If you have a passion for something and the means in which to pursue it, I would go for it.

Think about how you will feel in the future if you didn’t pursue it and left yourself with questions of what could have been.

How do i motivate myself to motivate myself ?
Humans are naturally automotivating and any stranger’s advice on the internet may not fit the way you do it.

I’ve always taken life as it came, never had a goal like being a (professional?) pianist. I’m not entirely sure what that means in this day, either.

Even if you stick with regular work, make sure you keep a list of everything you could theoretically call yourself proficient at doing. These skills can often be rallied into promotions and career changes later on, if you need to move or advance.

I’ve sold a lot of pianos from my time in estate liquidation and I do know that the inconvenience of moving them means that used pianos are often sold for essentially nothing. There just isn’t an active market for anything but the absolute best instruments. If you need an inexpensive piano, they’re out there. The best strategy is to have a piano mover on your phone. If you show up to someone’s house and tell them you can have it out on Tuesday, they’re often going to be happy to see it go.

I believe that if you faced the judgment and self-hatred, the rest might fall into place. I have two general strategies to suggest, which you could use together.

1. Practise looking at the thoughts like “I’m lazy” and “I hate myself of for being so lazy” and seeing them for the empty things they are. They’re just thoughts. They’re not even yours. They mean nothing. They consist of nothing.
2. Look into the reasons for judging yourself lazy and hating yourself for it. Is there a voice you hear in your head saying these things? Whose voice is it? (Is it a person from your past or a part of yourself you can identify?) Maybe you’re reacting to something you were told or taught very young, which was helpful at the time, but not helpful any more.

Your body wants to conserve energy or it’s afraid of overinvesting energy in practising the piano. If you saw that more clearly, you might more easily identify what to do next.

I stopped studying piano when I realized that I wasn’t prepared to put in the practice needed to develop the raw finger strength and dexterity to play even medium difficulty Bach fugues. I saw what it took and the effort didn’t interest me enough to stick with it. I have invested that practice energy into something else instead and I feel much happier for it. I have a facility for music, but I’m just not that into it as a technician. I have enough to appreciate virtuosity in others and that’s enough for me. Maybe you can find something similar.

Peace.

What exactly are you trying to acheive by studying an instrument? Why did you choose to learn beyond hobby level?

Your approach sounds like you see it akin to training in a skill for a job. Spend the time and money on it and at the end you can play as well as 95% of people. But then you got bored/lost direction as you didn’t go so far as to do this as a new career so there was no end goal. Looking at the kind of money you think you need to spend, that sounds like professional level stuff (hint, a 40k piano will not improve your ability! But must be nice to play!)

It is hard, and not for everyone, to practice so much. I really enjoy playing the piano, but can never find the time or energy or drive to spend the time to learn to even a half decent level. Lessons would help me, but I’ve never found myself in a place to go for it. Which I accept. I’ll never play any Franz Liszt!

I don’t get the impression music is enough of a passion for you to get a lot out of ‘studying’ as you said you dont want to work part time to do so. So my advice would be to keep practicing and push yourself to learn new music as much as you enjoy it and maybe have some lessons to keep you on track . Maybe studying will suit you later in life, but not at this time.

You also don’t sound lazy btw! Like i said, it is hard work, especially alongside a job, but doesn’t quite sound like it’s rewarding enough for you.

I’m sorry that you are having trouble enjoying a peaceful life away from strife insulated in a community.

That said music without electricity is a great way to spend a life.

And one great thing the punk rock ethos brought forth to class consciousness is that one shouldn’t, imperatively, let being shit at an instrument slow you down from enjoying playing and performing.

These days that you have now will not last long.

And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

It’s not a rut to choose a reliable well paid union job over the slim chance of success in a niche art field. That’s common sense. That’s the dream, for many folks.

You’re allowed to feel good about choosing stability and comfort over a high risk plan. You’re also allowed to feel angry that circumstances aren’t letting you follow your dreams more fully. Those are both reasonable feelings.

I feel both of those ways, most days. If things were a little different, I could be living a very different life. Whatever. I choose to meditate on thankfulness for where I am.

I wouldn’t throw away a solid balanced union job life to pursue a career that isn’t going to leave me much time for anything else in life. I explicitly chose not to.

And yeah, I’ve had to make peace with not doing some of the things I would have done in that life. I’ve also done a brunch of things I couldn’t have done it I had pursued that life.

As Dave Ramsey says, “pull that boat closer to the dock before you step off, or you’re going to get dunked in the water”.

By which he means, you can pursue both, and let the better career win. Right now, playing the piano is losing. That’s not a huge shock in the age of digital recordings and abusive record company monopolies.

You can get great at piano in your free time. I know many people who have done so.

I am someone does do their passion as a day job - it made my passion substantially less fun. And I’m still not doing my passion exactly the way my heart wants to, because I have no remaining energy for that after I finish my day job. At the end of the day, any job is still just a job.

Hang in there. If you feel like you’re not playing piano enough, by all means, play more.

But please don’t fall for the trap of believing your passion has to become your day job.

We all need some way to make a living, and we should all pursue our passions. And on the best days we do both on as close to our own terms as possible.

I hope you dont let guilt (or even me!) tell you how often to play your piano, or who for.

Could be low-level depression. Maybe see about chatting with a therapist.

Heads-up that you might need to talk to more than one to find the right fit. I’m on my third therapist (it’s been many years and two retired) but I’ve spoken with twice as many because some weren’t a good fit and I went elsewhere.

Edit: Good luck!

Berklee college of music offers online courses. They’re trimesters. Go and take one piano class on top of your full time job. You can handle it.

Learn to make piano playing a part of your routine. Learn what you love about piano. Is it making the sound? Hearing it? Transposing your favorite songs into piano pieces.

Get your feet wet. You bought a grand. That’s commitment. Now just learn to spend a little time with it. A part time online class will be a good first step.

There are other online institutions, as well.