my toxic trait is thinking I could win a fight with a goose
no you can’t
I’m not huge or athletic but I probably weigh, like, twice as much as a goose. I get that they’re incredibly pissy and they have teeth and pointy bits, but I’m still betting on me.
I grew up near geese. You will not win without just straight up killing it. And you will be more hurt than you could believe.
In this context I think we have to assume life or death tactics by both combatants.
But that’s an important distinction because MOST of the time we deal with pissed off animals that we don’t want to hurt, much less kill. So that gives some animals a big advantage in real world encounters. Maybe most adults could kill a goose if they had to, but in real life 99% of adults are going to back off or run away rather than deal with a fucking goose!
Our battle will be legendary. I may lose my life but I am bringing down the bastard with me.
That’s the spirit
Punt to the chest. Bird bones are papier mâché. Never get in a fist fight with a goose, their wings will break your arms. Definitely don’t try and snap its spindly little neck. Just kick it in the chest
Maybe if you have little bird bitch arms.
Me? I’m nothing but arms. With all the typing and masturbation I do, I’m nothing but them.
Me: 💪🧠 🤳
Me too i don’t know why internet strangers are afraid of them that much, unless you can’t use any type of weapon i guess
That’s the point, yes. This is unarmed.
Manatees. Lazy fuckers.
Looks up Manatees
They measure up to 4.0 metres (13 ft 1 in) long, weigh as much as 590 kilograms (1,300 lb)
Huh. Nope.
A fish, unless I’m underwater instead of it being on land
Fuckin’ shark. As long as we’re up a mountain.
$5 on the shark. You would claim a false victory and try and mock the shark too close before it died.
You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation
I wish i could choke the shit out of a sloth.
sloths have those long nails and could slit a throat
I have a pretty good rear naked choke so. Lights out Sloth.
They have very long arms
You see the neck to head ratio on them? You better be built like Thorsen to try and choke one of them three-toed half-wits.
I will take on every animal at once, and win.
By being elected president on a platform of bog-standard normal liberalism, FDR style, behind a remotely charismatic personality rather than a shambling horrid human corpse. I will legislate the space force to create huge satellites that catch solar energy and funnel that energy down to the surface with big microwaves. I will take this opportunity to equip the space stations with hypersonic aircraft that will drop normal supersonic personnel carriers, ensuring a global response time of only a few hours. This will probably be less monetarily intensive than putting a US military base everywhere on the planet, so I’d use those savings to expand the nuclear arsenal, and possibly deploy some of those weapons to space in secret under the guise of some commercial wi-fi satellite ventures. I will reveal this fact to everyone later on once they have all been globally deployed and nobody has any countermeasures, and then I’ll start performing a bloody hostile takeover of the planet.
Then, I will attempt to quintuple global fossil fuel output. I don’t know what we’ll use all this excess energy for, probably we’d just use it to build more horrible weapons of war, or huge impenetrable underground citadels, or whatever. I will get rid of regulation for industry, ensuring massive environmental disasters. I will even tell the CIA to do some of them probably, nord stream pipeline style, and they’ll probably do it cause they’re crazy. Maybe I’ll use the microwave power grid to blow up some of my enemies by boiling them until they explode.
At the end of my term as god emperor dictator, a disgrace and shell of my former self, I will use the nuclear football to ensure no life on the planet survives, except for maybe basic viruses, bacteria, and maybe a couple different insects. I will arise from my presidential super-bunker to face a barren world. A perfect world, free from sin. Thus concludes the 2nd Global Emu War.
If I wasn’t going to do any of that and I just had to give like the least dangerous animal I personally could take on, I’d probably say like. Maybe a stray ant. That might be too sad, though, because that’s just a lonely ant and it’s sort of too pathetic to kill it. Maybe like a really evil guy that’s about to die anyways? But that’s also too sad, because that’s just a meat-puppet automaton of life that has shambled around until it’s shut down. Maybe I could just kill like, dick cheney, or something, someone super evil. He looks too much like george costanza for me to do that though, I think.
Edit: actually I think I could take on any invasive species of animal barehanded, with a combination of my extremely tough fists that I have been spraying with dog medicine, and tai chi exercise DVD training regimen.
How has nobody linked what might be the best chart of all time
A horse?! that guy is delusional… most men won’t have the ability to defeat (unarmed) anything bigger than a medium size dog…
Anything bigger will likely overpower a regular human, most smaller would just be too fast or have different, naturally occurring weaponry to defeat us
If you get prep time you could set up some traps.
Assuming both sides see it as a fight to the death, the horse will also engage so you could just run away into a bunch of traps. All you need is for the horse to injure a leg in one trap and it’s done for. I think even just some holes with a couple spikes would be enough to injure and maybe even sprain an ankle.
Without prep time you’re pretty doomed, I think your best bet is either climbing up a tree to buy you some prep time to make a spear out of the branches or worst case diving in, aiming to do damage to its legs (unlikely) and hope you are able to get out without being trampled (unlikely)
What if you’re on a superflat world and there are no trees
Horses are skittish and will run from you, maybe an athletic human who knows how to track could chase it down until it’s exhausted caveman style
What about those miniature horses?
Lol does the horse retreat count as a victory?
I think horses have quite a lot of stamina, the only animals actually comparable to humans. Which is why we ride them.
We’re still a lot better over distance, iirc, which is why we are able to ride them
Yeah horse messengers were only really a thing when you could change horses at stations. That’s the whole point of the marathon. It’s based on the history of a foot messenger (at a time when we very much had domesticated horses).
I’ve heard in a fight against dog you should go for their snout
A panda wouldn’t be too difficult, they basically kill themselves.
Travis Kauffman and C. Dale Petersen have entered the chat. Outside of rutting season, you can intimidate most large herbivores smaller then rhinos/hippos/elephant sizes by just posturing aggressively. Some breeds of cattle are just assholes and shouldn’t be messed with regardless.
Yup. Humans aren’t large animals. If you want to compare bodysize, check the weights of the animals and the heights of everyone on all fours. Humans are mid.
I can take any of them! Fossil fuel burning intensifies
What’s the women’s version of this?
Which of your friends do you think is cheating?
I don’t understand this comment. What does the gender of the cheater have to do with it? Also, how is this a fun speculation? Trying to figure out how long you last against 1 goose seems more entertaining than guessing which of your friends is secretly a disgusting cheater.
If I could turn off my empathy and love for animals I think I could defeat a Husky, maybe a German Shepard or similar with a kick to the head.
A single sheep? Maybe, if it’s not a mother. Goat? Fuck no. Anything larger than that and I have no fucking chance. Perhaps I could scare a deer, but that’s it.
They use those dogs for police dogs. Pretty sure they’ll take you.
I didn’t say that I could take on a trained police dog with its handler. That would be a different fight altogether.
One time I was hiking, and I saw some deer so I started yelling at them to get away from me. I swear one of the deer looked at me annoyed and like “I could take you”
I’m pretty weak so I don’t know… a vole?
It’s better than the people saying they can only take a fish out of water
I have successfully defeated several small fish and rodents over the years, and numerous insects.
I accidentally killed a mouse, sorry little guy I understand my shoe smelled like cheese…
I murdered a bat by grabbing him with my toes and throwing him across the room while I was half asleep. I thought he was a sock.
I could probably hold my own against a tardigrade.
House centipede. In fact, I could probably take on two of them!
Not three though.
