I try to be kind, upbeat, etc in my interactions with other people, especially at work. I want to treat others well, work together peacefully, and leave the project happy. I’ve noticed that some people (particularly more curmudgeonly folks) seem to read that attitude as naïveté, and feel like they can walk all over me or treat me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Why is that?
It makes people feel better and more in control of themselves to think that their compassion fatigue is maturity instead of an injury that has been inflicted on them. I’ve spent a LOT of time working in inpatient psychiatry for a decade now wondering why people keep hurting each other. Why patients lash out at staff members, why staff members lash out at patients and why either does the same to their peers. This is just one of many common manifestations.
There’s also the stupid belief that being mean = intelligent, which kinda overlaps with this. I somewhat blame House MD for that; that show was popular around the time when the idea got normalized in media, and now it just keeps going and is repeated in multiple ways in movies, series… etc. Rick and Morty is another great example of what that type of portrayal can cause, it’s done terrible damage in making it’s target audience associate meanness and assholery with being intelligent.
You can be both kind and intelligent, these qualities are not linked in real life, just like being naïve and kind are not. This means that being mean doesn’t make anyone look any smarter; it just makes you look like a mean asshole. This also seems to escape a lot of people and worsen the hateful shit both irl and online
Its such a trope in movies and TV shows though. I call it the Khan trope. The narrative makes a huge deal about how unfathomably intelligent a villain is, and then when the villain is finally revealed they’re like comically evil with the most superficial and pathetic philosophy. I think its just hard for dumb TV writers (no offense) to write intelligent villains.
To me a much better villain is someone who cares a great deal about something real, and is actually very intelligent and determined, but is just deeply confused about something. People like Tulsi Gabbard or Amy Coney Barret are good examples, they were raised in these weird cults and now they have no understanding of anything outside their narrow view, and have been conditioned to reject anything that contradicts their social beliefs. A lot of people think they are doing good, the people whom they love tell them all the time how proud they are, etc. But because of their intelligence and determination they just are all twisted up in knots inside a house of mirrors that they were forced into before they had the chance to question any of it.
And yeah these people may not be super intelligent, just opportunistic and smart/determined enough and groomed to take power. But it resembles actual intelligence more than “only the strong deserve to survive heh heh heh twirls moustache villainously” that we usually get from this slop.
Because many people mistake selfishness for strength and intelligence.
However, not matter how wrong they are and how deep in denial they go, at the end of the day mean selfish people are bad people and kind people are good ones.And these bad people look very stupid when they think they can get away with their bad behavior and the kind not naïve person, just say no and don’t back down.
I mean the reason you have to ask is kind of… why
We’re in mostly a capitalistic world. Capitalism makes utilitarianism seem easy since it becomes easy to assign a “value” to everything. That kind of thinking quickly gets you to naive cynicism. We’re conditioned to think certain things are more valuable than others - mental wellbeing and community have been steadily devalued.
There’s a saying “behind every cynic there’s a disappointed idealist”. We’re in a world where a lot of people grew up in a time of amazing technological advancement, but have been bitterly disappointed by how the world is today. These people are now getting to that age where they may have been working the same job for a while (if they got lucky with job security) and they just want to get the job done and not exert any more effort than necessary (since by their experience, it doesn’t “pay off”).
Let them be them, you do your thing. They don’t owe you any kind of behavior really, though it would be expected and polite of them to keep things at professional level of course. You don’t owe them either so you don’t have to let them bring you down. Don’t take it personally though because it really, really isn’t.
Obvs just my view. If you really want to know, you can try to just ask what they value and if you can work in a way that aligns with that while not disregarding your own values.
People sometimes have difficulty walking the line between being nice and being a doormat and let people take advantage of their kindness. This bitters some people and they start to see their own kindness as a weakness.
When this happens they tend to think people who are kind just haven’t had that bad experience yet and that they’re naive about the way the world “really works”.It’s funny, but I feel like I strive to be kind because I’m aware of how the world really works. Like, I’ve been let down by reality and know the world can be a nightmare already, so why would I want to pile even more on someone and make their life harder, you know?
“Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you’ve got a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
You sound very sweet, OP. Never change. A lot of people are just miserable themselves and want company being miserable.
