I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.
Respect her and her needs. If she doesn’t want, there are good reasons for that.
She is underage, so that also counts maybe?
Maybe she is protecting you, or herself… Can you tell?
Friend of mine had the same scenario in high school. The only one who knew was the twin sister of the girlfriend. The rest of the family would never have accepted a non-muslim. It’s probably the only way to do this until she’s an adult and can tell them to fuck off.
No pressure? You don’t think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she’s upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we’re all free to do things your way?
Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn’t about the culture gap at all? Maybe it’s about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?
Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that’s in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you’re just bad at being selfish?
Hey there, am an Australian from a Muslim family. I too have the same, yet opposite, relationship dynamic as you - though our families are both aware now.
Formally, it is considered forbidden for Muslim women to marry outside the faith; her family won’t take it lightly. Perhaps in ways you haven’t considered.
Talk to your girlfriend. Ask her what she is worried about, and she will tell you. That is the best thing you can do.
Try and ask her the real reason why she might be reluctant. “Because they’re muslim” is not a really strong argument; “because they are fundamentalist and they might extrange me as daughter or prevent me fron leaving the house if they found out” is a very practical explaination on this compromise she decided to take.
Families are complicated and sometimes shitty, but it’s her family and navigating around you and them could be difficult (she might love her parents and want to maintain a relationship with them, or she hates them but relies on their financial support, both options are valid)
Yeah here is the thing: honor killings still happen in Muslim families in the west.
Not saying her family is that extreme, but they could very well be. Even if they’re not, prepare for a lot of problems when they find out. If a Muslim girl tells you that she can’t tell her parents about you, idk trust her on her word. I know the feeling, it sucks, but that is part of the deal you made when you got serious with a Muslim girl
Do what she says or she will be killed by her family 🤡
It sucks that she opened herself up to a relationship when she couldn’t fully commit to it with you.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through things like this.
Other comments raise a good point about Muslim culture and it’s worth considering.
What about this situation is causing you to be upset?
I understand your pain. I (37m) and my husband (43m) are in a loving relationship for about 15 years now. Due to the cultural differences of my husband’s family, he has not declared our relationship to his family (living in his home country). They probably know we’re more than roommates. They like me. But nothing is outspoken. (His homecountry also has a 7y prison sentence for same sex relations)
Like peer comments mentioned. It’s their decision how and when to communicate to their family. It’s not easy, but if you truly love your significant other, you’ll find a way to accept.
it’s normal to wait for a while before presenting to parents. for muslims its an especially serious thing. that culture probably doesn’t have a lot of casual dating. regarding her family, you should be supportive in doing things however she needs you to do them. don’t be a pussy about it
Why does it upset you?
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.
Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.
Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you’re aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can’t expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn’t be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.
I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Unfortunately, that isn’t up to you to decide for them.
Be careful, try to respect a (probably) different culture. You will not be able to change them.
Try to find out what is possible to do and tell, and what is good to do and tell. It’s going to take some time (we cannot know how long).
If you behave respectful now, it will earn you their respect and this makes both of you a happier life.
You actually don’t get that they are muslim, at best they won’t be happy that she is seeing someone and that someone isn’t muslim. At worst this can go into honor killing territory. In general it’s best not to be involved.
Honour killing is such a rare thing, I find what you are saying blatantly islamophobe tbh. Do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
And yet, she is obviously afraid.
I’ve just stated that it’s a possibility, and at worst. These things really happen, if rarely, point was it’s better not to force an issue if other party is unwilling.
At best, they will be upset
At worst, they will murder
Jesus fucking christ.
First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.
Second, at best they won’t be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn’t muslim and won’t be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I’ve dated whose parents didn’t give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who’ve dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.
What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
What is this racist bullshit?
Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.
Race and religion are fundamentally different, one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over, the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from. I’m sick of this “you need to respect everyone’s religion” bullshit. No, I cannot respect an ideology which promotes stoning gays, and anyone who does is a moron.
the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from.
Tell that to every gay muslim who can’t speak out.
It’s so frustrating constantly seeing people use the “Muslims stoning gay men to death” thing while never thinking about those gay men other than as a fucking scapegoat.
As for your shit about one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over… You think that doesn’t apply to religion? You think that a dude born in the middle of Saudi Arabia is going to get a say on what religion he grows up under?
Yes. Religion has problems. Many fucking problems. But handwaving it away as something that you have no control over is a minimization of reality and a fundamental demonstration that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Don’t use us gay folk as an example for your hatred when you don’t care about the gay folks INSIDE of that group. Things are not as black and white as you want to believe that they are.
And all of that without bothering to point out that you’re being just as bigoted by acting like every single Muslim is absolutely the same.
Well yes, the whole situation is complicated, I don’t advocate hatred towards religious people, I just think that religion should be criticised like any other ideology, and eventually left behind by society. I think that every person should have the privilege of growing up in a society that isn’t hateful and given the kind of education that would allow them to form their own beliefs, not just blindly inherit them. Sadly we are still far from that.
I used that as an example because it was the first thing that came to mind, I could have used any of the other million religious beliefs I disagree with, this isn’t about people, it’s about ideas
It isn’t complicated.
I responded to a dude who was being openly discriminatory and you responded in such a way to say “No, I’m allowed to discriminate because nonsensical reasoning.”
It is as simple as the fact that you are a hateful bigot.
I don’t think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.
I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it’s happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it’s ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn’t want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it’s ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.
But it’s fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.
I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!
First, religion is not a race. Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
First, religion is not a race.
Might want to educate yourself on what racism is because Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism. Source 1, Source 2, Source 3.
Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority.
Which is irrelevant unless OP lives in the same area you’re from. You also did not clarify that and spoke about Muslims as a whole, you did not clarify level of secularity.
Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
I doubt anecdotal evidence from you personally is reflective of reality in your area, nevermind world wide.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
And again, anecdotal evidence from your specific area. That isn’t reflective of reality and it is racist as shit for you to go “My experiences reflect reality as a whole.”
So. I say again. What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
Sometime I forget that wrongthink is not allowed around lemmy. You are perfectly fine with giving right answer even if it can bring horrible result.
Make up whatever narrative you want in order to protect your ego.
You’re just a bigot.
The fact that the girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won’t be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.
It’s nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.
Okay. Not sure what your comment has to do with me calling this dude out for being bigoted though. None of that is “permission” to be bigoted.
