World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking “Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down” and that’s terrifying stuff to carry in one’s own head. I just feel I’m part of the overpopulation and that there’s no point of existing.
I have a kid and don’t want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that’s all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I’d like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn’t help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that ‘baking cookies in my car’ thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
Dunkin donuts and false hope.
Hope that people will smash the chains that bind them… and undying hatred for the rich, the cops, the politicians, and the rest of the monsters when that hope disappears.
I do keep Eat The Rich and Smash Some Shit as my secret plan C. Seems better than just leaving this world quietly. But I sometimes wonder if I’m past that point already and will just keep fading away in hopelessness as a lot of others seem to do.
Suppressed hatred towards the powerful who don’t give a shit is maybe the underlying feeling I carry, and maybe that’s why my usual strategy of being a positive force seems to fail lately. There’s too much anger about the state of things to even care about anything anymore. Then again, adding to the anger that is already in the world seems such a horrible thing. Shouldn’t we be building a better world instead of destroying stuff?
Adderall and antidepressants
I used to have tobacco and weed for that. Gave it up recently as I don’t want to be alive only because my brain craves the next dose of [substance]. But it’s a working solution and I have been considering going back to it.
Maybe my brain is just adjusting to raw reality and happiness will return, but just watching any random bit of news these days makes me doubt that very much.
The hell with raw doggin life.
I think of it like sunlight. In videos from space, you can see the sun without the filter of our atmosphere. It is the harshest evil white burning light you can imagine. However, because of our delightful atmosphere, we get golden hour evenings, pink sunsets, warm mornings.
Life without pills is like sunlight without atmosphere.
Good point, and I do wish I had some jazz cabbage together with the self discipline to enjoy it in moderation, but I spent the last months under an atmosphere so heavy with smoke I’m actually surprised they didn’t send a fire fighter plane to my house. I’ve got to take a break at least for a while.
As you can see it’s going great so far. /s
You might have better results working with a doctor and getting perscriptions for the mind altering drugs that assist you.
Trying to trust your own brain to self assess what works and doesn’t while actively messing with its chemistry it uses to do that assessment… it can work, but it’s definitely choosing to do it on hard mode.
Spite. Spite and rage.
That does it for me on some days, and by the amount of likes it seems to be quite a common thing. If only I could channel the spite and rage away from the internet into real life. Found a nice motorway bridge and thought about hanging up some protest banner - but then people would read it and that’s all. Need to accumulate more rage before acting, maybe until I’m angry enough to put up a strongly worded protest banner.
This one post tells me enough about your mental state and life. Stop living in your head. Your head only takes you so far. Fail fast and grow, you just might make it further than you ever thought you could. Stop looking at outcomes and chessing it all out. Do.
Wow aren’t you a genius armchair psychologist to learn enough about people’s mental state in only one post - are you aware how condescending that sounds?
I thought my post was encouraging you to overthink less, and was about being more positive and grounded. I guess that’s condescending and being an arm chair psychologist. The point was to not be so concerned with today’s woes/geopolitical landscape and more in tune with what’s in front of you. I read all the comments including yours in this thread. The above post just really seemed to highlight the opposite of what I aimed to speak on.
Your reply actually seemed like the condescending one. None the less. I hope you find some peace and contentness. I don’t got all the answers, but I was trying to legitimately help. Goodluck!
Sorry for being rather acidic, I got hung up on the “this one post tells me enough”, it sounded arrogant to me and my answer to it was over the top and unnecessarily unfriendly. Thank you for trying to help and giving advice. I really hope my reaction doesn’t put you off trying to help others online in the future!
All is well. Hope you find the solace your looking for.
