Something I learned a long time ago: I should never, no matter the circumstances, be trusted with large sums of money.

I once came into a substantial amount of money via an insurance settlement. Did I invest it? Pay off debts? Create a rainy day fund? HA! Gambling, drugs, hookers, drugs for the hookers…I lived like Caligula for almost two years. Debauchery was my middle name. And if I ever came into money like that again, I’d do the exact same thing, because it was fucking awesome!

That’s a weird way to describe the Chinese government.

This little thing of people getting Illuminati invites is giving me an idea for a movie…

So in my movie, a group of dudes decide to start calling themselves The Illuminati, just for the fuck of it. It’s just a name after all, and they don’t really do anything but get together and drink or fish or just do dude stuff. They make a little Facebook page for their Illuminati group that’s just pictures of them having fun.

But then they start getting contacted by world governments asking them to do like really high level stuff. Like, one country wants them to engineer a famine in a rival country, another needs them to help them cover up a UFO crash near a small town. Any they don’t know how to do any of this shit. James is an electrician. Edward teaches eighth grade Spanish. The hell do they know about being a shadow government? So now, they have to figure out how to do all this stuff while still making it look like they’re just some happy weed smoking dudes who like to hang out and have fun together.

No one ever asks me to join the Illuminati. 😔

Right? Expose your baby to quality music, like Lorna Shore.

I’m just here to bask in the duality of humankind.

All gather and stand in awe at the majesty of the mustard tiddy!

Best. Day. Ever.

When I was in college I decided to go drag for Halloween. I got the gayest dude in our dorm to pick my outfit, wig, do my makeup, and make sure everything was perfect. Then a bunch of us went bar hopping and it was easily one of the best nights of my college life.

There any love here for Icthyosaurus?

Just looks like a big derpy lemony shaped dolphin, with a snoot that 76% more boopable.

In other news, PJ Harvey is apparently still alive.

I once saw a group of four or five seagulls gleefully dismember and eat a crab alive.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying…that’s a possibility.

I joined the army because I had no idea what to do with my life.

35 years later I still have no idea what to do with my life.

That’s my 20!

Little fuckass wingrat took my 20, took his picture with it and calls himself TeH mOneY PiDGiN and acts all benign and shit.

Fucker bought meth with it. Asshat.

Okay follow up question…

All at once?

If I don’t have a twin can I check that one off or do I need to pick someone at random and adopt them as my twin? Also is it 100% absorption or are there parts I can omit, or is it okay to absorb small portions, say, bodily fluids? I have specific reasons for these questions.

Yeah my housing unit had a little laundry room with four washers and dryers and a folding area. All the laundry guy did was offer the convenience of doing your stuff for you and giving it back to you nice and clean and folded, you know, for people who couldn’t be bothered to do that for themselves.

Man, they’re gonna have a hell of a time trying to turn me into a likable, sympathetic protagonist, but sure, give it a shot.

I was in a low security federal prison for a couple years. There was actually a surprising amount of work and leisure activities to keep inmates occupied if they chose. There were maintenance jobs, including electrical and HVAC jobs that you could actually get certification for. There was a full library, education facility, computer lab, chapel, rec center with indoor and outdoor courts, and fully equipped music and art studios.

I worked in the education center, helping other inmates work towards their GED. Inmates who didn’t have a high school education were offered extra good time if they got their GED, and it was rewarding to be a part of. In the evening I usually went to rec and played in bands with other inmates who played.

The housing unit was usually quiet. We were all short timers who just wanted to get their time done and go home. We didn’t have cells. We were in little cubicles just big enough for a bunk, lockers, and a desk, and we generally had free roam around the place. Folks would get together and play board games in the evening. And of course there were your usual hustles…the store guys, guys who’d do your laundry, whatever.

looks around

I believe the shitposting groups are thataway…