To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn’t look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn’t like me and learn about how periods actually work when he’s almost thirty because he doesn’t get a joke in a movie.
What he needs to learn at this age isn’t what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.
So what movie taught you about periods?
Happy Feet. (the sequel obviously)
Ahh, thought it would have been Crimson Tide
I could have said The Shining :p
I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.
Also relevant - you can’t smell porn. Everyone has a scent, especially when doing a physical activity.
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
This, meanwhile on one hand it teached me how to pleasure a woman orally, on the other it created impossible expectations on other areas.
I learned properly about the g-spot and how to massage it with my fingers through a TV program about sex that did at nights.
Did you know that the g-spot never was proven to actually exist?
This.
Porn is as representative of real sex as action scenes are of real fights.
It’s a stylised and codified version of things that specifically is designed to appeal to our lizard brains.
Also, get used to saying the word ‘sex’ around him. It’s weird at first, but the best way to make it clear that it’s all a normal part of growing up, is by acting like it’s a normal part of growing up.
I’d like to tack on that this point can be used to highlight why this is so. It’s a deep concept that can be explained simply and produces a lasting positive impact.
Everyone has fantasies. Sometimes we want them to be realized. Most often: we don’t. Many people carry internal shame because of their fantasies and some of those people have difficulty with intimacy because of it.
Good sex with other people requires our investment in their comfort and pleasure. This can be emotionally complex and fulfilling to navigate. Masturbation is free of those complications but we often make up the difference via fantasy. This is normal and there’s no need to confuse one space for the other. Masturbation and sex may fulfill similar basic needs on the surface but, in practice, they are very different exercises. It’s normal for one’s preferences to be different for each and for those preferences to shift over time.
Don’t worry about “normal”. Focus on having a healthy, honest, and emotionally aware sex life instead.
My parents didn’t really give me a talk, where I live we have pretty comprehensive sex education in school that starts at 8/9 and finishes around 14/15. Is that an option for you?
Also, at 13, maybe he’s already been given some kind of education about his body (especially since he already shaves and has already probably had wet dreams and discovered masturbation). Do you know what he already knows?
Family isn’t going to work for you, but do you have male friends or work colleagues you trust enough to ask for advice?
When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. There was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.
You didn’t use the condoms. 😔
Maybe ha ran out.
They’re not video game power ups! You can buy more son!
As a broke college kid, I could not.
My college gave them away for free. The wellness center just had a big bowl of them outside the door. Grab what ever when you walked by. They only had them out during school hours when they had someone working the desk, so it wasnt really a concern that people would be poking holes or some shit in them.
The wellness center would even come to any organization and give a free “safe sex” talk if you wanted them to, and that came with its own goody bag with more than just condoms. It was awesome
You can buy those too these days
Might have broken if they were 5 years old when he used them
Always knock before entering his room
And wait for an answer. Don’t just knock then immediately walk in. I’m nearly fifty and I’m still traumatized by this.
All the other replies tiptoeing around this - OP, your son has hormones raging in his body, he’s going to masturbate a lot. In my opinion and I’m going to be blunt, maybe focus on:
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letting him know it’s normal for all this hormonal activity, masturbation is OK and not something to be frowned upon or ridiculed (well unless you two joke a lot which would be cool). In fact, as he starts to go out on dates gently suggest he rub one out before the date to calm his hormones the F down, which leads me to…
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he’s gonna get boners all the time, it’s just a thing that comes with all those raging hormones. It can happen in unfortunate places and unfortunate circumstances (8th grade science class wearing stretchy shorts? SURE WHY NOT), so as a mom be aware this could be happening but he of course doesn’t want to say anything to you. Ignore or treat it as normal (or again, bust a joke if you’re tight like that).
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teach him to respect his partners and not be just letting his hormones take over and he wants to stick his dick in everything. This is I feel something is missed on all “sex ed”, to me the biggest part is not the physical act but the negative emotional results if he lets those hormones take over. Hetero or gay doesn’t matter, it’s all the same - your partner has feelings and be aware (“don’t be an f’ing asshole”).
I’m of an age these days, but man I wish someone in an adult capacity had covered the above when I was a teenager. Instead, growing up with repressed catholic type parents it took me way, way too long to grasp the above on my own.
I grew up in an entirely female family. I was literally the only boy. So I didnt get any sex talks from anyone. It sucked big time. I really really really wish someone had done it. I had no one to teach me about guy stuff.
Yeah about that last point, it is easy to have sex with someone just because they also want it. However, you may regret it afterwards because maybe they want an actual relationship and you just wanted the sex because your hormones were making that decision for you. Or if you do it with a close friend, it can strain that relationship.
It’s always best to decide what you plan to do before going into any situation that could potentially turn sexual. And stick to the plan. If something unexpected comes up, try to find a way to step away for a few minutes, let the hormones cool, and try to decide what you really want. It’s the only way to be sure you’re making a decision based on more than the instinct to have sex with everything.