Oh, sweet summer child
/s
I think there might be a kind of tragedy of the commons thinking there, as in “Somebody is going to take advantage of this naive person, it may as well be me.”
That’s just some Murican bullshit, it’s what happens to people raised by reality tv
It’s harder to do the right thing, it’s tough to be truly kind.
Follow your heart and try to make a better world around you
People being dicks to each other is hardly an American phenomenon.
not what I said, but nice attempt at deflection
You seem to be a nice person. Don’t give up. I hope you find your people and I’d be happy to have positive people like you around me. Do you read about Buddhism and metta at all? When the whole world can show love and respect to themselves and others it will be a better place, and you seem to be there already.
Thank you 😊
I actually was very into Buddhism a few years ago. I had a better meditation practice then, and I did a lot of reading, some on metta, but moreso insight. I don’t think I’d consider myself a Buddhist, but they have a lot of good ideas!
People think you are either (a) nice and let people walk all over you, or (b) you have to be evil to be strong. But the truth is you can be in between, you can be both nice and retaliatory in case others are evil to you first.
Its actually the best game-theory strategy, called “Tit-for-Tat”, you be nice to others, but don’t be afraid to retaliate when they start being evil. Because if you don’t retaliate, they will take advantage of you.
But the truth is you can be in between
I think the term for this is assertive. At least that’s how I’ve been defining it. You can be compassionate while also setting boundaries to prevent people from walking all over you.
The best example from my life I can recall is when I was managing the weekend shift for a help desk and one of the techs got a call from a lady who had had a TBI and could not regulate her emotions. She needed some information that was not in our wheelhouse and when this kid told her shed have to call the other department on Monday she went off on him. I took over the call and was eventually able to talk her down and get her to understand that we could not help her and we were not just refusing to by going back and forth with her and keeping my voice even and setting boundaries when she started to get pissed. She was happy with the resolution I came up with by the end of the call. It took like an hour and I felt like I was breaking a horse to get therethough.
actual real humans in reality also have this amazing ability to “talk” to each other, allowing them to communicate and say things like “hey you’re being a dick, stop being a dick and we can help each other instead, if you don’t stop then me and everyone i know will throw you into the ocean”
With a slight addendum, tit for tat is best, while also allowing for an appropriate amount of forgiveness in case of mistakes
Also this short game showcases the concept well https://ncase.me/trust/
Because the world is ruled by sociopaths.
I’d say it’s seen more as a sign of insecurity and some people thrive on that. You need to set boundaries or they’ll keep trying things.
you will be seen as too trusting and people take advantage of it, and it can be your downfall. i know some people that are pushovers like that, can barely afford bills at this point.
There are many things at play in situations such as you describe. One of which is often a form of jealousy “I don’t feel happy, so you shouldn’t either”. People often don’t even realize they do this, sub conscious.
They probably don’t intend to be negative, just haven’t found a way to better be.
Likely because they were once upbeat and positive people too and it didn’t get them what they want so they have changed their ways to be less positive.
So anybody who is still positive, in their experience, hasn’t learned yet that that isn’t going to get them what they want.
It might be a defense mechanism. They were taken advantage of when they were more open and positive.
It might just be bad learned behavior. The people who have what they want aren’t very positive to them.
It is also not easy to stay positive so a lot of people choose not to. Sometimes we like to make excuses for why people are able to do the harder things that we’re not doing. “Oh I would volunteer too if I had as much time as them.”. “Oh I am just not naive enough to be that positive”
I was gonna say something similar, it’s not so much about being nice, it’s about being happy.
Assholes like to rationalise their assholery by painting their victims as weak and somehow deserving it. You can very much see that in present day politics but you’ll also meet people like that in real life.
Classic wolf vs sheep paranoid reality of toxic individualism.
These people cannot fathom humanity being bigger than “strong kill weak” or “predator / prey / competitor” classifications.
Many men hold this worldview as their reality as the bro culture and toxic masculinity plays right into it.
I’d bet that there is a lot of overlap between “people who are kind” and “people who are easily taken advantage of”.
But the converse is true as well, for example the political situation in the UK with Brexit and USA with Republicans showed, that there is also a big overlap between “people who are assholes” and “people who are easily taken advantage of”.
So I think it’s rather humans are easily taken advantage of, if you know how.
And also thus them being stupid.
