To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
First things first, I’d suggest looking into Big Brothers, Big Sisters if you’re in America. I’ve been a part of their program and it’s a great organization dedicated to helping kids exactly like this
OK, onto real advice: it sounds like you’re a woman and one of the things you need to address early with young men is respect. He will become significantly stronger than you very soon. He will have a ton of hormones pumping through his body. He is going to become dangerous to himself and others. He will be curious about how strong he is. You have to make sure he explores that safety. This is something all men go through and it’s important to have a good foundation or he can start spiraling down bad paths. You need to police his internet usage, his friends, and his role models or he could very easily start sliding into anti-women and abusive views
If he’s not enrolled in any sort of physical activity I would encourage you to find one. He’s going to have basically unlimited energy and channeling that into sports is usually better than the alternatives. That’s also tricky because you need to pay attention to the leadership of those activities to ensure that they are good influences
Now the fun stuff: he is going to be hungry for the next 5 years. If you haven’t grown up with boys it’s hard to understand but he can eat 6000 calories in a day and barely notice. My family used to order 2 pizzas when I was a teen, I would eat an entire one and they would eat the other. I’m not exaggerating when I say my average food in a day was a full continental breakfast, 2 deli sandwiches, chips, a dessert and a soda for lunch, an after school snack (usually leftovers), a large dinner, and dessert. I’m not a fat guy, nor was I in school. You will likely think at some point “he can’t possibly be eating that much food” and I assure you that he can
Ultimately what is important is that you have to build a good moral foundation for him. You will lose the ability to control him and when that happens all of the work you’ve done raising him will reflect in the way he acts
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Have you seen young men without good role models in their life? I have, they break things and hurt people. There are exceptions to every rule obviously, but especially in the growing toxic male culture that we have right now young men are in precarious positions. I’m a huge fucking nerd, I built my own computer in high school and was captain of the quiz bowl team. It’s still important to find positive and healthy outlets for the energy young men have. This poster specifically pointed out that they do have toxic male influences in their life already. Keeping active is never bad advice and while I may have been over emphasizing some things, it’s important to address behavior now before he starts driving, working, going out on his own, etcetera etcetera
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Yeah, it’s definitely not an “every male” thing. But other than that, it does contain good advice if it does end up being relevant. And if non-conservative males are tough to find in her area, odds are higher that her son could be encountering those types of influences outside the home.
I was a “relatively” weak guy growing up, videogames with no exercise or weights, I did do some physical chores and participated in most of my gym classes, lol, but I was for sure still way stronger than my mom, and she had a manual labour job. It is unfortunately very likely to be the case even if you grow up a nerd as a guy. And, in the potential case of him growing up athletic with a non-athletic mom, it can indeed be a huge difference. Not quite a shrek and fiona thing… but not as far off as we’d hope.
It can be a reasonable fear as a single mom to a teen guy growing up in a conservative area. And while it isn’t a description of every guy, if the description is sounding like it fits, then those are valid concerns and things that should be addressed and headed off before they can’t be.
My brother wasn’t very athletic either, but a little more than I was. And he wasn’t very rebellious, but a little more than I was. Only once did he ever hurt our mom physically, and it was when he was 13 and treated her the same way he would treat his friends in a heated argument, just gave her a shove… they both learned very quickly that a different approach was needed. That was with a kid who felt bad that he hurt his mom… we had friends(temporarily) that didn’t feel bad about that… those friends stopped being friends pretty quick and are mostly in jail or dead now.
We live in a small town, not super religious or conservative, but I would guess about half and half. And it was about 10% of boys that this advice applied to. In a place where conservatism or religion are further entrenched, that percentage doesn’t just go up linearly. The less sources of proper behaviour you see to counter the argument that people should behave “naturally”… even the nerds eventually succumb.
Be glad you had a childhood where this advice comes across as ridiculous.
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I’m not saying it “does” fit. I’m writing that to her. As she gave no indication or contraindication to whether it applies. Other than asking what our experiences were and what relevant advice would have fit our experiences… these are experiences that were had, and the advice that would go with them.
Your life was different, you gave advice that fit yours, thank you for your advice. We also gave advice.
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If that is where you are coming from, I think it might be worth giving the first message in this thread a second read. You may have brought more to it than what was written. I agree that it’s not “100%” as they stated, but it is -a- percentage and shouldn’t just go unsaid. Other than the “guaranteed” wording, the message is pretty much the same as what you are saying.
Just change all the "will"s to "might"s. And keep in mind it is written for todays youth, not our childhood, this kid has access to social media streams that can very easily reinforce bad ideas as much as they can good ideas.
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I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.
Also relevant - you can’t smell porn. Everyone has a scent, especially when doing a physical activity.
This.
Porn is as representative of real sex as action scenes are of real fights.
It’s a stylised and codified version of things that specifically is designed to appeal to our lizard brains.
Also, get used to saying the word ‘sex’ around him. It’s weird at first, but the best way to make it clear that it’s all a normal part of growing up, is by acting like it’s a normal part of growing up.
I’d like to tack on that this point can be used to highlight why this is so. It’s a deep concept that can be explained simply and produces a lasting positive impact.
Everyone has fantasies. Sometimes we want them to be realized. Most often: we don’t. Many people carry internal shame because of their fantasies and some of those people have difficulty with intimacy because of it.
Good sex with other people requires our investment in their comfort and pleasure. This can be emotionally complex and fulfilling to navigate. Masturbation is free of those complications but we often make up the difference via fantasy. This is normal and there’s no need to confuse one space for the other. Masturbation and sex may fulfill similar basic needs on the surface but, in practice, they are very different exercises. It’s normal for one’s preferences to be different for each and for those preferences to shift over time.
