For LGBTQ+ folks who want to blend in, what tips or advice can you give?
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Not from the requested community, but a general tip to seem like you belong everywhere is act like you are disinterested in everything around you.
Just pretend to be bored.
This works for men at least.
Look at straight people and act like them? I’m not really sure what to respond. But I know several people who don’t really stand out. And I mean it’s not like we talk about sex and partners all the time on the street or at work. So unless you wear a red dress or have a crazy wig, I won’t really notice if you’re queer. (I’m not really sure if we’re talking about outer appearance here, or every day situations like going to the supermarket, or hiding your true self from close friends and relatives…)
I was going to say how would I be able to tell your sexual orientation?? Just act normal. Its only a bit more obvious when someone has a more flamboyant affliction to their speech or dress with a clear label on their clothes that they are LGBT+
True. Though I think the speech thing is some stereotype, and educated people should avoid doing that. I know the average person immediately jumps to conclusions if you talk a certain way… But I’ve learned early on in my teens that this isn’t a reliable way to tell apart gay people from straight people… But I agree with what’s being said here. If you want to avoid being labeled, don’t talk in a “gay” way and don’t be overly nice to people as a man. Or be empathetic or whatever good traits you might have… But that’s all more stereotypes for gay men. Out of all the possibilities of being LGBTQ+
I agree with the speech thing and apologize. There are just same people that are very flamboyant where I live because they are proud and should be.
As I have said before, I dont think I would be able to tell. Theres nothing to do to blend in if you’re just yourself 🤷♀️
By the way: I don’t think you were wrong before… That’s the stereotype. I think it’s a valid thing to discuss, so no need to apologize. It’s stupid, but it’s definitely out there. And I guess it’s different at different places of the world anyways. And in different age groups etc. I still don’t know what OP is talking about… I mean I kind of think those details and the context matter to answer an exact question.
And I’ve also met all kinds of different people… Extroverted, flamboyent, introverted, people who like to talk about themselves or people who prefer to keep that private. I think I agree, with most people and in every day situations, there is just no way of telling who they are or what they like.
The speech thing definitely but long hair nowadays no don’t think so. I mean the man bun is a thing.
Though I think the speech thing is some stereotype, and educated people should avoid doing that. I know the average person immediately jumps to conclusions if you talk a certain way
It is common enough to be a recognizable trend even if it is not 100% accurate. That is how it ended up a stereotype.
The only problem is when someone assumes it is always true.
It’s a real thing though
Sure. I didn’t want to say it’s not a stereotype or not some real dynamics behind that. It’s just unreliable. Thanks for the link btw, I didn’t knew these studies with numbers existed. If I’m super bored, I’m gonna read some of that. But the first study is wild in the abstract already, mentioning homosexuality in one sentence with another word that we don’t longer deem acceptable to mention in the same context… Guess the world has changed a bit since 1994. But there are newer studies linked as well…
The only way I knew my coworker was a lesbian was because she told me about her wife. Literally just be a normal human, and no one will think either way.
Honestly I wish everyone spoke as clearly and articulately as gay men. Mumble and mangle your words together, and dumb down your vocabulary to sound like the typical straight dude. Think of yourself as a kid in school, the teacher just called on you, and you really don’t want to answer.
Honestly I wish everyone spoke as clearly and articulately as gay men.
You should hear me speak, you might mistake me as straight…
Seriously tho don’t stereotype us like this, even if it’s positive on its face it’s still harmful and incorrect
Michael Hobbes said the same thing, take it up with him.
I have no idea who that is. Should I?
Speech Cadence. I know some people do it, and some don’t, but if you do it (and I hope you know what I mean) then at the very least, this will immediately lead many people to assume you are LGBTQ+, regardless of how true it may be. I say this in the interest of helping, and sincerely hope it does not imply or convey any sort of bias on my part. The fact that people in this country need this information right now deeply saddens and angers me.
Easy one. Get your best guy/girl friend if you can use their photo as your phones lock screen pic or background.
Less is more.
I knew a guy who was gay, but closeted at work, or at least, he thought he was closeted at work.
He came out to a friend of mine at work, and she took me into confidence, nervous about revealing his secret. I had to tell her everybody knew. I suggested that she let him know that he could be out to the rest of us and it wouldn’t make a difference (partly because no one cared and partly because everyone knew).
When one of the guys was getting married, the gay guy was the one that insisted we had to have a bachelor’s party at a strip club for him. We all went to a strip club because we weren’t supposed to know he was gay and we couldn’t just say, “Dude, you’re gay. Straight, adult guys don’t really do this. Can we just go to a restaurant and get dinner or something?”
Straight =/= misogynistic. In fact, I would argue misogynistic would usually mean some kind of confusion or anxiety about sexual identity anyway.
Straight people aren’t all the same any more than LGBTQ+ people are the same. I’m a straight, CIS male. I don’t like sports at all. I don’t drink beer. I like deep, emotional movies. I like show tunes and musicals. I sew. I also like trucks. I like the outdoors, but I would never want to go hunting because I don’t want to kill anything.
There’s a guy from my high school who everyone thought was gay. He’s not gay, but there’s have probably always been people who thought he is. He has a kind of flamboyant persona. He’s married to my wife’s best friend from high school and they have two grown kids.
My advice, just be who you are. If you can’t be out, don’t be out, but you don’t have to put on an act. The closer you stay to the truth the easier it is.
To give another example from a not-gay guy: I drink beer, I enjoy stupid movies like Gladiator where almost naked guys bash each other’s heads (but not because they are naked, because the movie is funny), I don’t like musicals, I sew too, but I don’t care about trucks.
Why all this? Don’t know, don’t care, being myself is hard enough, I don’t have time to think about it or give excuses.
