I was walking and dropped a paper I had just got from the printer and I bent down to get it and my back hurt so bad I had to stay bent over for like 15 minutes

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I went to catch a falling board with my foot, turned out to be a plow blade. I still don’t understand how it didn’t shatter the bones in my toes.

I began my psychiatric nursing career working as a behavioral technician on a unit for criminally insane men. I worked there for two years and was even promoted to lead tech in charge of making the assignments for all the technicians for the shift.

Other shifts and other units were sending staff members to the ER at least every few months related to aggressive incidents. Not us. Only thing was a guy had a stroke near when I was starting and while I think the job did do it to him, I think it happened over the many years before I worked there.

Two months before I left I sustained the worst injury I ever did at that job taking care of criminally insane men …I shut my own finger in a door.

I was rushing too much while grabbing hygiene / shower supplies for a guy one morning. Big heavy solid wood heavy latch and hinge with a long metal strike plate running top to bottom psych ward door. The tip of my finger swelled up twice as big, the nail turned black and eventually popped off. Looked weird as shit for a few months.

Meanwhile one time I was helping separate two guys where one was trying to bite the other guys face off and I kinda blacked out for most of it but I do remember seeing the other guys jaw working trying to gnaw at the guy I was holding. Anyway apparently there was a point where I was under both of them on the floor because like three people came into the restraint room while I was with face-bitey to ask how I was and as the adrenaline wore off it turned out I was a little scuffed up and bruised up…

But holy shit did shutting my finger in that door hurt so damn bad I legit thought I was going to lose the finger and it took over a month to heal!

Walked across a room and pulled a muscle in my shoulder. It was painful enough that I could barely lift it for a week or so.

I was on the roof of a 4 story building and was trying to show off to others. The building next to the one I was on was 3 stories and there was an alley between the buildings. The alley was wide enough for cars to get through and a line of trees next to the driving part, about 20 feet total from building to building. I wasn’t going to try jumping the entire alley, my plan was to jump to a tree, grab one of the branches and ‘ride’ it to the roof of the other building. I executed the manuever almost perfectly. It went exactly as I had imagined but with one exception: I was also smoking a cigarette. The lit part of the cigarette was knocked off the end and the burning coals managed to slip around my glasses and got stuck directly in the middle of my eyeball. It burned my cornea, thankfully not too seriously. I was blind in that eye for about a month while it healed.

I honestly don’t know how I am not blind in that eye. It’s my good eye too. I’ve had 2 other situations that led to being blinded in the same eye, that was the second incident. Both of the other two incidents are also dumb.

The first was from me forgetting to take out my contacts, during the brief time I wore them. They were one pair a week contacts, which I wore for a month and a half. The eye got infected and prevented me from wearing contacts again due to corneal scarring. It also prevented me from seeing much of anything at my first concert. I was 14 and the headliner was Blink 182. I was told that they had ladies take their shirts off on the stage, something 14 year old me would have been very interested in seeing. I saw nothing though, one eye was covered with a medical patch, the other was contactless, I had no glasses at the time and my vision in the eye that worked is 20/180.

The last and most recent dumb injury was not really my fault, at least I don’t think it was but that’s debatable. I was working in an aluminum extrusion factory. They made parts for the frames of windows and doors. After the parts are extruded and cut, some of the edges are razor sharp. A coworker of mine had to take a tool and deburr these sharp edges, so that workers handling the material don’t cut themselves by accident (or on purpose I suppose). The process leads to piles of razor sharp slivers of aluminum all over the place. I was chatting with a coworker after my shift was done, waiting for her to finish cleaning up her work area. I had removed my work glasses and was wearing my normal glasses. Big OSHA no-no. My normal glasses did not have the requisite side shields. The coworker used compressed air to clean up the area by blasting the pieces off the extrusions and onto the floor to be swept up. She playfully blasted some in my direction while we were talking. A sliver of aluminum was blasted into my eye and got lodged there. I had to have minor surgery and was blinded in that eye for 2 months. Since I was clocked out at the time, I was not covered by workmans comp. I probably could have gotten it covered but at that time I regularly smoked weed, so I would have failed the mandatory workmans comp drug screen and lost my job. I chose to keep my job and paid for the removal, approximately $9,000 in 2005 money.

Thanks for reading! Since this was pretty long, you get a bonus for reading: A dumb joke! In 2015 I had a job interview. I had seen a joke online and everything needed for the joke played out. The interviewers asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I responded that I did not know because I did not have 2020 vision. I did not get the job. Still worth it.

I badly bruised (i still insist broke but the xray said otherwise) my foot by dropping a 20kg block of frozen chicken on it. Explained to the nurse i dropped a block of frozen chicken on it, forgetting that she didn’t have the context of the meat factory, and she gave me such a withering look of “what a pussy” and walked off before i could finish explaining.

Was limping for about a year…

Shattered my wrist riding a rental scooter. I hit a crack in some concrete and the scooter became a small catapult, sending me flying over handlebars. Took a year to feel recovered

I was close to blackout drunk and passing out on the sofa. I accidentally spilled a beer on the floor and decided to leave it for the morning. I must have got up to go to the bathroom and slipped because I came to with a head-wound from the corner of my coffee table.

My place looked like a murder scene from me stumbling around and bumping into walls with blood on my hands trying to figure out what happened before I got my neighbors to call 911 for me. Head wounds bleed a LOT. Thirteen stitches. Luckily, it was on the top of my scalp and my hair covers the massive scar.

Threw out my back just sitting in my chair and shifting slightly, couldn’t bend over for days.

I was 15 or so, trying to drill a hole through the bottom of a 5.56 casing to weave onto some paracord for a necklace. Using whatever I found in the shed to try and accomplish this, I held the casing in place with a pair of vice grips as used a shitty old bit in a hand drill to try and put the hole in it. Well, instead the bit snapped, and I put what remained of the bit in the drill through my finger. Being a stubborn idiot, I dumped some hydrogen peroxide on it, applied pressure with a paper towel, then covered my whole finger in duct tape. Fortunately didn’t get infected (the bit was probably screaming hot), but I’ve got a fun scar now!

I cut my finger down to the bone while working with a jewelers saw. Didn’t even realize I hit flesh until my whole finger was being moved by the blade. Don’t particularly want to think about how far I may have gotten into the bone…

I cracked my ribs mountain biking. Two months later, I got food poisoning and re-cracked them, whilst throwing up.

I was taking apart a printer when I was a kid. I learned not to pry up the hard way.

Screwdriver right in the eye socket. Amazing I didn’t lose the eye.

When I was like 7 my aunt got a new home made quilt for christmas and was proudly holding it up for everyone to see. All I could think was how fun it would be to run into that nice soft quilt. So I tried, and like the dumbest cartoon character my head bounced off it after smacking into the metal table right behind it.

At least there was no permanent damage, or so my imaginary therapist tells me.