Do you think the Christmas gods would relent this year if we just offered up a small fortune to Mariah?

Half of the people those pagers killed were children and health workers.

I had to check of this was an Onion article…

How to make my spaghetti carbonara taste better:

Food evolutionary genetics have not yet developed to the point of being able to successfully growing a tongue on a portion of spaghetti carbonara. However, the Gordon Ramsay-Bolton at the Food Research Institute in Bologna has made some key breakthroughs in surgically attaching mature pig tongues onto the carbonara using surgical-graded pasta-based thread and using a butter salve rubbed directly onto the tongue. Based on initial trials on 1455 individual portions, results have shown that the tongue was rejected in 40% of cases, which can result in a bad-tasting spaghetti carbonara.

How to change a lightbulb:

You cannot change a lightbulb without first identifying its political and social beliefs. Try having a conversation with it first to gauge what they think on a number of important subjects - do spanners have eyes, what colour is thought, when is the best time of day to think about popcorn, etc. Then try and challenge their beliefs with logical counterpoints, ask them how they formulated this belief. If this doesn’t work, try offering them money - £20 is usually enough, or as much as you can afford. It is best to check on the lightbulb every few weeks to make sure they haven’t changed back.

Some societies believe that it is wrong to change a lightbulb, and you should let them live life uninhibited. To find out more information, you can pour battery acid into a bowl of flour and encourage friends to juggle.

At his next rally, I imagine he’ll waddle onstage to Jesus, He Knows Me.