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Absolutely. I respect his privacy.
Sometimes he wears headphones in his room and I do have to crack the door to have him respond. Is that okay?
Emphatically no.
Text him or something.
Edit: you do not want to make this mistake
Tbh if he masturbates with headphones in the same house as his mother, it’s an important lesson to learn to always keep one ear open for potential knocks. 🤭
Maybe warn him about that so he can avoid the potential trauma
Maybe put a “doorbell” with a light in his room that he can see.
Might go low-tech and just stick my arm in with a flashlight or something.
Does his door have a lock?
I think maybe it should.
Actually this is probably something good to discuss with him directly. Brainstorming ways of grabbing his attention in a way that respects his privacy together goes a long way toward earning good will, even if you make a mistake later on. Sometimes brain just stops working. My mom has always been good about respecting my privacy, but one day she just opened my door, something she never made a habit of doing and started talking… Right in the middle of some self-care.
As embarrassed as I was, we were laughing about it the day after. She was excited to tell me something nice is all, and I could trust her apology afterward because of our rapport. How could I stay mad?
just making sure you’ve seen this nested comment
Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the “Is this normal” stuff himself if he has normal internet access.
From a social standpoint it’s going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I’d advise to just be there for him on this front, but don’t be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don’t actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.
Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn’t have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It’s worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.
If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don’t ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)
That’s about all I can think of that’s gendered, really.
I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it’ll be helpful to do the talk and show that you’re available as a resource.
In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I’d frame it as “I’m sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what’s important.” It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don’t set his expectations on it, it’s people faking things for money.
Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it’s not necessarily about what he’s going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.
Then, I’d just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he’s unsure.
It’s awkward and tough I’m sure, but it’ll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!
Eh, it’ll dry (children are gross).
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As a father, I didn’t even know what to do or expect, we’re all messy, gross, and dumb at that age. The path I chose, was if they knew enough to ask a question, it was time for a discussion. Just pay attention, offer a safe environment for questions and be honest. Most of what they need to learn the world with teach them. Be there to fact check and maybe even learn together. Last tip… WE made biology gross and taboo, WE can make it less so for our kids.
Been thinking a lot about this post and tried to come up with some things that weren’t already mentioned. Sorry for writing a book.
This was mentioned once but you really have to talk to him about porn. He can literally find it on the same device he calls you on. It’s not real life but he might not know that yet or understand why. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t allow it, just that he absolutely has already encountered it and it’s likely already shaping what he finds desirable without him knowing it. (I like porn. I think it’s mostly a good thing. I do not miss trying to figure wtf was real vs what someone’s older brother made up to mess with me.)
I think lots of people have focused on sex and sexuality (for obvious reasons) but this is a moment where his relationships with friends and potential romantic interests are going to begin changing. It might be worth asking him what he needs from those different groups in his life. My friends weren’t supportive of me having a girlfriend at 14 cause they didn’t like her and it basically caused me to dig my heels in and hold onto that relationship longer than I should have.
I’m also surprised that more people didn’t mention talking with him about drinking and drugs. I don’t have any advice on what to say there. I just wish I hadn’t had to figure that stuff out totally on my own.
Ultimately, I’m glad to hear that you and your son have a good relationship where you can talk about things. The things he needs to talk with you about will change but there’s no substitute for knowing that you care.
EDIT: if you were specifically looking for the mechanics of how to hide a boner, you swing it around to 12 o’clock, tuck it up behind the waistband of the pants, and pull the boxers over it. Going down into the pants will make it more visible.
In my region this is handled really well by schools. Parents don’t need to worry about anything. Don’t they do that in your region?
In this day and age with the internet, I doubt there’s much he doesn’t know about in terms of how it works.
I would pull up statistics on stds and on the cost of raising a kid. Explain to him that almist 1 in 8 people have herpes and it never goes away, and how teen pregnancy really can fuck up future opportunities.
I think today it is more important to counter the incorrect things a child could be learning from pornography than the basics like “your penis may get hard when you think about girls.” They probably know the latter but not about STDs, unplanned pregnancy, and rape / sexual coercion being major problems.
