and empowering self talk, self soothing, self nurturing.
In the end, the choice is yours: get sicker and life gets worse; or do the necessary hard work to get better, and realize it will also suck, for a time, be patient, with others and yourself, have a daily gratitude practice. Either way, no one’s coming to save you, since no one can save you but you. And that’s not going to happen until you decide your actually worth doing all that hard, dirty work, for as long as it takes.
Along with all the great answers being supplied about what to do to be out there in the world, what you are proposing can’t be overstated; I would make explicit in that to take an ongoing frank look at how you show up in life
Idk about OP here, but with so many similar posts I notice, for instance, people who basically blame others, or wallow in a woe is me attitude, all the while putting down any suggestions floated their way. We are the common denominator in our own lives. Learning to be honest about our role in things is crucial
Idk about OP here, but with so many similar posts I notice, for instance, people who basically blame others, or wallow in a woe is me attitude, all the while putting down any suggestions floated their way.
It’s all the same dude. You can line up the creation of each account to the time the previous one was banned going back like 2 months now. He’s on I think his 14th account now. OP is a ban evader, an incel, and persistent troll.
And here I am trying to help this guy with suggestions. You’re right - there’s like 15 people doing the same thing. Same attitude, same responses, same “no can do” attitude. Gotta be the same person - shame on me for falling for it.
That’s why I’ve spent a little bit of effort keeping track of all of OP’s accounts and calling him out. Because his trolling is very effective. His writing style is really good at pulling on people’s heartstrings and then when they show any kind of sympathy he makes them regret it by wasting their time with his nonsense.
Strictly speaking, I’m not an incel (femcel?) if that’s what you’re getting at, in fact I’m an asexual. I am technically an infren (femfren? The suffix “fren” is used to denote a social angle.) though because of all the incels. The things I score low on that stand in the way of me and a good circle are A) conversationalist skills B) the capacity to fulfill physical needs (I’m told I look like I’d work out but that’s as far as it would go) C) opportunities (I did fall to the bottom of popularity at school, so being someone’s classmate/workmate cannot save me) and D) hobbies. There are also a few things about me that rub a lot of people the wrong way, my orientation being the prime one of these.
Yes. Sure; and most are too shell -shocked to accept that, at first. I certainly was, at least. In my personal opinion, most of us need a little nurturing and time to allow spiritual bones to knit back together a bit first, so the elementary work offers a brief respite from the hamster wheel until we become able to work through the 12th year coursework and get off the wheel. I guess post secondary learns how to stay off the wheel for extended periods, and post grad is a whole other wheel we choose, for self-development in appropriate levels for appropriate times.
There a balance between being gentle and mollycoddling, and each individual and circumstance dictate that balance. And as always, “new levels, new devil’s.” Ourselves being the first, middle, last pit boss, always. We just use others as mirrors and kid ourselves about it, sometimes, for funnies and development, in equal measure. The really neat trick for me, is learning how to STAY PRESENT, in the present moment, especially when it’s painful, because that’s where I’ll find the most answers, doing the homework. In the end, that’s justice, and the difference between karma and dharma has just as often seemed to be in millimeters, as often, if not more often, than light years.
Hobby groups. Be it hiking, book clubs, dog activities, wood carving, painting, electronics, photography, amateur radio, stargazing, coffee tasting… Anything really. As long as it gets you out of the house regularly.
Have a look around meetup.com and see what your city has to offer. Join a few different ones, don’t just give up because you didn’t like the first one.
And also don’t be the one who introduces themselves as someone who came because you’re lonely. That gives of a desperate vibe that can set people on edge.
Getting involved with group activities is always the best answer. Hobby groups is a fantastic suggestion. Don’t overlook volunteering, too. And like Viking says, don’t be clingy. Relax and focus on the activity first, and let the social stuff happen naturally.
I agree. If you’re not looking for hobbies (plural) that are fun just for the sake of fun (not meeting people) - then you’re short changing yourself in many levels. When you’re passionate about a hobby, it’s almost impossible not to make friends. When you make friends, you’ll meet their friends, and with all those people - your chances of finding something more than friends increases.
Video games can be very social IRL, but it’s not the norm in my experience. Some suggestions: Go to a gun range, archery range, axe throwing, anything target based and show up for a public shooting day. Those people (myself included) LOVE people who are new to the sport and they’ll let you use all their equipment and show you how to do it. Pick up a pool cue and start practicing by yourself at a pool hall. You’ll become a regular and again people love to show you the ropes with that sport. Join a fishing club - it’s not just old men who do that (although there’s plenty of them) but before you know it you’re going on other people’s boats and whatnot. Mountain biking - requires more cash to get going as you need a bike - but those people are animals and are always looking for people to go on a ride with. Get involved with your local library and book clubs if you like to read. Again more expensive- but golf. Lots of people who love to golf - if you go alone, you’ll usually get paired up with and find others to golf with. You get the idea, pick up an instrument, rc cars or planes, habitat for humanity - there are endless things to do and you’ll soon be looking forward to your alone time ;)
I’m not passionate about anything unfortunately. I only like videogames. Anything gun related is basically illegal or complicated here and you need lots of money also a person like me shouldn’t be close to guns. And I live in the middle of nowhere, to do high school, the teens need to go to another city, just think about that.
Ya I mean it’s hard to meet people if they aren’t around. I don’t know what “the middle of nowhere means”. Some people really do live where there just aren’t people around. But lots of people use that phrase when places of gathering are half an hour or maybe an hour away. I’d suggest it’s still worth the drive if you can figure that out.
