her mother died 2 weeks ago.
I told her I’m sorry but after thinking about what to say I couldn’t come with anything better than repeating sorry again. She then told me and another coworker how she died.
I want to show her that I care but I don’t want her mother’s death to become the elephant in the room each time we talk.
This is not romantic in any way.
I heard a great podcast with Frank Ostaseski where he talked about how isolating death is. No one wants to bring up what happened, because it may upset you (spoiler: you are already upset) and you don’t want to burden others by talking about it. This traps you into dealing with it alone. I think the best thing you can do is just be available. Tell them you are genuinely want to listen if they want to talk about it. Perhaps make the offer again in a few weeks when others have moved on. No pressure, just be open to listening. Most of us just want to be heard
Just tell her that if she’s ever struggling and needs a person to talk to, that she can rely on you.
That demonstrates that you’re a caring person who will be there for her if she needs it.
I like to add a “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” It’s a little bit more than just “I’m sorry”.
I’m assuming that you would be willing to help if you can. It would be pretty shitty to say if you didn’t mean it.
The best thing is to come up with something specific. As others are suggesting, offering to make food is probably an easy-to-accept offer.
It obviously depends a lot on your relationship with them but what people usually need at times like this is to know you care, that they aren’t alone, and that you are there to help if needed.
It’s also important to give them the option to opt out of anything you offer and allow them space.
Something like ‘I know this must be a really hard time for you, you’ve been in my thoughts. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out or even just talk’ then leave it at that unless they want to talk or need help. It acknowledges their grief, offers help, but crucially doesn’t make an obligation for them.
The best way to show her that you (platonically) care about her in this difficult time is to check in with her - especially a couple of weeks after the funeral. That’s when most people who are trying to help her mentally move on. Not that they don’t care, just that everyone has a life to lead. But that’s the period when the bereaved can feel most lonely and struggle a lot.
Just a simple “I hope you’re doing okay” and “let me know if you want to talk about it” will mean the world.
Yeah, and that’s also the time that people who are grieving are likely to feel like they should be moving on, but that’s rarely the case. Having someone else acknowledge that it’s still ok if it’s still a difficult time can be really validating.
I recently reached out to a coworker whose dog died and said, “I’ve been thinking about you and [Dog’s name]. I hope you’re finding moments of comfort and are doing as well as you can. I just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts.”
I recently lost my cat and know when a couple people reached out with similar comments it meant a lot.
I hope you are doing as well as you can be. Losing a beloved pet is not easy.
You could put together a dish of some kind that she can just toss in the oven to cook. People often neglect to eat when mourning because they have a lot going on.
Easy ones are lasagna or baked potatoes or casseroles.
Just pre-made, ready to throw in the oven.
Hmm… Tough one. I for one feel too socially incompetent to not mess this up in some way, but it’s ok for me with people who are used to it.
I’d say to try and celebrate her mother’s life by talking about things she liked. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, but some might consider it an invasion of privacy if not close enough.
Otherwise just giving them space and time to adapt ought to be appropriate.
Dunno how friendly you are or wanna be. No real answer because it depends on the person and the relationship. Some things work for some and backfire with others.
People generally like food and grieving people don’t always have the energy to cook, is there anything you make well? Lasagna? Soup? Mac n cheese?
Everyone grieves differently. Some people want to talk about it, others want to be distracted from it. Only bring it up if you think she’s in a sharing mood, and let her drive the conversation.
You could say something like, “I know it must be difficult right now, but if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”
If she does want to talk, you could ask questions like “What was she like?” People like remembering good times if they can, and it can help them process the loss. But also, some people really don’t want to do that with coworkers. Be prepared for either, and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to share.
Big lasagna. There will be days she’s too sad to cook. It can be frozen and saved.
We tend to give people giftcards to food places (like a few different ones they can pick).
We had some folks do that for us when my wife’s mom died and it did actually help. It relived some stress of having to come up with dinner when you’re depressed and sad. Getting out and eating at a restaurant can help you feel more connected to others or ordering delivery can help when you’re a mess and don’t want to be with others.
House cleaning gift certificates are also nice, if you know folks are already overwhelmed with casseroles. Same idea, taking some burden off their plate, freeing up their time off to grieve.
Big lasagna and some flowers and emphasize that they’re for her. Tell her that you are a good shoulder to cry on if she needs it. Call her at home after a week and maybe after 2 weeks and say that you’re just checking that she’s ok.
This is Jewish tradition, btw. Not lasagna, but you give a dish so the family can grieve at shiva without having to worry about cooking.
In the southern US, we have “funeral potatoes”. Easy casserole.
Italian too. Hence the lasagna.
Maybe ask first if she’s lactose intolerant? You don’t want to give her a gift of diarrhea.
When we went through a frankly tragedy the big lasagna was amazing. We didn’t have to find or worry about anything and we could just do it on autopilot.
I feel like that’s a personal preference. I remember my wife’s father dying, and her mother was an emotional wreck. She was so angry that people kept giving her food, and it just upset her more every time something was left. Obviously, she was kind to the people, but after they left, she was angry and basically told all her siblings take it all now otherwise it’s being thrown out. She threw out tons of good food…
I don’t agree with that, but the one thing I did notice was it’s also difficult to even manage getting all that food as well. It became it’s own problem since finding places to put it all was hard, and I’m sure not something you wanna deal with at that time either.
On the other hand this was all in the first week, OP states it’s been a few weeks, and maybe it would be nice to receive since they probably aren’t getting much now.
I don’t know her and I’m not a psychologist but that sounds an awful like she’s projecting. I’d bet it wasn’t the food she was angry with.
Whatever your existing dynamic with this coworker is, keep it the same. More than enough people are going to be backing away because they don’t want to do “the wrong thing,” or getting unnecessarily closer because they want to “be supportive.” Those are both just extra changes she’ll have to deal with along with the loss of her mother.
Offer stability. You can even explain this out loud to her directly.
How do you show that you care?
Seems like the wrong mindset. Think about what can be done to make her feel cared about. Not cared about by you. Cared about by everyone.
Depending on the culture in your country, a sympathy card could be a good thing to give. You might find a card that says something compassionate, then add a personal note expressing your condolences and offering to be a listening ear at work or outside work, or if they’re looking for a distraction you can be that as well. Something along those lines might be appreciated. It of course depends largely about the kind of relationship you already had with the coworker, and what kind of time you’re willing to offer her outside of work (if her mother had been living with her, for example, she might need someone she can call in the evening to talk when facing that loss).
Buy her an animal to keep her company. Maybe a dog?
Don’t do that
“Sorry your mom died. While you’re feeling fragile, here’s a massive burden.”
Sometimes people just want to be left alone. There’s no solution to grief besides time. You can’t materially improve this position but you can be around if they want to talk or just be around people.
