I have a long-time friend that I think is insecure, and the insecurity is destroying the friendship. Objectively, he is in a life situation that is much better than mine, so it’s extra confusing. Here are the things I have tried that seem to have made things worse:

  • Giving him complements often
  • Letting him choose what topics to discuss
  • Initiating conversations about him
  • Not speaking well of myself and avoiding mention or discussion of any of my accomplishments, no matter how meaningless (e.g. I had fun at an event today, I made a delicious lunch, I mowed the yard, etc.)
  • Pointing out my disadvantages, flaws, and failures
  • Validating his opinions and stances on debatable topics while restraining my critiques

Despite these accommodations, rather than helping improve the situation, I feel like they are being taken as opportunities to devalue me to address his insecurity. I had no problem taking a hit for a while, but this has been getting worse for at least a year and has gotten to the point that I have to choose to either stop tolerating it or let it affect my dignity. I’m barely allowed to exist anymore. Talking about it directly wont work because he has denied it and even called me “too sensitive” when I pointed out changes in his behavior towards me.

Anyone been in a similar situation? What was going on? What helped? What made things worse?

  • Lag@lemmy.world
    0·
    2 months ago

    People appreciate accommodations but people also appreciate honesty and individualism which is more valuable to their every day issues.

  • 🧟‍♂️ Cadaver@lemmy.world
    0·
    2 months ago

    My honest opinion : there’s no red flag, don’t listen to the otger dinwit.

    Stop devaluating yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments, no matter hoe small. Stop complaining. Start valuating yourself and others. Stop pointing out your foaws, value your qualities.

    Nobody has fun with someone who constantly tries to play the victim and the whiNy baby. Be proud, be fierce.

  • Vanth@reddthat.comEnglish
    0·
    2 months ago

    they are being taken as opportunities to devalue me to address his insecurity. I had no problem taking a hit for a while, but this has been getting worse for at least a year and has gotten to the point that I have to choose to either stop tolerating it or let it affect my dignity. I’m barely allowed to exist anymore.

    This guy sounds like a crap friend. Seriously, relationships are supposed to add to your life. There are times one person has to give a bit more than the other, but going on a year and the guy can’t even handle you having a good day? That’s not a friendship.

  • unn@lemmy.ca
    0·
    2 months ago

    You’re stupid? You’re trying too hard. Just be straightforward with this guys, and if he doesn’t reciprocate, treat him just the same he does to you or cut him off

    • I'm back on my BS 🤪@lemmy.autism.placeOPEnglish
      0·
      2 months ago

      You’re stupid?

      I guess you could say that I tend to have more difficulty understanding and navigating social environments than most people. However, I can’t change my capacity, only make steps to learn and improve. Still, I don’t think calling someone stupid is helpful.

      • unn@lemmy.ca
        0·
        2 months ago

        I had no idea sorry

        From now on I’ll reserve the stupid keyword to normies

  • Iceblade@lemmy.world
    0·
    2 months ago

    This depends so much on the source of the insecurity. However, we have to adress one thing first - you shouldn’t have to feel bad being around a friend. If doing these things bothers you, then don’t, for your sake and theirs. Feeling bad around your friend will (as you yourself said) end your friendship over time. There has to be space for two in a relation.

    For me at least, honesty is key in a real friendship. It is the most basic aspect of respect, and if something is bothering you, say so. No need to be accusatory (i.e you do this or that) and instead frame it from your own perspective, dropping it in natural conversation (“It really makes my day when…”, “It really bothers me when…”). Someone who values you will pick up on these things.

  • Churbleyimyam@lemm.ee
    0·
    2 months ago

    I have a friendship with someone which is often like what you’ve described and I get similar results with him. I sometimes find that by being more formal and not ‘indulging’ him so much for a while, it resets things. Not totally sure why but it could be that he needs boundaries as a frame of reference to emotional stability and reality.

  • protist@mander.xyzEnglish
    0·
    2 months ago

    You say all the things you’re doing to accommodate him, but you don’t say anything about why you’re doing those things. Then you say he’s devaluing you and calling you “too sensitive”…why are you even still talking to this guy? What benefit does he add to your life? What you say you’re doing is reminiscent of how someone acts in an abusive relationship

    I’d recommend being your authentic self 24/7 around him. If he can’t handle that, that’s on him and is not for you to fix