I was dating my coworker for about two months until one day she decided to pull a baby joke on me. I was 20, and she was 29. Everything was completely fine before this. She hopped off of me (we went all the way) and smiled at me with a somewhat evil look, saying, “In 3 months, you’ll get the notice.” I looked at her, scared, trying to ask if she was joking, and she said, “Yes,” but I still didn’t believe her.
We had a bad moment; she immediately ended the sex, and I dropped her off at home. This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?” Additionally, the date we had planned for the week, she canceled without saying anything, and then didn’t text me the entire day. When I tried to call her, she hung up on me twice and didn’t call me back until the next afternoon.
She made my life a complete hell after all of this. She would hold me up if I asked her out on a date; she would be the one to initiate. I couldn’t ask directly; I could only mention it. By the way, she is Latina and did say to me that she was toxic. I got so scared after that incident that I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support. Unfortunately, this coworker backstabbed me and called her.
She freaked out on me, saying it was just a joke and that I needed to “be a man.” A simple “sorry” from her would have gone a million miles, but she couldn’t even do that. I was so freaked out that I was planning on killing myself that week. We talked things through after a couple of days, and she wanted to take me out on a date again, but I just didn’t trust her anymore. My gut was telling me no, especially when I asked to use her phone to make a phone call, and she got all jumpy, saying she had to call insurance.
At that point, I decided to secretly end the relationship. I started playing dumb until she eventually left. But am I wrong for dumping her? Obviously, I am 99% sure she was cheating on me and using me. She was very nice though, only up till when we would go on dates, she would play super hard to get, her friends even let me know this, so I don’t know if this was some fucked up game she was playing or if she was really just cheating. We only had sex twice and she was my first ever date with a woman.
Also, she held me up for 2 months, didn’t text for over a month and barely talked to me at work, and then got upset on her last day on why I didn’t want to get back with her. She ended up completing her joke by leaving after 3 months. Another coworker (different), I told him the situation, still freaked out, and he said that he saw her and she’s not pregnant. I literally told him that he saved me from a year of pain
EDIT: I was drunk when the took rhe condom off
Just disregarding everything, you are free to end a relationship whenever you want for any reason, period.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole for breaking up with someone - no one is owed someone staying in a relationship they hate.
Sounds like she is a garbage person that you should not date, talk to, or even acknowledge exists anymore. Go to a Dr. and get an STD panel ran.
BUT:
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support
You are an asshole for that. Be better next time. Learn from this, if a relationship feels this bad, especially so shortly into it, dip out as directly and clearly as you can.
I will be better next time, I understand how fucked up that was. It was just the stress of everything, she knew my job was thinking about firing me at a couple points, and she still decides it’s okay to stress me out, especially to that level. It was just the stress of it all that was killing me. I couldn’t get her to come out after that, hang ups, flaking on dates, etc. (before I called) and she was starting to really scare me. I just completely lost my mind.
AITA for breaking up
No.
Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
If I didn’t love myself, I would’ve stayed in this relationship. She was not my source of happiness. I learned to let go of her, even if that meant losing my first potential girlfriend.
I believe I am ready for a real relationship, just not with her. It was complete mental torture.
There are so many examples in your post where you place her above you and she is not equal in that return.
It is challenging, especially when you think of things like, “Love means sacrifice, or hard work.” And those statements are not wrong, but they are also easy mechanisms your brain uses to justify why you let someone shit on you.
I am coming from a marriage of 20 years and after getting therapy, finally realizing just how I much I enabled the treatment I received.
Sex is such a strong urge too, ESPECIALLY at 20. That and fear of loneliness.
I’ve got something that is worse though. 20 years I will never get back because I convinced myself if I just kept loving her, she would eventually love me back the same. That I just need to be strong and the sacrifice is worth it. Now I don’t even really know who I am anymore.
You got this in a short dating period.
I am not red pilling or any of that other chauvinistic bullshit because this applies to both partners.
Almost every single example you presented was reason enough, on its own, to leave her.
But you twisted yourself into thinking there’s no way this is what it is. You must not be seeing it right, there must be some justification for her behavior. It must not be a big deal, or you are “over reacting”.
That can be anywhere from poor self esteem to just putting your partner on a pedestal.
If your partner does something that makes you think, “I could/would never consider doing that.”, in a bad way, it is most likely not an equal or healthy relationship. (This mostly applies to how they interact with you and others.)
You are NTA, you just need to respect your own boundaries, even when it hurts.
That’s not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.
Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it’s predatory as hell.
If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.
She raped you and then joked about exploiting you and a child for money.
NTA
Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
What is stealthing?
So-called ‘stealthing’ is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person’s permission.
