Subjective answer but if I were in your situation: me and King going alone? No. If I don’t like the person, then I don’t like the person, I’m sorry. Social gatherings are fine and I’d do my best. But going somewhere for hours with a person I don’t like sounds like a nightmare.

There are a lot of favors I’d do for my kids but there’s a limit and for me as an introvert this is the limit

No. Abandon your child when they make mistakes. Do not show them compassion by supporting them especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Put your needs and wants over that of your child /S

Jesus fucking Christ dude. Love your child. You’re more lost than he is; and he’s the one dating a dude more than twice his f*ing age.

I really don’t understand people in the comments here. I agree it’s his son’s decision to date whoever they want. However it’s also dad’s right to not push feelings down his throat and spend time with people he does not like.

Why not say “hey son, I respect your romantic choices, but I am not ready to spend time with King yet. i will let you know when this changes”?

I mean, it’s weird, but they’re both adults. And if you don’t make an effort, it’s definitely going to affect your relationship with your son.

Short version:

Do you want to have a relationship with your son? If so, you try.

King clearly matters to your son, so if you care about your son you should try to put your own shit aside.

This isn’t your son trying to ruin your day, and that text message makes it abundantly clear this isn’t just some casual request, or even the first time he’s asked you to try and give King a chance. If you can’t see that this is important to your son, you have a ton of self relfection to do.

Longer:

Is the age difference really your only reason to dislike him?

Disclosure: My wife is around 15 years older than me. We’ve been married a few years short of a decade.

I won’t pretend the age gap between your son and his boyfriend isn’t concerning (or even that the one between my wife and I isn’t). It is.

They are both coming from entirely different place in life. They both have vastly different life experiences. King having more life experience and likely already being well established creates a power imbalance that could be dangerous or used in an abusive manner towards your son.

All of that said, do you have any reason to believe any of that is actually occurring?

If not, then treat it for what it is: a normal relationship with some weird attached. Not a big deal. Every relationship will have its quirks, your son’s just so happens to be a publicly visible one.

At this point, your kid’s an adult. You can talk to them about your concerns regarding the relationship (once), but beyond that, you need to let them make their own decisions. Whether you think they take it seriously or not, whether they reach the same conclusions or not, it is their own decision to make. Their own mistakes to make.

Your son has already made it clear that he doesn’t need your approval to have this relationship. At this point the only thing your grumbling/grumpiness will do is drive a wedge between the two of you.

Another disclosure: My personal story of “that one big bad crazy ex” includes my parents and numerous other people trying to warn me. I didn’t listen. I still lived with my parents at the time, and what their constant grumbling etc did was drive a massive chasm between us. I moved across the country to get away from them, effectively crashed on a couch, and almost ended up trapped with the crazy when shit hit the fan. There was literally nothing they could have done or said that would have made me see things their way. I had to reach my terrible conclusions myself.

The important thing is that you be there for your son in a way that doesnct drive him away. But for his amd your sake, really deeply reflect on what your issues with his boyfriend are.

Dangerous is dangerous. Shitty personality is shitty personality. Age gap on it’s own is just weird as shit, but weird isn’t inherently dangerous.

I’m not sure if this is going to be an unpopular take or not, but at this point in your son’s life, it’s not your job to judge him or the people in his life.

Your son may be making a mistake, but now you’re just supposed to be there to help if that turns out to be true.

You had 18 years to raise him. Now you have to trust the job you did.

Hang out with King, get to know them. Make sure your son knows you’re there no matter what.

I think the age gap is all the more reason to go. Large age gaps aren’t automatically exploitative but they can more easily become abusive due to differences in power and life experience.

I would keep an open mind but also watch for signs of abusive or controlling behavior. If this does happen, it will be better to be present to support your son if he needs help than to have the moral purity of not having been involved at all.

Did your son ever play a sport or an instrument? When he went up to the plate at bat, or stand up to play a solo, did he make a mistake? Did you rush out onto the field or stage or whatever to fix that mistake? Did you disown him or berate him or make him feel stupid?

You’ve already told him that you don’t approve of him dating an older guy, and presumably you’ve spent the last 21 years teaching him how to be an adult and make good decisions. If you want to protect your son, be there for him. Get to know his boyfriend, and make sure they both know you’re watching out for your kid.

Dating an older guy might be a mistake. Your son might get hurt, or feel used, or feel unworthy of love. All of those can happen whether you avoid his boyfriend or not, but all of them will be easier to survive if he knows he has a dad in his corner.

As someone in a 16 year age gap relationship, at least trying to get along with him would be good. I don’t know if it’ll last for your son, but it really hurt my relationship with my mother for ages because of how she treats my husband.

It’s up to you to decide what matters the most for you:

• The age gap which seems to be bothering you is kind of a moral dilemma (legally, they’re both allowed to do what they want), am I right? So, does your principles matter more than having an opportunity to spend some time with your son and maybe get to know his boyfriend a little more than by its age? If that can help you, it’s not that rare. Here in France, our very own President (Emmanuel Macron) is some 30 years younger than his spouse (something like that, I have not checked).
• Have you privately discussed what bothers you with your son? What was is opinion on the question? Do you think his judgment was blinded in anyway, or is it just you that feel not at ease with a 20+ years age gap?
• Can you be OK with not liking someone (that has done nothing wrong) but still be sincerely welcoming to them knowing it will make your son happy?
• Do you want to stay a relevant part of you son’s future live? I mean, your son is now an adult and will move on to build his own live with his own family, with or without you being part of it and that’s up to you. It could be with that older dude or with someone else (maybe even older, or younger? it’s up to them) at 21 it’s hard to say. But he will live the live he wants, and that will include many mistakes, whether you want him or not. We all have done mistakes, some more often and some more serious than others but well have done some, I’m willing to bet you did some to right?
• Is that King dude an asshole of some sort or is it just you you not liking him being older?
• If you’re sure he is doing some huge mistake, do you want to still be there for him when things will turn bad? No need to lie to your son and pretend you’re happy if you’re not (talk to him, openly but not in a judgmental way it’s all that should matter. Just share your opinion/worries and let him understand that no matter what you’re OK with whatever he decides to do).

BTW, there is no right or wrong answer here (I know what I would wish to answer, but that’s just me). It is the kind of questions I would ask myself if I was facing similar doubts as you are. Hope this helps.

Go. Try to be like water - neutral, neither invested nor disinvestes. Fish, chat, be pleasant, and let the time flow over you. In a short while it won’t matter to you anymore, but it’ll matter to your son.

The more involved you are with your kid’s life, the more you’ll be around to help if shit goes south with King. It’s a really good sign that your kid wants you involved in all aspects of their life. Be a place of respite and safety for your son. Otherwise they’re going to look for that elsewhere and where they find that it won’t necessarily have the best interest of your son at heart.

I found this interesting article. I think I’d feel the same as you do, but I would try to get to know his boyfriend. It’s not approval, you’ve already made that point, but it’s acceptance of your son as a person you trust to make his own decisions (even if you still have doubts about that!).

You can’t change the situation by staying away or “protesting”, you will only be undermining your relationship with your son. And that’s too valuable to lose just to make a point.

I would go. The age gap makes me uncomfortable and it would probably be an awkward time for me, but I wouldn’t want to shut my son out or lose our relationship over it.

Do you have other reasons to not like King, or is it just his age?

A persons age tells you very little about their character; it’s often little more than a number.

I’d say give him a chance. Make an effort to get to know him and see what him and your son have in common. You may just find yourself liking King.