This definitely happened to me a LOT when I was growing up. Oddly enough, right around the time of puberty. Which, now that I think about, explains a lot. Mine was usually right after dreams about being small. I ended up over 6 feet tall by middle school, so that’s either an expression of dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or both. I’m going with both.

You might still be able to use something like Planned Parenthood to get coverage outside of your parents’ insurance. That said, this is going to be a recurring issue that you’ll have to address at some point. Your primary care physician needs to know you’re taking HRT because your blood tests will be… surprising if they don’t. I don’t know that to tell you about being in Texas. That’s a tough one, and I had a conversation with my own management recently about never going to that state for any reason, even if it meant losing my job. I don’t mean to scare you, but you should consider a move if you can figure it out. The GDB isn’t so long a read, it’s just really well organized. I devoured it in a day, not including the references. Those were saved for a later review. There’s a ton more info out there if you need it! Everywhere from Lemmy communities, to Reddit subs, to several private websites tracking resources. I found this one particularly useful, even if some of it can be a little out of date: Transgender Map. I had lots of the same questions that you do now, though my situation is different since I’m “over the hill” in my 40s, but you could take a look at the replies to a post I made over a month ago askig similar questions: Advice on finding doctors Hang in there! There’s always an option. You just have to decide which is right for you.

Go read the entire Gender Dysphoria Bible to start. You may be able to start HRT sooner than you think, depending on where you are. There are programs that may help, or specialized clinics that offer cheaper care. A therapist, if you can afford it, is highly recommended!

If you can’t or don’t want to medically transition, that’s totally valid, too! You could socially transition. Choosing a new name can be super difficult (ask me how I know) and voice training is likewise difficult and a slow process, and neither of these require anything but you and your mind. Clothing helps with dysphoria, as well as makeup/hair/nails/jewelry or even just social groups and hobbies. Thrift stores are likely to have cheap options for beginners.

The other thing I would suggest is figuring out your support group. You do NOT have to do this alone. Whether it’s online communities like this one (<3 Blåhaj!) or real world friend groups or support groups, go find peers or allies.

Welcome to the sisterhood! I hope you find yourself soon :)

I just want to say thank you for making this post. It felt pretty good to get my own feelings out in the open and validated by someone. Although painful, it’s also good to hear from others with similar experiences. None of us has to deal with this alone!

Are you me? I see quite a lot of parallels here. I am sorry you dealt with this, too. I haven’t started electrolysis yet (soon, hopefully) and a friend made a comment about my five o’clock shadow today. I was visibly upset to the point that my spouse was squeezing my hand. It wasn’t his fault since he doesn’t know yet, but it still stings.

I had a double whammy of “phantom pain” and it’s opposite of somehow also having parts that shouldn’t be there. It feels like the vagina that I should have been born with is aching to just be there and that the parts I do have are always just somehow in the way. They feel foreign, like a transplant that’s being rejected. The awful part is that the latter started when I was a very young child. I kept trying to “move it out of the way” and was always getting yelled at.

It took almost 30 years for me to fully grasp why these feelings were happening, and then I spent the next 10+ in an internal battle over whether to just give up on life or to keep going to keep my spouse happy. This essentially manifested as a kind of depression where I was withdrawn from everything that was happening around me. I just went through the daily motions with occasional small glimmers of the outside world, usually when something really good happened with my spouse around.

After starting GAHT, they straight up said to me “I’m glad to have you back! You’re actually here with me now”. Sometimes it’s almost a physical pain, and sometimes it’s a mental disconnect, and sometimes it would qualify as clinical depression. However, like everything else in this journey, we all go through the process differently. Your mileage may vary in transition, but it also likely varies on the way to starting, too.

If you haven’t read it yet, I strongly recommend reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible

Wait a minute, does that explain the HOTAS in my drawer? I don’t remember buying it. Or putting it there. But I do remember charging my Friendship Drive!

I wonder if I could mod the super cruise chromatic aberration to just be pink and blue? Or full of butterflies. That could be nice!

o7

Thanks! I’m going to need to work hard on this.

I’m also a few weeks in and not seeing any changes. I am also on a t blocker, though I don’t know if it’s working yet as my first blood test isn’t for another month. It takes time. I feel a little different mentally, but I am physically still a giant hairy man.

