How much time have you spent being single?
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
It’s lonely.
I’ve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that you’re confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But it’s less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I don’t approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, that’s a shit show unless you’re in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so I’ve been single 10+ years.
In total? Not sure. Current streak is about 5 years. I’m 26.
It’s by circumstance. I keep looking, keep going on dates, but it never works out. At this point it’s pretty difficult to find the confidence to ask someone out in the first place. I’m going to my first therapy session next week so maybe I’ll be able to work on that.
I enjoy single life, I have a bunch of friends who I spend time witg, but it would still be nice to be in a relationship.
Pro of being single is having more freedom, but I’m really missing physical intimacy.
Partnership is a goal for me. I just don’t want to bother people in public, even in bars, clubs etc. and dating apps suck.
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18 years (the whole life so far).
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I guess a weird combination? I don’t even know what to do. I’d need a precise step-by-step manual…
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No.
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I don’t know. I don’t have what to compare to.
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I don’t understand the question.
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N/A
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N/A
There’s no manual. Just get out there and try, learn from experience.
I didn’t mean it that much as a joke, unfortunately.
I’ve been thinking how to explain this for those 2 hours, but I don’t know.
I just can’t really “just do something”.
What I meant by “step-by-step manual” would be like a plan of exactly what to do, what to say. I can’t even imagine what people do on a date.
Even just trying to start a short conversation is generally a big challenge for me. I sometimes have like 1 or 2 things I want to tell/show to someone, but I may be waiting with that even for weeks.And just trying to talk to someone, it’s like trying to breathe underwater. The brain just stops you from breathing, it’s like my throat just closes and I can’t say a thing.
Also, unfortunately, I have the habit of instinctively replying “I don’t know.” to basically any question.Similarly it’s with doing something for the first time. I usually take time with pre-planning stuff to detail.
For example when I was taking a city bus in a different city I even checked how to take the ticket. What payment system they use, whether I need to press something on the screen, where the ticket comes out of, whether it gets fully or partially cut off. Thankfully, that bus company published videos showcasing their system. (Thank you)
Otherwise I’d be checking on forums, looking at background of news reports from that general area, etc…There’s no good explanation for this. I just… can’t.
I am a terrible person, so it’s probably better this way anyway.Illness, whether physical or mental, does not make someone a terrible human. Social anxiety is incredibly common. Alcohol works as a nice social lubricant on a first date but I’d also recommend seeking formal treatment for your issues. There are medications and therapies that work to handle anxiety (ideally both at the same time)
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How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Both.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Very much so.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- no more compromises (this covers most of the pros)
- more money in the bank
Cons:
- sometimes I miss someone to share something (both good and bad)
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Nope.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
Did you have a bad experience with a relationship recently or something of that nature?
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
As an adult, probably 1.5 years was the longest without being in a relationship or at least seriously dating.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Married, so N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, overall.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: more time with friends (you should always make time for them and can obviously still interact with them and your partner together but you have to make time for your partner, so there’s less available for friends), time to work on yourself and reflect/improve.
Cons: not having that special emotional connection, having less physical intimacy
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes, I guess. Enough of a goal that I tried online dating.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
No, my personal and professional goals are still the same.
Why?
Why what?
Why are you asking this extremely detailed and personal question of strangers on the internet?
People don’t have to give extremely detailed answers (or any answers) about their experience if they don’t want to.
I’m just curious about people’s thoughts about being single, how they view it, along with if being in a relationship lived up to their expectations compared to being single.
I’m a believer in human connections and sharing experiences. Curiosity drives my need for answers and different points of view.
My orientation also makes it difficult to parse answers based my own point of view, so I posted to get answers from folks who more than likely have had a much different experience.
Being single sucks. And internet dating is the only viable option, and the experience is a dumpster fire. It’s miserable, and I want to give up constantly, until the crippling lonliness rears its ugly head for the umpteenth time.
Do you have close friends that you’re able to spend time with?
Rarely
Coming up on 8 years. I’m in my late 20s.
I had a string of very intense relationships early on and found life much less stressful without one.
I have enjoyed it. But approaching my 30s I’ve realized how much I want to share my life with someone. I am fortunate enough to have many close friends, both male and female, and would love to have that chemistry and support available daily, in a more intimate context.
Pros, unquestionable agency. Cons, occasional intense loneliness and being unable to spend much time with friends who are in their own relationships.
A partnership is a goal of mine, yes. But I’m reaching for that goal by first working to make sure I’m the best possible version of myself that I can be.
I’ve been single for most of my adult life. I prefer it to being in a relationship, as I like myself better single.
How come?
I’m not good partner and it makes me feel bad. I also don’t like the feeling of additional stress that comes in being in a relationship.
Seven years.
How much time have you spent being single?
Most of my life. I’ve had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so it’s been 4.5 years. I’m 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I don’t have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not proactive about it because I’m focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but that’s not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.
I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully I’ll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.
Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and I’m still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that I’m not sure how to fix, and it’s very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner who’s comfortable with that some day, but it’s made me leery of jumping into new relationships.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No, but I don’t enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. That’s true while I’m single, and it was true while I was dating.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
- I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals don’t need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end there’s no one to complain about it.
- My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I don’t need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
- No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.
Cons:
- I’m so lonely. So very lonely.
- Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and it’s an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
- Financial stress. I’m barely getting by on a single income.
- Constantly questioning my identity. I think I’m some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect I’m bi and/or trans, but I’ve got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. It’s hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes. I’d like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.
38 years and counting. Do I win?
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before sweating off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that you’re meeting new people so frequently? I don’t think I’ve met anyone new in years!
I’ve often said that most problems in my life could be attributed to lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of partyin’, or lack of churchgoin’. The latter two certainly help meet people.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
About 14 years (I’m 22).
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Not by choice.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: More free time, less drama
Cons:
- I don’t get to experience what it feels like to be loved or to have any kind of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, sex, pair dancing, etc.)
- It will be much harder to find affordable housing once I stop being a student
- I feel excluded when my friends talk about their relationships
- My parents are going to be disappointed
- If I want to have children in the future (I’m not sure yet), it probably won’t be a possibility
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes, obviously.
Short but to the point comment: at 22, you have more than 10 years to have children. Probably closer to 20. Release yourself from the invisible trap you are in.
Single about 25 years. I’m 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.
It’s kind of by choice I guess, though I don’t get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.
The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, it’s bliss.
You sound preposterously attractive and amazing.
Why thank you!
Hug and cuddle your friends and family! That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s awesome.
And maybe I’m biased because of lacking experience, but a relationship where you don’t (except maybe initially) feel comfortable farting out loud seems unhealthy…
I do hug my friends (and family when they visit from far, far away), I’m very huggy. Cuddling is another level of intimacy though. I do miss it, a bit.
My farts are so loud you probably heard me earlier and thought it was a car with engine trouble.
Bwahahahha 😂
All of it.
