Posting this here because I’m unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren’t perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don’t know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we’ve been together over a year now and I don’t have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I’ve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don’t know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life. And ahe isn’t, but I’m still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I’ve talked at length with about this but I don’t know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my “type”, so maybe it’s just she’s more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would’ve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there’s a small hole in the puzzle.
I don’t know, it’s kinda maddening. I don’t have most social media, so it’s easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it’s just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I’m well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don’t love her, at least I don’t think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I’m emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I’m not knowingly lying to my partner). I don’t know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it’s clearly not. And I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I’m just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it’s over. It’s been over. There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn’t anti-weed but didn’t appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn’t handle the breakup well. I didn’t do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn’t okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don’t really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn’t have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I’m just so fucking unsure man.
I’m sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I’m trying to do. I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn’t ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life.
are you sure about that? there must be something about her that pervades your mind and compells you to (want to) invite her for coffee, not to mention the stalking. i know this comes off as inflammatory, but i think it’s important to consider the possibility that you are in denial; after all, you absolutely have a vested interest in those 3 statements being true
My ex wife was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive.
I still think about her when I hear love songs.
Human minds and attachments are weird. Sometimes we just don’t mind being lonely as long as we aren’t alone.
I could not explain to you how many times I stood in the front yard, staring at my car, thinking about how I could just walk out the gate and leave.
People are complicated little fuckers
I have considered that possibility and I remain skeptical of myself so I don’t rule them out. But the evidence seems to be pointing to other things rather than that.
sounds good. i just wanted to suggest it in an emotionally provocative way; i’ve been burned before by my base assumptions being wrong
And that’s so fair. I’m a bit worried that my knowledge is indeed flawed and that I’ll realize I love her or something if I were to see her again. But typing that out just sounds so silly; how can you love someone you don’t even know anymore?
inversely, you aren’t the same person as the one that fell in love with her. you are both different people now and you even have a relationship now that will shape you even further :]. part of it is accepting like the other commenter pointed out: human minds are weird
Look into “mindfulness”
I am very mindful of myself. I practice very regular introspection and have multiple models and frameworks to view, analyze, and develop myself. This has just been an incredibly deep rooted issue that I’ve been actively debugging going on for two years now.
That isn’t what mindfulness is at all. Really, look into it.
That’s a common misconception about mindfulness that I fell - and sometimes still fall - for. It’s not about knowing a tool or framework, and using it when you think you need it. It is not debugging a one off. It is a practice. You do it as a routine, and it slowly shifts how you face the world and yourself. It’s not the answer we are looking for, especially in a crisis, it’s not a fix. It’s a change, it takes the rest of your life, and it’s not a linear system of inputs and outputs.
I do that consistently. I spend most of my time just thinking. And i don’t mean about totally random stuff like would a gorilla or a killer squid win in a fight (i think about that too tho) but self reflecting and introspecting. I spend a majority of my mental time continuously examining myself and my being and changing and reflecting on it. When I say debugging, I don’t mean one offs. I’m consistently rebuilding and refactoring myself given new information and the context which I exist in. I put a lot of effort into self awareness and being aware of my environment and the spaces I exist within. I have entire personal philosophies dedicated to specific things as to help understand and guide myself in those situations.
I don’t know you or your mind, but from that, it sounds busy AF.
That’s not what a mindfulness practice is like at all. To be clear, I wasn’t referring to a dictionary definition of mindfulness, but to the Buddhist meditation kind. In mindfulness meditation you would be working to get to a completely different state, where you simply observe, instead of analyzing.
I could be projecting, and I apologize for that, but I see myself a little in what you described: I used to scan myself all the time, and think of things to fix and improve, dwell on what I did wrong and what I am going to do better tomorrow, think through many moral scenarios and arguments so I would act in a sound and correct way. That’s fine and very valuable.
It is also why mindfulness was hard for me to get into - because I couldn’t be inside my head like that all the time. It is almost the opposite of that. It’s hard to step aside from that torrent of thoughts, especially if you are an introvert and used to tapping into that rich inner world. Mindfulness meditation is training your mind to reach a sort of silent tranquility, a blank slate where you can draw your true intentions on and then maybe reach deeper insights. It helped a lot when I accepted that we are not entirely rational, even when we think we are acting purely on logical thoughts. We need to connect somehow to that latent emotional side, to recognize it more often. And this only clicked on my late twenties, until then I thought I could just think myself into any desired outcome (spoiler alert: it didn’t work).
