By Chuck Derry For many years, I facilitated courtmandated groups for men who batter. In the early 1980s we were concentrating on healthy relationship skills building, emotional identification and selfcontrol, and anger management, among other related issues. Then battered women in Duluth, Minnesota, began gathering to discuss the impact of the violence on their lives.… Continue Reading Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence
That was a rhetorical question. I have used an over-the-top example here to illustrate how empathizing with abusers without making clear what consequences their actions have will lead to be apologetic with these abusers. Just like people might be apologetic with literal Nazis when you present only their intentions and not how this harms others. I hope you get the analogy…
Well, I disagree with it being rhetorical, and with your answer. 🙂
Some people are apologetic with literal Nazis, and knowing what are their reasons, works as early warning red flags, or to nip an argument in the bud. The same happens with abusers: some people are apologetic of them (even their victims!), and knowing the reasons for the behavior, can help spot them and react before it’s too late.
I have some first hand experience with abusers, victims, acquaintances… and I’ve made the mistake of falling for the excuses made by all of them for the abusers’ behaviors, letting the abuse grow over time. They always grow over time, you could say that they “self-radicalize”, until some breaking point… which sometimes is the death of the victim. It’s much better for everyone to identify the early signs, and cut them hard.
I think there has been some misunderstanding somewhere, maybe it was my phrasing. But I 100% agree with what you just said. I have made similar experiences.
My point was that the article posted here does a bad job at explaining any of this or at offering any meaningful explanation for people suffering under abuse and their allies.
And I would hope that victims of abuse would be persuaded to leave abusive relationships by being confronted with the reasons of their abuse, but they often seem to have very skewed views on their abuser (who they probably won’t even identify as an abuser) and it is hard to get them to confront that. This is to say that just asking abusers to list all of their reasons probably won’t challenge the view of the victims.
Disagree. It helps to spot people who defend those reasons, as being either potential or actual Nazis, and call them out on it.
That was a rhetorical question. I have used an over-the-top example here to illustrate how empathizing with abusers without making clear what consequences their actions have will lead to be apologetic with these abusers. Just like people might be apologetic with literal Nazis when you present only their intentions and not how this harms others. I hope you get the analogy…
Well, I disagree with it being rhetorical, and with your answer. 🙂
Some people are apologetic with literal Nazis, and knowing what are their reasons, works as early warning red flags, or to nip an argument in the bud. The same happens with abusers: some people are apologetic of them (even their victims!), and knowing the reasons for the behavior, can help spot them and react before it’s too late.
I have some first hand experience with abusers, victims, acquaintances… and I’ve made the mistake of falling for the excuses made by all of them for the abusers’ behaviors, letting the abuse grow over time. They always grow over time, you could say that they “self-radicalize”, until some breaking point… which sometimes is the death of the victim. It’s much better for everyone to identify the early signs, and cut them hard.
I think there has been some misunderstanding somewhere, maybe it was my phrasing. But I 100% agree with what you just said. I have made similar experiences.
My point was that the article posted here does a bad job at explaining any of this or at offering any meaningful explanation for people suffering under abuse and their allies.
And I would hope that victims of abuse would be persuaded to leave abusive relationships by being confronted with the reasons of their abuse, but they often seem to have very skewed views on their abuser (who they probably won’t even identify as an abuser) and it is hard to get them to confront that. This is to say that just asking abusers to list all of their reasons probably won’t challenge the view of the victims.