First things first, I’d suggest looking into Big Brothers, Big Sisters if you’re in America. I’ve been a part of their program and it’s a great organization dedicated to helping kids exactly like this
OK, onto real advice: it sounds like you’re a woman and one of the things you need to address early with young men is respect. He will become significantly stronger than you very soon. He will have a ton of hormones pumping through his body. He is going to become dangerous to himself and others. He will be curious about how strong he is. You have to make sure he explores that safety. This is something all men go through and it’s important to have a good foundation or he can start spiraling down bad paths. You need to police his internet usage, his friends, and his role models or he could very easily start sliding into anti-women and abusive views
If he’s not enrolled in any sort of physical activity I would encourage you to find one. He’s going to have basically unlimited energy and channeling that into sports is usually better than the alternatives. That’s also tricky because you need to pay attention to the leadership of those activities to ensure that they are good influences
Now the fun stuff: he is going to be hungry for the next 5 years. If you haven’t grown up with boys it’s hard to understand but he can eat 6000 calories in a day and barely notice. My family used to order 2 pizzas when I was a teen, I would eat an entire one and they would eat the other. I’m not exaggerating when I say my average food in a day was a full continental breakfast, 2 deli sandwiches, chips, a dessert and a soda for lunch, an after school snack (usually leftovers), a large dinner, and dessert. I’m not a fat guy, nor was I in school. You will likely think at some point “he can’t possibly be eating that much food” and I assure you that he can
Ultimately what is important is that you have to build a good moral foundation for him. You will lose the ability to control him and when that happens all of the work you’ve done raising him will reflect in the way he acts
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Have you seen young men without good role models in their life? I have, they break things and hurt people. There are exceptions to every rule obviously, but especially in the growing toxic male culture that we have right now young men are in precarious positions. I’m a huge fucking nerd, I built my own computer in high school and was captain of the quiz bowl team. It’s still important to find positive and healthy outlets for the energy young men have. This poster specifically pointed out that they do have toxic male influences in their life already. Keeping active is never bad advice and while I may have been over emphasizing some things, it’s important to address behavior now before he starts driving, working, going out on his own, etcetera etcetera
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Yeah, it’s definitely not an “every male” thing. But other than that, it does contain good advice if it does end up being relevant. And if non-conservative males are tough to find in her area, odds are higher that her son could be encountering those types of influences outside the home.
I was a “relatively” weak guy growing up, videogames with no exercise or weights, I did do some physical chores and participated in most of my gym classes, lol, but I was for sure still way stronger than my mom, and she had a manual labour job. It is unfortunately very likely to be the case even if you grow up a nerd as a guy. And, in the potential case of him growing up athletic with a non-athletic mom, it can indeed be a huge difference. Not quite a shrek and fiona thing… but not as far off as we’d hope.
It can be a reasonable fear as a single mom to a teen guy growing up in a conservative area. And while it isn’t a description of every guy, if the description is sounding like it fits, then those are valid concerns and things that should be addressed and headed off before they can’t be.
My brother wasn’t very athletic either, but a little more than I was. And he wasn’t very rebellious, but a little more than I was. Only once did he ever hurt our mom physically, and it was when he was 13 and treated her the same way he would treat his friends in a heated argument, just gave her a shove… they both learned very quickly that a different approach was needed. That was with a kid who felt bad that he hurt his mom… we had friends(temporarily) that didn’t feel bad about that… those friends stopped being friends pretty quick and are mostly in jail or dead now.
We live in a small town, not super religious or conservative, but I would guess about half and half. And it was about 10% of boys that this advice applied to. In a place where conservatism or religion are further entrenched, that percentage doesn’t just go up linearly. The less sources of proper behaviour you see to counter the argument that people should behave “naturally”… even the nerds eventually succumb.
Be glad you had a childhood where this advice comes across as ridiculous.
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I’m not saying it “does” fit. I’m writing that to her. As she gave no indication or contraindication to whether it applies. Other than asking what our experiences were and what relevant advice would have fit our experiences… these are experiences that were had, and the advice that would go with them.
Your life was different, you gave advice that fit yours, thank you for your advice. We also gave advice.
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If that is where you are coming from, I think it might be worth giving the first message in this thread a second read. You may have brought more to it than what was written. I agree that it’s not “100%” as they stated, but it is -a- percentage and shouldn’t just go unsaid. Other than the “guaranteed” wording, the message is pretty much the same as what you are saying.
Just change all the "will"s to "might"s. And keep in mind it is written for todays youth, not our childhood, this kid has access to social media streams that can very easily reinforce bad ideas as much as they can good ideas.
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Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.
There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for ‘protein’. Wash cold.
Erections at random times will 100% happen. It’s expected.
Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.
Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.
Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?
I live in a conservative area and do not trust folks to educate him from those angles.
Angles? What does this mean?
I’m gonna guess abstinence only etc.
From the “conservative” point of view.
They’re generally not big on healthy sex education or relationships.
The typical conservative has a black-and-white view of sex and gender norms. “A man provides for his household and a women cares for the children”–type of thing, with very unhealthy views on sex, sexuality, and gendered expectations.
Hell, I was told that it was my “purpose” to one day marry, have children, and dote on my husband’s every whim, and that, as a woman, it should be my desire.
Another big thing is healthy boundaries, consent, and other things. Many believe in “the chase”, how women need to “submit to their husband”, slut-shaming, the “”“proper manly emotions”“” (hint: the only acceptable emotion is anger!), and those are just a few issues.
It’s not healthy, and I’m not going to risk someone teaching that kind of thing to my kid.