Being gay is weird for a lot of reasons I can’t understand. I have a friend who is “almost closeted” but too old to hide it fully. We respect his decision not to talk about it, but we always laugh when he makes jokes about blowjobs or crude stuff that only gay bros can do. He’s a great friend and doesn’t look repressed or depressed, but I always hope that he’s not unhappy inside.
Edit: shit, I made 2 answers on the same comment, well, fuck it.
As someone who has masked both neurodivergence and sexuality, it’s not worth it. It will be challenging to navigate our biased and unaccommodating world, but the challenges pale in comparison to true happiness. Happiness is always fleeting, so seeking a negative peace pretending to be something you’re not is a fool’s errand. Hiding yourself will only ever lead to pain and mental anguish.
“Yeah so for this unmeasurable and ephemeral thing that I myself just called ‘fleeting’ you should totally act non-het and potentially put yourself in mortal danger because I, an internet stranger, said so.”
no one is obligated to follow my advice. OP wanted advice, and my advice from lived experience of over 20 years of masking is that it isn’t worth it.
There’s something in data science that you learn at the very beginning, which is that you can’t observe the counterfactual.
That means you can’t base your data on the possibility of what would have happened had you chosen differently.
What you’re doing is assuming that your (and other people’s) lives would have been better had they been open about their sexuality.
I don’t know where you live, but there is no country with a 0% chance of being assaulted/discriminated against for being LGBT+.
So your assumption that things would have been better is a misguided nostalgia at best, fallaciously wrong at worst.
I’m aware of all of this, and have not discounted it. I’ve been harmed by the expectation of neurotypical behavior, regardless of whether I mask. I’ve been harmed by het expectations, regardless of masking. I pick and choose who I’m open with about these things within my personal life, but I don’t hide it. You’re making an assumption as well, that masking will prevent harm. There’s a reason why I specifically said that it will lead to anguish, and that’s because it’s not a shelter. It creates a mental prison that will lead to a feeling of isolation.
Masking will prevent harm that directly coincides with who you are. It creates a defensive layer.
The het expectations are nowhere near as bad as the risk of harm, physical or emotional, and you can’t convince me otherwise when there are over 70 countries where my (and assumedly your) existence results in the death penalty…
As for the mental prison argument, that’s just life… You can’t live life with the expectations that things will go your way, and actively harm yourself with negative outlooks.
As someone who essentially does the same thing you mentioned about being open to select individuals in my circle, your view is kind of astounding.
I do mask, and so do many people, who are probably happier for it.
I would live in a prison of anguish if I was openly gay and every stare at work or in public could mean judgement or something derogatory.
What’s masking it though. I mean most people don’t talk about their sexuality.
I’m ace, and have hidden it from partners. Needless to say it’s destroyed relationships.
Look no further: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-f3sNylbUI
How would anyone know your sexual orientation if you dont specifically do things to show it?
Like, dont grab another mans/womans ass in public, dont talk about nice dicks/boobs you saw in a magazine. Dont act like what people generally associate with the other sex (this one might be difficult if your interests lie in those fields). I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
What a pedestrian view of your own culture. Sad.
Not sure what you mean. There are definitely homosexuals that show it openly and get into a kind of ‘role’, actively acting out the cliches, no need to deny that. I know many gay men and for most you wouldnt notice if you didnt know them, but some are very extravagant and thats their thing.
As a cus straight guy myself I’m not sure fully understand the question but here goes my best interpretation,
I do not recommend this but the only thing I could think of is not displaying any affection to your parter, but if someone said I couldn’t hold my girlfriend’s Hand in public id be pretty pissed. So just be yourself OP
In my experience I’ve never noticed and even if i did I don’t care, they’re just doing their thing. The only time I’ve noticed some ‘act gay’ is that Hollywood over the top stereotype flamboyant kind, and whenever I see those people I wish I had that energy, just living you absolute best life
Kinda got a little off track there but my point is unless your in physical danger (I hope your not) just be yourself and what you think is right
I worked with two gay men that weren’t “always” gay.
When I first met them I knew they were different. I didn’t care, treated them the same as everyone else.
when one of them “came out” to me, I told him I realized that from the first day I met him. when he asked me how I knew I told him something like this:
there is nothing in this world that can’t be perceived with your own eyes and experience. I knew you were different not because of your orientation but because of your personality. it’s not about what you are, but who you are.
I have an insane OP perception stat and can roll nat 20s all day. that said, 80% of the people you interact with won’t know because they just can’t perceive past a lie, and it is a lie.
best way to sell a lie is to sell it to yourself first, because it changes your personality, it changes you.
don’t lose yourself in it though. stay safe out there, wish I could help more.
I can’t really help on the question because I stick out myself for different reasons, but what about hanging with people you don’t have to blend into anything? My neighbours are very obviously gay, and me and my dogs love them both because they are really nice people.
What tv shows/movies with gay and straight people. Don’t do what you see the gay people do. For a lot of people, especially the gay haters, their only experience of gay people is from tv and movies.
Of course anything too gay friendly they won’t have watched. So skip will and grace. Go for things where the gay person is minor comic relief. That is the kind of stuff the haters would have put up with. And I assume there must be some shows or movies that demonize gay people. Those would be research material. I just don’t know of any. Maybe listen to that black comedian who was anti LGBTQ+. I am sure he was spouting all the sterotypes that haters would recognize.Terribly fitting clothes, terrible outfits, caribiner for your keys, “the wife”
I guess don’t dye your hair an unnatural shade
That is no longer a thing, for what I can tell.
I’m seeing everyone and their grandma dyeing their hair all shades of neon colours nowadays.
Only thing I can think of is how high the maintenance for those colours is.