I am sure there are many resources out there that explain this better than I can. My point is introspection != mindfulness.I appreciate your response. It isn’t difficult for me to hit that state of tranquility – psychedelics taught me how to reach it. I often use it when I’m feeling down and tired and need a pick me up. Or when there’s not much going on and I take the time to enjoy life for the small things. I don’t fully clear my mind per se, but i let the thoughts flow like a river and they move too fast for me. instead im on the riverbank picking berries. weed also helps a lot because it’s able to slow me down and give me the room i need to sit and be with myself, which usually leads to more thinking as i listen closely to what my body and brain tell me. But I’ll look more into mindfulness. Thank you!
Therapy or much time
Both of those already in progress :')
Finding closure of some kind I think. Keeping in mind why you broke up, why it didn’t work out, why there wasn’t a future in the relationship, etc.
The relationship before my current partner of over ten years was really intense, I thought she was really the one, she was what I had imagined my ideal type was for practically my whole adolescence. But a spot of long distance and her parents disapproval had us in a bit of on again off again, where during one drunk call to me, she admitted to kissing other guys (at the very least), and that was enough for me to just go, “oh, I think our expectations are too different”, and I was able to put a hard end to that. Yeah, I occasionally think of her, but more in the curious way you wonder about an old acquaintance.
I had a friend with a sort of similar situation to yours, he and his girlfriend mutually broke up when we were all graduating high school because her friends convinced her that long distance wouldn’t work out. It really messed both of them up, especially since they kind of stayed in contact. A lot of weird stories there, but not really mine to tell. But he talked a few times about all the “what-ifs” and it feels like that’s the hardest part in letting go of a relationship.
On the other hand, if you can convince yourself that the answer to “what if?” is basically “nothing good”, I think that can help. Though, easier said than done, it’s kinda like brainwashing yourself by focusing on all the negatives about them. Easy for me because of the cheating, but not so easy for my friend.
I think it really is the what ifs. She was the person I decided I would settle down and tamper my ambitions for. And then we broke up and it swept the rug out from under me. I’ve since decided to never make that decision again (my future plans will require me to maintain a very active and busy lifestyle) and not tamper my ambition for anyone, but that’s at the expense of properly “settling down” into a singular, stable place. But the what ifs on if things had gone differently or if I ever do see her again (very possible, we live in the same city and my parents don’t live too far from where she used to dorm). I am content with what I have now but I am skeptical of myself and worry that should I actually see her again, I may realize i feel differently. Rationally i know that what’s more likely is that two old friends will reconnect, and I’ll fully see that our parting was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Idk, this is gonna take a long time to fully debug and it’s so multifaceted that it always feels like you’re starting over. But mistakes do not define us or reset all our progress, they just remind us that we are fallible and thus human. They are to be learned from and grown from. Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it more than you know.
There are times in life when we don’t get closure and never will. Coming to peace with this can be challenging. Do what you can to enjoy time with the ones you love. Time makes it easier but there’s no guarantee for closure, ever. Enjoy life the best you can. Keep going.
Thank you, I will.
18-19 are one of the most vulnerable years for a person, and I feel like relationships at that age make an incredibly lasting impression, and the feelings themselves are so unique and strong in a different way. It took me years to get over my boyfriend I was with at that time and even now he holds a very dear and special place in my heart.
Love is a strange thing and I am still not sure about how it works in the time dimension, but I have noticed that if I loved, those feelings were mine and will always stay with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Also, present guilt can be more powerful than past love. I have the impression that that is what is in tormenting you. Stop being so hard on yourself for having human feelings, you deserve acceptance from yourself.
If this was a highschool relationship my advice would be to just wait. I was devastated when I broke up with my highschool sweetheart but every year it became less important.
Breaking up is something you learn to do just like anything else. In my case I found out the person I grew into isn’t someone the person I was seeing would have loved and the person I am now isn’t someone who would love the person I used to date. Now all the emotions I had and all the things that I thought were important seem trivial
Hope this helps, and don’t stalk it makes you weird and everything you’re experiencing worse.