From OPs story it sounds like she took it off and that was the end of it - no “stealthing”.
I would say to you stop trivializing a woman’s actions that everyone would consider rape if the genders swapped
If he was the one who slipped off the condom secretly, would you not consider that rape?
Regardless, OP is immature and has a lot of growing to do, and she took advantage of that in a number of ways. I feel for this kid. Terrible situation to be dragged through
There are various forms of sexual assault but they violated his consent and then continued to engage in a sexual activity. that’s rape.
You both sound like complete assholes her behavior is completely inappropriate as is your “citizenship” nonsense to “avoid child support” is also completely toxic.
NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn’t care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner’s consent is extremely f-ed up. It’s a form of SA.
The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it’s pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you’re not a citizen. Still nta.
Totally understand. I just felt like I couldn’t trust her even if she said no or yes, and I don’t believe she would’ve taken a pregancy test. She also kept holding me up on dates for about 4 weeks after what she said, then I told her I wanted to break up. She still was trying to get back with me but I was intentionally screwing things up to get her to leave. I was really scared of her after that moment, which is why I tried to seek external help from that coworker. My mind was looking for an escape at that time because I was thinking about suicide. It’s a very terrible situation and I hope you can understand where I was at the time. (Still not okay, but I just couldn’t handle the stress)
Like I said, you are nta in the situation. She put you in a horrible, life threatening situation. You acted out of fear and you did no harm. I just think it’s important to recognize the harm that could have been done. Consider it a lesson learned and an opportunity to move forward as a wiser, and perhaps stronger person. Sending you love.
Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You’re absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That’s not OK even if you’re very scared.
Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
Removing a condom alone isn’t rape. From OPs story they didn’t continue having sex after she took it off without his permission, so there is no rape.
We did continue having sex. I was drunk when she took it off.
Was she drunk too? And you knew she took it off and chose to keep going?
I understand, but I was suicidal, and I wanted it to end so badly, I was in such a terrible mental state.
She would not want to talk, I would ask her out for lunch, she would cancel. I would try to call her, she would hang up. Texting her about it, well, I would be writing my own death sentence it felt like.
She made it scary to even confront her about it, because I felt like she would break up if I asked. I was terrified, I wanted the pain to end. I just completely broke down and I hope you can understand where I was coming from. Still, not okay, but it was just such a terrible situation.
The only line I’m confused about is “she didn’t text you for the entire day”
So she was taking a day… so?
Am I missing something there?
Other than that, taking off the condom without permission is not cool. But why didn’t you stop the interaction at that point? Did she have you tied down or restrained where you couldn’t stop her? What prevented you from stopping things?
She didn’t text me the entire day on the same day we were supposed to go on our date. I was also drunk when she took it off. Sorry for not clarifiying that.
Nta, and not shaming you at all op—I was twenty once too—this go for everyone that needs to read it: when someone tells you they’re ‘toxic’, believe it (and fucking run).
You were wrong for having a relationship with a coworker. Don’t shit where you eat as they say. I would avoid any girls like this. removed the condom. wtf. I would assume she was inviting anal at that point.
Trust me, I learned my lesson. I am never doing that again.
I’m sorry you went through all this, it legit sounds like the whole situation broke you mentally, when things that are this high stress go on for that long, it can really fuck you up.
People rarely listen to good advice when the fun mistake is staring them in it face. The not dating at work thing isn’t for when things go right, (a lot of people get married having met at their job) it’s for when things go bad like this. You are trapped with them! Like you said, lesson learned, don’t keep beating yourself up.
Next time, and don’t let this scare you off of dating in general, communicate with your partner before that the idea of knocking up a partner is a genuine fear, set a clear boundary. Good on you for resisting getting back into the situation once you had been made truly uncomfortable.
NTA
…the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission…
This is sexual assault and illegal in some places. Granted it is normally the reverse, but I believe the law is written so that it goes both ways.
EDIT:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removalI’m always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.
This girl’s the dirtbag. NTA in my book. Holy cow what a ride you were forced upon…
Edit: Now that I think about it, I wonder if there’s an AITA thing on Lemmy. If not, I’d be happy to make that.
I don’t know, if only it didn’t attract all kinds of creative writers and compulsive liars, in search of sympathy and sweet sweet upvotes… “I kicked my son out and disowned him because he didn’t like my ketchup ranch lasagna AITA”
Yeah. I like the concept, but half of the ones I saw on Reddit were obviously bullshit written by teenagers who think that real life plays out like movies.
That’s completely understandable, and a valid concern. I could potentially think of a solution to rat out the creative writers and BS’ing teenagers (or AI slop).
