Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feeling like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
I’m in a similar situation and know the feeling.
Part of the problem is that I live in Bristol. My city is in the midst of a housing crisis and is currently the second most expensive place in the UK behind London to live in. Renting a small studio or one bedroom flat can cost between £1000 - £1400 a month depending on how central you wish to live and good luck actually getting a reply from a property agent. That income isn’t going towards a useful asset, and the idea of paying over half to two-thirds of my take home pay on a filthy-rich parasite landlord’s mortgage for a tiny apartment makes the idea of home ownership a pipe dream. That’s if I could even pass the credit checks necessary. I don’t have debts, CCJs or a CIFAS marker to worry about. My only point of failure is that I don’t earn enough to be able to pay the exorbitant rents in my city.
Being a single man in your twenties (I’m in my early thirties so that’s even worse) who can’t rent or buy your own home is a social death sentence. Society negatively judges you for it and I’m annoyed to see people still pretend it’s no big deal.
I am by no means a NEET. I work full time and am on a £30k salary. My problem is that I am undateably unattractive and have had a lot of problems with dating for various reasons. This basically means I do not have the advantages of having a partner to live with nor access to joint loans which would nearly double our purchasing power. My living situation certainly doesn’t help and it’s a vicious cycle.
The fact that reality TV shows like “Young Dumb and Living Off Mum” have been made to effectively ridicule our generation and paint us as lazy troglodytes should tell you what societal attitudes are like.
Do you do your own laundry?
We do all the rounds together since it’s easier. My dad does handle most things which I guess may contribute to some of my independence worrying…
My biggest concern with someone who doesn’t get a stage of living alone/with roommates you’re not dating is their ability to cook/clean well. If I were you, I’d make sure I was capable of doing all the jobs and taking over at least enough to pull my own weight, though if your parents don’t want financial compensation, extra chores would be nice
I moved out when I was 18, so cant give you lived experience. But in my opinion I don’t think there’s an age you need to move out, but there’s definitely an age where I think you need to be equally contributing. Financially I think it’s important to contribute to utility cost. If your dad rents I think it’s only fair you pay your fair share there too. If he owns then potentially a smaller monetary value as hell retain the asset. Domestically I think it’s important you not only contribute, but also lead some domestic chores.
It’s reasonable to expect your dad to do the lion’s share when you were growing up, now your an adult I think it’s only fair to lift some of that burden from him.
I agree with this. Any time you live with someone, domestic burdens need to be shared as much as possible. This isn’t always 50/50 because of hours worked/ability etc. However so long as everyone involved thinks it’s fair then it should work. My parents were very happy to house and feed us when we were in full time education, because that’s what they wanted us to focus on. When we got jobs they started charging rent.
Just asking, what did you do to move out at 18? Like, what job did you get to gather enough money? I guess you were still in school at that time which complicates things.
I moved to England a week after I finished my last exam. I stayed with my brother for a few months then moved to an apartment above my work. I was making £4.50 an hour and working huge hours. I ate once a day which was rice with a can of soup mixed in. I wasn’t living the high life, but it was good times.
Edit: I lived a very tight life for a long time . I’ve since gone and studied then progressed quite well in my career. I live in the regions now, and rent is around $900 USD a month which is fairly achievable in our area
I don’t think there is truly such a thing as too old. I would still live at home if I could I think, I like having people I care about around. That being said, it’s more a question of if it works for your family and you. If they are cool with it and you are in a position where you’re comfortable I don’t see an issue. maybe talk to them about it.
and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer)
Have you directly asked about this? That would be my first concern, do they truly want me living at home still? Moving out doesn’t mean you have to never see family again, you can have a set day or two every week to come over for dinner/a visit.
The second concern I would have would be bringing a significant other around, or even a first date. You don’t want to bring every person you go on a date with to meet the parents, only the ones that are serious.
So if you’re family is actually okay with you staying, and you’re okay with bringing dates home around then, then go for it. Doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone.
My dad usually convinces me on the pros of staying at home whenever it comes up. I did do the visit-every-two-weeks thing in college but family just felt more distant then.
Second concern is something I also hear a lot. I haven’t had much luck dating though so may not be the most relevant to me rn :P
Speaking as someone who’s likely around your dad’s age, you could maybe approach him about investing jointly in a 2nd property? You could go live there and manage it, while dad might see it as an investment towards retirement.
I’ve known people who got married while living in their parents home. They stayed and raised kids. And took care of their parents in those shitty end years. They don’t believe they did the wrong thing. I moved out at 17 and did not move back for decades until now that my elderly mother needs help. It’s been nice, and I think that I missed a lot just being away from family for so long. I also know that I was an asshole back then and if I had stayed it wouldn’t have been good at all.
If you’re cool with it, and your parents are cool with it, what’s the problem? Especially these days with the ridiculous rental rates. It just makes no sense.
There’s a difference between being unable to move out and simply liking to live with your family. If you like living with them, I don’t see why you should move out until you find your own long-term romantic partner and need more privacy. I know there’s an expectation in the USA that adults won’t have a lot of contact with their parents, but I think that’s sad. I don’t currently live with my family for practical reasons but I live near them and visit them every weekend. My life is richer because of this.
I moved out of my parents place for good just before I hit 25. I left because I moved to a bigger city with more job opportunities.
I was too horribly depressed at the time for this to be a factor, but it might be easier convincing someone to come back to your place for sex if you’re living on your own compared to being with your parents.
If you move out, how much per month will you spend on rent, renters insurance (which most apartments will require), utilities, internet, etc? What percent of your take home pay would that be? If it’s too high, how does it change if you include a roommate or a less expensive place? If you move, will that make it easier or harder for you to take public transit to work?
I don’t think it’s bad. It’s only bad if you want to leave and can’t.
Let’s say I was a huge successful billionaire: I’d still live with my parents because I’d just get a single big house my whole family could live in together. Though it could be worded as they live with me and not that I live with them; technically both would be accurate.
I only feel like a failure because I want to be independent but it’s too expensive to live on my own. Rather live together with family than total strangers.
If you’re living a home and not paying rent you better be saving up for a down payment on a house.
But to answer your question, I moved out when I was 25 and I felt that was a little old to still be at home. But it will depend a lot on individual circumstances.
I’m conflicted with myself. As I personally don’t see the issue with living with my family or other relatives. Especially with the cost of living being as high as it is now, it’s nice to not have to pay rent. I do get the freedom argument, however I think that it held more value 30-40 years ago when the economy was different. Now… Dunno I guess I just find more value in not being bound by 1000$ a month rent.
To me, if anything, it’s not based on a time limit, it would based on circumstances if it’s based on something, especially considering the environmental sacrifices that go into minute home pleasures. To say it’s based on a time limit is dumb and can only be norm-based. I hope to be the kind of person who judges based on character and character alone. Being your best self does not require a home or career, just dedication to humanity whenever someone asks for it.
Pay your parents some rent, help out around the house, treasure them while they’re still alive.
Save up and invest as much money as you possibly can.
Mid to late 50s
My partner was like this till his 30s, and I was a bit jealous having been kicked out at 18. He was able to buy a house( with an admittedly amazing APR) with the money he was able to put away with this method. While he didn’t pay rent he helped around the house, and was a near-guaranteed dog sitter. I think that as long as the situation works for everyone it’s a great leg up. If someone has a judge-y attitude towards it they’re probably jealous haha.
Your parents (likely) had better opportunities to get that house than you do now. Give yourself some grace, just make sure you’re helping out where you can :)