My rule of thumb is it takes one year of grief for every year invested in a relationship. The fact that it’s been two years for a one year relationship is a bit concerning.
I’m not so sure on that rule. It’s not like I experience a set time period of grief after a relationship ends that’s half as long as the relationship lasted. It usually comes in waves. A bad week, dreams or even a certain smell might trigger a moment of grief that could last from minutes to weeks. As time passed they happen less frequently, last less time and have less emotional impact but they still happen. I wouldn’t suggest that it’s out of the ordinary to be having these feelings if they are occurring 2 years after the end of a 1 year relationship.
Different people will move on at different rates and that’s okay. Just do your best to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically). If you are struggling with moving on and you think it’s actively harming your health it is crucial to seek some form of therapy however.
I appreciate the insight. And yes I agree the stalking is weird and creepy and this will be the last time I do it. It’s not something I enjoy, but in my darker moments I’m more affable to my intrusive thoughts. That isn’t an excuse though.
I have been there so close to this situation. It is almost like “how am I supposed to meet someone else?” Everything is numb and nothing really takes it away. But it does with time. And TIME TAKES TIME.
Just try today to appreciate a few things about your new partner that make them special. Like maybe their smile, or laugh, or just the fact they are with you. Love the one you’re with.
Someone told me when I broke up at first that ”They are not there anymore” - meaning that the relationship is not there for me anymore. It’s true.
Be grateful this happened so early in your life and you have so much great life ahead!!
Thank you, your perspective is very helpful. I do try to appreciate my partner and not take them for granted. I also attempt to acknowledge that there’s no going back. the only way is forward.
It sounds less like you’re missing your ex, and more like that you’re disappointed in the fact that the relationship failed. It sounds like you built up an expectation of your relationship with your ex, and when that ended up falling through, you feel let down. And it sounds like you can’t decide whether to put the blame on her or yourself.
If I’m reading that correctly, I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge this fact, that the issue is not that you’re missing the relationship, but that you’re struggling with the emotional letdown when your relationship ended up being less ideal than you initially planned. Because if you keep thinking that the issue is that you’re missing her subconsciously, you’re going to get led to the wrong solutions. For instance, putting blame on you or her isn’t going to solve the actual issue.
If we take this premise to be true, then I think addressing the real issue probably comes down to thinking about what your expectations were and thinking about how the relationship was never going to meet those expectations from the beginning (based on the examples that you gave). Ultimately, I don’t know your situation, and I’m not a therapist. But that’s my interpretation of what you wrote
This was kind of an eye opener for me as well. I’ve had a hard time of letting go of some of my exes, and I always wondered why. What you said coupled with the fact that I sometimes have a habbit of idealizing a relationship and fanatsizing about what it would look like 3, 5, 10 years from now, is at the root of the problem, but I never framed it like that.
Thank you for the words of wisdom 👍. I am past those relationships, but I never figured out why it took me so long to get over them.
Holy shit dude that’s not a perspective i had considered before. that’s massive damn. i need to chew on this for a sec but i genuinely appreciate this. i think your analysis is very accurate and helps me reframe the issue. it would explain why i feel like im making so little progress, because I’m not debugging the actual issue. thank you again!
just kill a series of people that remind you of your ex… after about 10 the original breakup won’t matter anymore…
Kinda weird that no one has said this yet… but If your current GF is not enough to remove your ex from your mind, then you’re not in the right relationship. Find someone else. Not fair to you or this new gf if you’re still hung up on your ex. When you find the right person you won’t give a flying fuck about an ex anymore. If that’s not how you feel currently then do the poor girl a favor and break up with her early rather than later.
Sorry, but this is terrible advice.
Nobody out there is likely to tick absolutely every one of your boxes, and there will always be areas where one partner may have excelled that a new, overall better partner may not hit.
I miss one ex’s massage skills, and it crosses my mind from time to time when I have muscle aches. I miss a different ex’s love of deepthroating and being on top, and those thoughts float around from time to time as I’m still not used to how my sex life has changed as I’ve gotten older and had a kid. I miss one ex who had no complaints dealing with literally all the house work as long as I always let her get her way, which crosses my mind sometimes when I get home after a shit day at work and come home to more work to do around the house.
