I have a long-time friend that I think is insecure, and the insecurity is destroying the friendship. Objectively, he is in a life situation that is much better than mine, so it’s extra confusing. Here are the things I have tried that seem to have made things worse:
- Giving him complements often
- Letting him choose what topics to discuss
- Initiating conversations about him
- Not speaking well of myself and avoiding mention or discussion of any of my accomplishments, no matter how meaningless (e.g. I had fun at an event today, I made a delicious lunch, I mowed the yard, etc.)
- Pointing out my disadvantages, flaws, and failures
- Validating his opinions and stances on debatable topics while restraining my critiques
Despite these accommodations, rather than helping improve the situation, I feel like they are being taken as opportunities to devalue me to address his insecurity. I had no problem taking a hit for a while, but this has been getting worse for at least a year and has gotten to the point that I have to choose to either stop tolerating it or let it affect my dignity. I’m barely allowed to exist anymore. Talking about it directly wont work because he has denied it and even called me “too sensitive” when I pointed out changes in his behavior towards me.
Anyone been in a similar situation? What was going on? What helped? What made things worse?
This depends so much on the source of the insecurity. However, we have to adress one thing first - you shouldn’t have to feel bad being around a friend. If doing these things bothers you, then don’t, for your sake and theirs. Feeling bad around your friend will (as you yourself said) end your friendship over time. There has to be space for two in a relation.
For me at least, honesty is key in a real friendship. It is the most basic aspect of respect, and if something is bothering you, say so. No need to be accusatory (i.e you do this or that) and instead frame it from your own perspective, dropping it in natural conversation (“It really makes my day when…”, “It really bothers me when…”). Someone who values you will pick up on these things.