• LadyMeow@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    24 days ago

    Uuuugggghhhh. Yesss. I managed to not infer into an argument with coworker once who was like ‘I just don’t get trans people’ after some prodding they couldn’t understand feeling like another gender.

    Damn right! You’re blissfully cis! I have to live with the reality that everything is wrong and it’s not like things are objectively wrong, other than my gender. What a difficult feeling to wrestle with

  • Omega (she/her 🏳️‍⚧️)@piefed.blahaj.zone
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    24 days ago

    I had a mixture of both. I couldn’t express that it was an issue with gender, but I remember being very young, like 6 year old and telling my mother that I didn’t feel like I was the right body, that I didn’t feel right in my skin. And at multiple points in my adolescence it crept back up on me, but I wasn’t in the right family nor environment so everytime, it got pushed back down. Like, I was thirteen and I was daydreaming about “what if I wake up one day and I’m a girl?” and I think everyone has that at some point, it’s normal. Except that I was thinking about it constantly. Pushed it back down further.

    Eventually, I pushed it back down so low that I couldn’t hear it anymore… until in my mid twenties when it crawled out of the hole I had dug out for it and… oh boy girl, that wasn’t fun. I basically had like 10 years of gender dysphoria coming back to strangle me all over the course of one week of non stop anxiety attack and crisis of identity not understand what the fuck was wrong with me. I changed my name, that felt right. I told my then girlfriend and she talked about it with her friends and said that I was transitioning, she outed me without my permission (she didn’t know that it wasn’t ok, she’s great about these things now) and I panicked quite intensely when she told me this by message, because “What the fuck? That’s not at all what I said, I didn’t say I was a girl, I just said I changed name!”

    …had another extremely intense panic attack after learning this and my girlself was like lending me her hand, telling me “come on, you can do this” the shell of my egg was crumbling, it couldn’t contain me anymore but it felt like it was burrying me alive. I was slowly realizing that my then partner had actually gotten it right, I just didn’t know. I had to climb out of it to breathe again, and when I did, I did so as the girl I’ve always been. One week later, I had made the announcement public and I’ve never ever went back to the boy I tried to be.

    Also, I had a 2/3 year long femboy phase where I kept saying “I hope I’m not trans”, because being trans is scary… which is a level of egg coping that I’ve yet to witness elsewhere. Hey, little Omega, being trans is scary, you’re right. But it’s also the best thing you’ll ever do in your life. It’s been a hard journey and you’re still struggling, but I’m proud of you. I hope you’re proud of me as well.

    • TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOP
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      24 days ago

      My experience was even more frustrating. For my entire childhood and adolescence, I didn’t have a clue that I wanted to be a girl. I didn’t even consider it to be an option for a long time, nor did I ever think that could not need to live as a boy. There were signs, like feeling uncomfortable having a bare chest, hating men’s changing rooms, getting jealous of my friends who got to crossdress, but I never thought that being feminine could be for me. Other people got to gender bend or be girls, but not an ugly boy like me. I needed to be a cool boy because I didn’t have any choice. I could only play games as male characters because that’s who I was.

      It wasn’t until college that I met a trans feminine person and started hanging out in trans spaces online. It low-key fucked me up that I didn’t ever wish to be a girl as a kid. These trans women felt so much like me, but I could only remember hating masculinity, not wanting femininity. Never getting a chance to try it in any way was what hurt me the most. I would never have tried it unless it was encouraged and seen as a normal thing, but because I was never seen as a target for femininity by other people, I never stood a chance.

      It took me like 3 years to even try dressing remotely feminine, and it was not something I initially wanted to do that much. Needless to say, I felt like an actual person around others for the first time in my entire life.

  • Broadfern@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    Stop no it hurts

    Sprinkling in the compulsory heterosexuality that gets shoved at you ever harder around age 10-12 was its own special hell

    And actual panic attacks at having to get gendered clothing items related to adolescence

    Still get PTSD flashbacks sometimes.

  • Mossy Feathers (She/Her)@pawb.social
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    24 days ago

    After I gained awareness, it took me another 10 yrs to start hrt due to a mix of factors. Don’t be like me. Don’t put it off, it does more psychic damage to yourself than you’d think.

  • Delilah (She/Her)@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    24 days ago

    I was 20 whole ass years old before it conceptually clicked for me that gender and sex are independent. Like yeah, I heard they were different things, but actually understanding the difference was something else entirely. And if being rudely awakened to the concept of “sexual dimorphism” was biting into the sour fruit of awareness, awakening to the fragility of that divide and the flexibility of the wider world was like biting into the ambrosia of “shit gets better”