None of that means my wife was a poor choice, or that I’d be better with any of my exs. It doesn’t mean that my wife doesn’t try to ease my aches in her own ways, that she doesn’t satisfy me sexually, or that she expects me to do more than my share of housework. It’s just different, and it’s not abnormal to notice it.
That said, none of those thoughts are what I’d consider lingering or intrusive.
On top of that, there’s a shit ton of potential reasons for an ex to stick in your thoughts besides “new partner doesn’t stack up”. A long relationship ended, plans for the future broken, messy breakup, things at the end recontextualizing the memories of the whole relationship, etc.
Unresolved shit has a habit of sticking around in the mind, and there’s a lot of situations in life where you don’t get real closure, conclusion, or explanation.
Plus the mess of “what if?”
The best option I’ve found is to focus on what is. What is going on currently in your life, your current situation. It’s too easy to imagine idealized versions of people and past events when you have space. Same as crushing on someone you barely know, your imagination can fill in the hazy parts with things that are completely unreal.
Bro if you’re constantly thinking about an ex (especially longing for that ex) while with another person then you have serious issues in the relationship and you’re not being fair to the current partner. If you disagree with that then you don’t seem very respectful. This is something ypu learn after several relationships. Don’t waste other people’s time. It’s fucked up.
I don’t really think this is the case as this has been something I’ve been forthright about since the relationship began. I’m looking to properly move on and heal in part because i want to be healthier in my relationship.
No matter how much you want that, getting over your ex won’t make you more attracted to your girlfriend/roommate. But there might be someone out there that you will feel strongly enough about that the ex problem will take care of itself.
Ngl i think you’re missing the plot
My heart goes out for your current partner if he/she knows that you’re still not over your ex. Please OP, be respectful to your partner. That’s really fucked up. I’ve been where you are now. It won’t end well. You’re wasting your partner’s time. If you’ve been with them for a year and you’re still unsure about your feelings, it’s over. I suggest you come to terms with that.
I think this is an over simplification. Thinking about someone (or any intrusive thought) doesn’t have to mean anything in particular. Sometimes that shit just happens.
Oh please…Yea, sometimes it happens, but usually when that happens you won’t go making a huge Lemmy post about how to get over your ex… Wake up lol. This is a completely different thing OP is explaining.
They specifically stated they don’t want to be with that person, at all. Maybe read closer?
I don’t think this is true. Your SO shouldn’t need to have the responsibility of fixing your problems. If you’re expecting your SO to be so good that you forget about your previous unresolved issues, then I think you will only be setting up an expectation for her that she will never meet (or that she is not willing to meet). And that’s only going to diminish the quality of the relationship. Both because you are, essentially, using her for your own purposes, and because your SO is human.
It can be worth remembering the fact that people are, in fact, human. Obvious, I know. But it’s important, since we need to remember that they have their own goals, their own life values, their own emotional baggage, their own expectations. Forming a good relationship isn’t about window shopping for a “good” SO, it’s about a shit ton of communication and compromise. And it requires setting healthy expectations for yourself and your SO.
I think you grossly misunderstood my reply… I’m saying that if you are currently in a relationship, but you are still frequently longing for what you had with your ex, then you’re either not over your ex (and need time by yourself) or your current partner isn’t the right fit, for which you need to be respectful to your current partner’s feelings and break up with them before it gets real bad. If you think that this is incorrect thinking then idk what to tell you?
I always write when I feel bad enough.
I wrote down about my bad feelings. I wrote a letter I pretended to send them - it helped a lot.
I created a tool I used to see where on my way on healing I was. I used a clicker to measure amounts of thought I had about them and made a chart out of it (It was awesome to see how the thoughts dwindle to nothing with time)!You can also talk about it with friends, family and strangers.
I do journal and I try to talk about it when it seems appropriate. I do like your idea of the clicker though!
Yay! Discussing hardship as well as sharing the good stuff with folks can help if you have someone that fits around!
I am with a wonderful and amazing partner which is why I feel so bad dealing with this particular issue. I really appreciate the support.
