I like to stand around somebody until they give me attention then I just Gangnam style on em. It drives people soooo mad.

This one is a true story:

I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.

I said, “You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass…assin of yourself.”

Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven’t come back from rolling into the back of her head

I’m still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly

How do you get down off of an elephant?

YOU DON’T! You get down off of a duck!

I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.

Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.

The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.

The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.

The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.

A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It’s still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for “The aristocrats” style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D

I see. It’s all coming back to me now… Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.

“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now’s the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don’t have any fingerprints.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

• What’s brown and sticky?
• A stick

An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.

Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you’re telling the joke to start saying “knock knock”, then you you say, “who’s there?”.

Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅

Whenever someone says “oh my god” i say “you may call me [insert name here]”

I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.

He said he can’t complain.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?” The pirate answers: “Yarr, it be driving me nuts!”