Gotta keep it vague for privacy but the key details should be enough. We first met through a dating app. It didn’t work out. We remained friends. Became best friends. They fell on terribly hard times. They moved in with me. Sleeping on the couch was not good for the long term. We now share a bed, and eventually went halvesies on a new bigger one. We became very close over the past few years. I love my best friend. Sometimes do non intercourse sexish things but have no interest in a relationship. Hard times are likely to continue due to external problems that despite our best efforts, will not likely go away. I’d never kick them out, it would be on the level of hurting a puppy. What kind of monster would do that? I have been wanting a relationship but it would be awkward to have to explain all this to any new partners. I can’t even imagine how my friend would take it. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice our relationship just so I can start dating again. A room in the apartment is vacant now and they could move into that one but I dread broaching the topic to them. I don’t know how they’re going to react and no matter what happens I want to keep this person in my life. We’re getting older and there’s no guarantee that the “hard times” will go away. It might even last the rest of our lives. I don’t know what to do. I can’t face the reality that they might leave rather than watch me do my own thing. How do I have my cake and eat it too?
Someone will get hurt, there’s no avoiding that. But you should not sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of not hurting your friend. Sometimes we need to be a bit selfish in life.
GTFO
Chill, his best friend is Canadian. Butt stuff is just their way of being friendly.
You don’t
You have lived with diffuse boundaries for some time and are now reaping the penalties. You can and should proceed with care and grace as you implement boundaries and define roles to move to where you want to be but it is absolutely foolish to think that it will not be at least a little hurtful to your pseudo partner.
they will implement their boundaries in response to changes you are proposing; you have to respect these. If they chose to leave and tell you to fuck off then you have learned a valuable lesson in why you shouldn’t let boundaries be so diffuse for so long through so many changing contexts.
It’s not realistic (usually) to expect you to know everything you need and want from a relationship up front but when contexts change you need to clarify what is and is not okay. If you’re okay with keeping it casual after things don’t work out that’s fine but make sure they’re aware. If they suddenly have to move in consider the boundaries of the situation again: are they still cool with keeping it casual? Are they now that you share a bed? Are they now that you’ve purchased a bed together?
If you’re the one that wants it casual and wants the door open for new relationships it’s your responsibility to make sure your partner is aware of where you stand. One could say your friend/partner is foolish for assuming you’ve changed where you stand, and they’d have a valid point, but one could also say that you’ve been very misleading here. Boundaries need to be enforced and they need to be occasionally reviewed as contexts change, otherwise they fade away
All very valid, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I just feel terrible and upset about creating this situation. I, perhaps we, did let the lines blur, I don’t blame either one of us for it. Convenience and familiarity dropped our guard. We were there for each other when we needed it but in hindsight it was foolish to let things go past physical barriers or maybe even emotionally without considering the future. At the time they moved in it was supposed to be temporary, I did miss that detail in my post. That’s no longer the case but we never revisited the topic of where things stand. It’s obvious to me now that I must say something. Thanks for your response.
My only advice is to not try to avoid pain here.
Boundaries get blurred when we try to avoid causing short term pain.
You need to accept that this situation will involve pain to change. If you act out a policy of causing no pain, you will be stuck because every path out of this involves pain.
Life is messy and boundaries blur. Boundaries in relationships aren’t static things and can change. Just keep talking and it and it’s will be fine. You might not get exactly what you want but it will be better in the long run
Eat your best friend op.
How do I have my cake and eat it too?
Better say it with full context:
Eat the friend, then you can keep the cake./s (for the faint of heart)
Gotcha haha did not thought people would take it seriously.
Or try having a relationship with your friend? A relationship is basically a good friendship with shared responsibilities (and sex, if you’ve got the time). You’re almost there already.
Who doesn’t have the time?
Ace people, I would assume, but don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth.
I don’t think it’s a matter of time though. 2 minutes tops.
This is already a relationship. A non-sexual one, but still. Even a very strong one.