Some really good advice here and people really tried, wow, just really surprised that not all people on Lemmy are tech geeks… cuz, I have to say that I do have a hard time interpreting situations and emotions and knowing that I can write about my problems and have a bunch of people really get into the issue and give really good advice, that really really means a lot 😊.
I wasn’t sure I’d get good advice as on Reddit I had gotten really mid results, but the lemmings have really stepped up. Hopefully I’ve provided as deep of responses as people have commented. I really appreciate everyone’s insight.
I’ve been in your shoes. I nearly married my ex that cheated on me. You know what happened? Like you I tried to move on and ended up meeting my wife while my ex was trying to reconcile. She admitted that she screwed up and that we should start over. I ended up snubbing her in favor of giving my now-wife a shot. Almost 16 years later and it was the best decision I ever made relationship-wise. My mistake was thinking my ex was the only one for me.
It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s okay to take time to figure this out for you. But you need to understand that if your ex hurt you when you really needed them, that’s not the person that is going to be by your side at all times - they failed that check already. Life is short and fleeting - don’t waste your good years hoping something will manifest itself through all of the past drama. You’re fantastic and someone is DEFINITELY out there that will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
There’s lots of fish in the sea, and potentially there might be several people out there that might be the one - give this one a chance!
You keep thinking about them, because you have yet to find someone, who can satisfy the feelings you used to experience. Completely distancing yourself first is a correct step. You know what to do, you just need to do it. Meeting new people, let alone at a level of connection like this, is quite difficult, so try to fill your time with hobbies. The more involved, the better
I’m unsure its that simple. I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve been in and I love my partner dearly. Another commenter offered a completely new framing of the issue which i haven’t had time to dive into, but seems very fascinating.
I agree, it’s not that simple. No relationship I’ve ever been in has compared with how fervently I loved my first love, who was also my first serious adult relationship. I loved her so much it was unhealthy.
We dated for about four years, then split up rather unexpectedly. It took me several years to get over it, even going through another two serious relationships in the meantime. A new relationship doesn’t just erase the experience and the pain. Distract for a time, maybe, but it’s still there until you work it out.
I think different people accept the loss of a relationship differently. I’m a big ol’ nerdy nerd so I had to do it intellectually: I started mapping out what the relationship was actually like versus how I felt it was like. I was surprised to gradually discover it was toxic as hell. I began to see how the ex I loved and practically worshipped was also immature, noncommutative, and manipulative. I also saw their positive attributes for what they were and that, despite my brain screaming at me I’d never find someone like that again, they were actually pretty common. That’s when I really started to understand that my ex was a regular person just like anyone else and I had put her on a pedestal. The intense feelings of longing and loss then gradually subsided with time, especially as these realizations caused me to stop thinking about her as often and especially to stop fantasizing about seeing her again or even getting back together. It wasn’t just that I no longer had the desire to see her again - I actively wanted to never see her again. She was awful.
That’s just my experience, hopefully to give you some additional perspective. I’m an open book if you have any questions.
Thanks for your insight! I do look at the relationship now and see that we were both exceptionally flawed people and there’s baggage from that relationship (unrelated to this) that I’ve had to take care of. I’ve done what I can to map it out because I’m also quite similar in that regard, but it just keeps feeling like dead end after dead end. We weren’t the best to each other, but we certainly weren’t horrible people just young and dumb. I have had to deal with not placing her on a pedestal though.
Someone else said it may be me still trying to process the unexpected failure of the relationship rather than longing for the person themselves, and I think it could be a good lead for further analysis. It feels like a good idea as a lot of my what ifs towards her are about what could’ve gone differently or what may go differently if there’s a second chance. But contrary to some of the people here, I don’t really want a second chance. My ex kinda hated weed and i smoke it daily. She didn’t like smokers and well my cigarette consumption is down but my nicotine usage is still sky high. I’m not the young, brighteyed kid she played D&D with but someone who’s been hardened by time and paranoia (im in cybersecurity, it comes with the territory). I know it wouldn’t work now for the same reasons it didn’t work then. And understanding that the loss of the relationship was neither of our faults but just poor circumstances that were largely unavoidable (although i did try).