My advice is to try and find one person you can absolutely trust and confide in them, if you can. It’s better to do this with help than alone. Maybe find a local-ish group that meets up in person and attend if you aren’t comfortable with people who know you. I find it odd to think about, but I am more comfortable discussing things with people I have never met but who share in my daily struggles than to talk with someone I know who doesn’t.

I’m sorry you had to go through that! I understand the sentiment of keeping it visible but close, which is why a necklace was my first thought as well. I might do that anyway to keep the original close when we get new rings. Thank you!

This is actually really sweet it in a way. I’m glad to know that others are comfortable just being outside of a “norm”. We’ve been together over 20 years and I’ve had the same ring the whole time, but I preferred to remove it while working. In my line of work, I had the same fears about degloving or electrocution. It’s gone the opposite direction for me though, in that it’s now so large even the silicone wraparound sizers aren’t big enough. I’ll take your suggestions into consideration, though. I’ve always loved plants, and there is a Polynesian cultural practice of wearing flowers like a plumeria on one side of the hair to indicate marital status. Not as practical in the winter, but it’s still something I think I’d enjoy.

You and Telorand both suggesting silicone sent me looking. It might be worth grabbing a “his and hers” set so I also have something to wear for now in boymode. I still haven’t told anyone but my spouse that I know in person so I need to stay under the radar while the hormones do their thing. This might not be a terrible idea. Thanks!

It’s natural to be afraid of change, but I can tell you from someone in her 40’s, it’s never too late. Your family will love you for who you are, and your identity is something that YOU know. Life gets better when you can be yourself. Don’t do what I did and wait a decade to do something about it. There are people everywhere just like us and we help each other. There are professionals who can help you, and this path has been blazed by many before us. Stay on it, find yourself, and life gets so much better from there. Congratulations, sister!

If it helps you at all, I thought the same thing. I’m in my early 40’s, scared to death of what might happen in this political climate, and went through some very rough times in the last few years. I finally said enough last month and told my spouse. They’re helping me find clothing and picking out nail polish and going with me to my clinic appointments. Find the right people to support you and you can do anything. You can even be yourself, and it’s never too late.

I will add to the other excellent comments here: there are no perfect times. Waiting for everything to align just so will prevent everything from ever happening. Pick a goal and start it. Now. It seems like you took the first step, so congratulations! I’m not bitter about it, but I am an example of what happens when you wait for perfect alignment. You may wake up one day and say “why did I let the last decade go by in a fog instead of taking action” and regret missing some of your best years living as the real you. Don’t wait for any conditions, just improve the ones you have as you go.

You’re the second person to recommend them, so I’ll definitely consider them if I can’t find a local provider. I was just hoping to find a practitioner who knew the area and would be able to also recommend places for other services I (or my spouse! They’re part of this journey, too) may need down the line.

Heh, I don’t sleep well. Too many worries and mental battles over dysphoria vs. being out. And I feel like I’m still stuck in that rift. The username felt appropriate, since Miranda is on my shortlist for possible names, too!

Alma

I hadn’t looked at that yet. Thank you for pointing it out!

Yes, sort of. In this area it’s Horizon. FEP seems to just be a branch of whatever the regional blue cross and/or blue shield is. I have been using their “Find a Doctor” tool to tell who’s in-network after finding people on the lists like pridecenter.org or outcare or WPATH, but so far nobody’s been covered.

insurance requires a letter from someone actively prescribing and monitoring the progress of HRT for 12 or more months consecutively to cover any of those services

That’s precisely why I wanted to find a doctor do to this with. I’ve already missed too much with the wrong outside.

I’m in NJ, but not the progressive part of it. I guess Philly would be my closest friendly place to find anyone, and I definitely hear you about the “going official” issues in the US right now. It’s one of the reasons I’m so frightened of telling the wrong people.

I don’t know if I like the idea of DIY. I believe that it works, but I also know that I’m clumsy and forgetful enough to do something wrong. I also really need to talk to a therapist because I will definitely want my letters for surgery someday.

Folkx or Galileo

This is the first I’ve seen of either of these, so thank you! I’ll have a look!