Don’t worry about “normal”. Focus on having a healthy, honest, and emotionally aware sex life instead.
Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.
This, meanwhile on one hand it teached me how to pleasure a woman orally, on the other it created impossible expectations on other areas.
I learned properly about the g-spot and how to massage it with my fingers through a TV program about sex that did at nights.
Did you know that the g-spot never was proven to actually exist?
My parents didn’t really give me a talk, where I live we have pretty comprehensive sex education in school that starts at 8/9 and finishes around 14/15. Is that an option for you?
Also, at 13, maybe he’s already been given some kind of education about his body (especially since he already shaves and has already probably had wet dreams and discovered masturbation). Do you know what he already knows?
Family isn’t going to work for you, but do you have male friends or work colleagues you trust enough to ask for advice?
When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. There was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.
You didn’t use the condoms. 😔
Maybe ha ran out.
They’re not video game power ups! You can buy more son!
You can buy those too these days
As a broke college kid, I could not.
My college gave them away for free. The wellness center just had a big bowl of them outside the door. Grab what ever when you walked by. They only had them out during school hours when they had someone working the desk, so it wasnt really a concern that people would be poking holes or some shit in them.
The wellness center would even come to any organization and give a free “safe sex” talk if you wanted them to, and that came with its own goody bag with more than just condoms. It was awesome
Might have broken if they were 5 years old when he used them
NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJX8EALqb4PzmhYdnK6AxcAhm45FyCCK-
Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the “Is this normal” stuff himself if he has normal internet access.
From a social standpoint it’s going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I’d advise to just be there for him on this front, but don’t be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don’t actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.
Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn’t have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It’s worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.
If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don’t ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)
That’s about all I can think of that’s gendered, really.
I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it’ll be helpful to do the talk and show that you’re available as a resource.
In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I’d frame it as “I’m sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what’s important.” It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don’t set his expectations on it, it’s people faking things for money.
Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it’s not necessarily about what he’s going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.
Then, I’d just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he’s unsure.
It’s awkward and tough I’m sure, but it’ll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!
Eh, it’ll dry (children are gross).
There is a wealth of resources regarding sexuality and thematics for adolescents in general available here: https://www.youmo.se/en/
also, Big Mough comes recommended by the city of reykjavik, which has lots of stuff regarding sexuality and gender issues, but not all in english.
i want to emphasise training how to use a condom, finding out the correct size is something that’s on his to do list. Proper hygiene is also learned (my parents didn’t give a shit and it caused me problems far longer than necessary) - tell him if he needs to shower, body odor changes fast during puberty, and it’s easy to be nose-blind to your own smell.
I saw someone recommend giving a gift card for a sex toy - i think that’s a good idea, the sex drive in puberty was constant and to be honest at times annoying and distracting,
As a father, I didn’t even know what to do or expect, we’re all messy, gross, and dumb at that age. The path I chose, was if they knew enough to ask a question, it was time for a discussion. Just pay attention, offer a safe environment for questions and be honest. Most of what they need to learn the world with teach them. Be there to fact check and maybe even learn together. Last tip… WE made biology gross and taboo, WE can make it less so for our kids.
If you want my honest advice, the major considerations are that boys turn nonstop-horny for a few years, before that naturally stops.
Apart from that, yeah, general self-development. But that will take time, and experience(s)
Non-stop?
If I thought there were pictures of naked girls on the other side of a brick wall and I had no tools, I would have fucked that wall to dust to get at them. I might have been an aggressively horny boy tho. Also FYI I wound up having sex at fifteen, so get that talk in ASAP.
yep, more or less at least that was my experience
In my region this is handled really well by schools. Parents don’t need to worry about anything. Don’t they do that in your region?
In this day and age with the internet, I doubt there’s much he doesn’t know about in terms of how it works.
I would pull up statistics on stds and on the cost of raising a kid. Explain to him that almist 1 in 8 people have herpes and it never goes away, and how teen pregnancy really can fuck up future opportunities.
I think today it is more important to counter the incorrect things a child could be learning from pornography than the basics like “your penis may get hard when you think about girls.” They probably know the latter but not about STDs, unplanned pregnancy, and rape / sexual coercion being major problems.
Your question immediate took my mind back to this 15+ year old clip. Maybe use it as an ice breaker😂. The moms awkward attempt is before where the link jumps.
As a side note…if he shares a shower with someone with long hair and you don’t use a hair strainer or something. The process of removing the clogged hair is gonna get a bit more gross.
Nope didn’t like this comment
Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.
There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for ‘protein’. Wash cold.
Erections at random times will 100% happen. It’s expected.
Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.
Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.
Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?
I live in a conservative area and do not trust folks to educate him from those angles.
Angles? What does this mean?
From the “conservative” point of view.
They’re generally not big on healthy sex education or relationships.
I’m gonna guess abstinence only etc.
The typical conservative has a black-and-white view of sex and gender norms. “A man provides for his household and a women cares for the children”–type of thing, with very unhealthy views on sex, sexuality, and gendered expectations.
Hell, I was told that it was my “purpose” to one day marry, have children, and dote on my husband’s every whim, and that, as a woman, it should be my desire.
Another big thing is healthy boundaries, consent, and other things. Many believe in “the chase”, how women need to “submit to their husband”, slut-shaming, the “”“proper manly emotions”“” (hint: the only acceptable emotion is anger!), and those are just a few issues.
It’s not healthy, and I’m not going to risk someone teaching that kind of thing to my kid.