I was suggesting targeting type things, not necessarily just guns - because they tend to have low barriers of entry. Pool, bowling, archery, darts, etc. They also tend to have social components as well (happens in a bar for example, or there’s a club house/place where people meet). Leads to other things. Sports are also great - even if you’re not athletic and bad at sports. Especially the “weird” sports - you may find something non traditional that you’re good at, and usually people are super happy just to have anyone who wants to participate.
Just things to think about - that’s all. Find out what people near you do. There’s gotta be something. Then go try it even if it doesn’t sound like your thing. You may like it, you may not. Keep doing that and sooner or later you will find something to be passionate about.
Meeting people - romantic or otherwise - is a result of you engaging with people and enjoying the thing/hobby/whatever you’re doing together. People who share common things gravitate toward each other personally. That’s just the way it works - embrace it my friend! Go have some fun! ;)
I wish that’s how would work to me… Trust me, is not. And again I really don’t care about others people’s hobbies most of the time, I don’t expect a person doing the same, if only I could be with someone without being “forced” to become someone else.
And I can’t go to have some fun when nothing gives me fun.
Meet up isn’t a thing here. I live in the middle of nowhere.
How about some facebook groups, Craigslist or whatnot?
Same thing. And Facebook is used mostly by old adults. And I don’t use Facebook anyways, I hate that place and hate being bombarded with photos of generic attractive girls I don’t know
Then I guess your options would be to look for events in the next bigger city, or consider moving.
Middle of nowhere and fighting loneliness don’t exactly go well together.
I literally can’t move, live with my mother and currently I don’t have a job and can’t drive a car (not like we have one anyways)
This guy shows up weekly. His accounts keep getting banned. He posts things like this, and then tells everyone trying to offer real advice that it all doesn’t work for him. It’s attention seeking and he doesn’t actually want help. This is basically a troll post.
Sorry that this isn’t helpful, but for many years it was alcohol.
Yeah, same, and seems like a temporary solution but I’m trying to stop being overweight.
I found that physical workout classes are very good as long as you show up consistently
I’ve done that before. Not for me.
I don’t think OP is actually interested in making their life better, but for anyone else who saw the post and was like “oh that’s me” there are good answers in the other replies.
Nothing I’m going to write is especially original.
First off, you probably need to be somewhere where there are people. Cities are great. Nowhere, Nebraska is going to make things harder. If you’re out in the country you’re probably going to need to move or commute. There may still be local stuff happening, but with fewer people there’s probably less of it.
But once you find where people hang out, you can probably find a meetup or similar, and go.
There was a board game meetup I went to before the pandemic that had regulars and new people every month. Good way of making friends. I don’t like board games that much, but it was still fun.
There’s a bar near me that runs events from mixers to movie nights to kink stuff. I’ve gone to the mixers and made a handful of friends and acquaintances.
The local library by me does stuff. Lessons, talks, I think they might have book discussion groups.
Stop making excuses. Sitting there going “I don’t like bars. I don’t like board games. The library is too far away. The city is too loud” isn’t helping. You can make excuses for anything to justify not changing, but then you won’t change! You’ll stay just as you are, with opportunities slipping away. No manic pixie dream girl is coming for you. The would-be friend you could make is at the movie night chatting with someone who actually showed up, even though he doesn’t like the genre that much.
If some of the problems are actual blockers, like “I live deep in the suburbs with no public transit and no car”, then cool: that’s your first problem to solve. You’re not really going to get anywhere (no pun intended) without addressing that.
How are those excuses? That’s a reality I live and I can’t change, I’m not trying to lie to you. Also notice how I’m only replying certain people
It’s hard to engage with your problem specifically because I don’t know your specifics. I understand you might not want to share details like where you live.
It feels like just making excuses when someone’s like “find a board game group” and the other person’s like “I don’t like board games”, and dead ends it there. Like, the deep meaning there is to find a group based around a shared activity. It doesn’t have to be that specifically. Board games, bird watching, bike riding, choir, book club, just general mixers for people in the area, kink groups, whatever. There’s a whole world of stuff. It doesn’t feel like you’re making any effort beyond shooting down suggestions.
But, as I said, if the problem is “I don’t have a car or means of getting to where people meet”, then you should fix that first.
I like certain videogames, that’s it. Majority of adults and especially women aren’t into them.
I kind of think you’re trolling. There’s really nothing else in the world you like? Not even food?
If that is true, or at least you believe it to be true, you should probably consider a wider entertainment diet because that doesn’t sound healthy.
There’s a whole world out there. Go try more of it.
I’m not. Yeah, I like food but that’s basic nature. I despise trying to cook.
There are food groups.
There are social groups for other “basic nature” stuff.
Go find something you like.
You asked how to cure loneliness. There’s your answer. Go find stuff to do with other people in person. Stop sad-posting on here.
I wish you understand, we’re going in circles. I don’t like anything and most of the things you say aren’t a thing here.
People have met their partner in a video game? I don’t know dude… Don’t count on that chance of happening.
Anyway, stop focusing on not trying to be lonely. It will only make you more lonely.
Yeah, maybe they were lying or something, but it still bummed me out. It was a post here from last week
My brother in Linus, get busy. make a game
A nice cocktail of a lot of prescribed psych meds, going to a bar, eating kebab, meeting strangers
Considering your comments, you are probably in a mindset where I’d recommend reading the funny named “How to Be Miserable” by Randy Patterson. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25898044-how-to-be-miserable
If books are too much right now, you can get a great summary by CGP Grey’s video based on it https://youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o Be sure to watch the footnote video after too (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qGCAE1jte8)