“Mom would be sad” was basically the only thought that carried me through my most suicidal years. So I guess it’d be “kid would be sad” for you. In any case fake it 'til you make it if all else fails, that was what they taught us in dialectical behavior therapy by the way of willingness & half-smile (or at least that is how I internalized it). Another thought that has been keeping me going since those suicidal years is “this too shall pass” with or without the additional “away” in the end, by which I have come to understand the transient nature of everything; the only constant is change, and it is inevitable. This combined with some personal growth in understanding of global geopolitical and economical concepts (straight up communism bro) has lead me to believe that better times are indeed coming, and although it may not be us alive right now who will be here to see those better days, we should not lose hope for the future. Someone once said that “wise men plant trees under whose shade they will never rest” or something, so I’d maybe encourage you to pick up again your hobbies that you listed: art, walks, talking, plant growing and community work and try to focus on what’s at hand, not what has been or could be or is somewhere else. You cannot affect any of those, so why worry about them?
I understand that the current global political and economical unrest is scary, but if it’s not currently threatening your life (or say your kid’s life) or stopping you from enjoying the things you are doing currently then it’s not really worth worrying about those, is it? I myself found help through DBT, it’s a long-form therapy used among others for emotional dysregulation disorders – like borderline personality disorder (that’s me!) – but it has many concept I believe should be in standard school curriculum globally, and the resources are available online as well as in print.
In any case, I hope the best for you. Raising children in the current global situation is no doubt incredibly anxiety inducing, and though it is good to stay strong for your children, it isn’t advisable to suffer because of your children so to say. It is good that you evidently know how to ask for help, and probably are capable to receive it.
the transient nature of everything; the only constant is change, and it is inevitable
Thank you for your thorough reply, I’ve been checking the DBT page and there’s a lot of good stuff there!
It’s funny that for me the transient nature of everything is as much comfort as it is reason for concern and discomfort - I’ve always wanted some kind of ‘static’ situation or find ‘the right way of understanding life’, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that everything changes all the time, that there never will be a standstill, or arrival at some final truth, or a place where one can rest and trust everything will always stay the same. I guess this desire for things to ‘stay the same’ is also part of the autism, I call it ‘sticky thoughts’. I’m still learning to embrace that everything is and always will be moving and I slowly ease into just being more curious and feeling comfortable with letting stuff happen and not panic about it.
There’s never been a time where the world was conflict free, and people merrily skidoodled around.
Happyness is as much internal, as it is influenced by your environment. It takes both.
Blaming the latter for the first, is a dead end.
The prospect of leaving behind a man’s corpse if I were to die now.
take my energy, blahaj ✊ evolve to your next form
Hate. Hate for the world. Hate for myself. I’ve seen my reflection in the obsidian mirror. If Tezcatlipoca was real I would live for the laughter he must have at my expense for my misery. Tezcatlipoca isn’t real and I hate that.
Or is he?
If he is real then he is dead. If he is not dead then he exists like a reflection in a mirror exists. If he is more than a reflection then he hates me.
I hate the world. I’m the son of a junkie. I’m old without a family of my own. I’ve lived my life having to kowtow to the privileged and imbecilic to earn table scraps. Now I go hungry because such people lead my nation and have ripped the last scraps of providence from my grasp. I am wretched.
Hate is the core of my being. Without it I’m as hollow as a ghost.
I hate therefore I live.
My kids and my partner, they’re amazing and they all think the world of me.
That, also cat and dog. I am the feeder, brusher, vet-taker. Mr. Meowmeow and Ms. Fluffy would be very sad. That won’t do at all.
I have a kid and don’t want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that’s all that keeps me going.
For me it’s the opposite, I’m someone’s “kid” and I don’t want to hurt them. It’s literally the only reason I’m still here, I’m just waiting for my older relatives to pass and then I can go eat a shotgun or something.
That as well. Don’t want my dad to be sad, he’s a good guy.
Don’t bite off more than you can chew, I hope it gets brighter once we’re older!
The mitochondria.
The idea that maybe in the future i will be in a better place than now, that i’ll be financially stable and i’ll work a job that i like and where i can keep a good balance between it and my personal life. (Im beyond delusional)
I find suicide distasteful and seek glory.
Responsibility mostly, no kids thank God but animals would suffer.
Nice try fed agent, you are not getting my will to live
But I need it for myself!
erm sir the radiation levels are way too high here XD
You’re not getting promoted glowie