In a relationship, when the two are on such different levels (as indicated somewhat as “hard times”), then a crisis is unavoidable, sooner or later.
You want to do your own thing. That is very OK and normal. Just be prepared that the way out is going to hurt, for a while.
I’ve been avoiding it because it will probably hurt us both but reading through these responses I am beginning to see that you’re right. Thanks for responding.
You could contextualize the conversation by bringing up how you met and having a retrospective discussion about how and why it didn’t work out romantically.
Maybe ask them if they’ve considered or are interested in seeing other people. This will let you gauge how they feel about it and the current state of your relationship, and also give you an opportunity to bring up how you feel.
Then, the conversation isn’t just about you seeing other people but about what’s best for the both of you.
I’m usually on the “no, that girl who smiled at you because she’s a friendly person didn’t lead you on” side, but you bought a bed together and do sex stuff, even if you haven’t had actual sex…
That doesn’t mean you owe them forever, or even now, but you’re a big part of the reason for their emotions here.
Start by broaching the separate beds, IMO. Then give a little time before dating, if you want to minimize pain.
So, when’s the wedding?
I can’t help but notice you didn’t say anything about how your potential new partner might feel about this. Perhaps you didn’t think it was relevant, but that’s a huge blind spot if you haven’t considered it.
Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Things would definitely have to change before I started dating. I think what I didn’t consider is how long it might take to make those changes. That I couldn’t just jump into it now that I’m feeling ready.
I can’t even imagine how my friend would take it.
OK, OK, time out. You haven’t tried talking with them about it? If you have as strong a mutual (platonic(ish?)) relationship with them as you say you do, then it should be able to survive a serious conversation about your shared future, especially if you emphasize that you want to try to keep them in your life in a major way like this.
That conversation will probably be hard, and I really can’t think of a solution that would feel perfect if I were in your shoes, but I would sure as hell rather have that conversation than the “I made a decision, and here is how you will be impacted” one, or the “I kept my life on hold because I was worried how you might react to talking about it” one.
I don’t know your personality or your friend’s personality, so I can’t promise that you will sort it all out without emotions running high, or what the ultimate outcome of such a conversation will be.
But jeez, bud, you’ve GOT to be able to have serious talks with people whom you trust and care about.
I guess I am a bit of a coward. I do appreciate the comment. It’s a good point.
You seem like a caring person, so perhaps this will help guide decision-making. When you make major decisions that deeply impact another person, or even just get real far in evaluating options and imagining outcomes, asking strangers, etc…when you do these things without communicating with the other person at all, the end result is you protecting yourself, not them. Even if it feels like you’re carefully considering their interests.
No matter your intentions, if you’re not communicating with them and letting them participate in big decisions that affect you both, you are not acting in their best interests. There are many times (like abuse) when that is 100% the right approach, but you need to be very clear eyed about that choice to remove the other person’s agency. The way you’re going about this protects you at their expense, and in this situation it sounds kind of cruel, rather than justified. I’m not judging you harshly, your intentions seem good, but you need to understand that this is not a loving way to treat an adult.
I can just confirm that. I was a coward once (see my other comment) and it made me miserable and cost me a 7 year relationship. I don’t exactly know if having the talk earlier would have saved the relationship but it would definitely have made the breakup less ugly.
Your cowardice is likely the result of psychological trauma.
You need to think of this as an opportunity to heal some trauma, using this situation as the path into that healing.
My advice is get a good therapist. Preferably one who’s been practicing since the 1990s or earlier.
I have so many questions, but some of the more important ones:
- Is this person of the opposite gender (of whatever gender you’re supposed to be attracted to)? I assume so, but do correct me otherwise.
- What does this person think of the nature of your relationship with them? Are you two clear that it’s plutonic?
- How could you share a bed and not develop feelings?
- You care so much about this person, how much does this person care about you?
Bit of a different take from many of the other comments.
Relationships don’t have to be the way they are traditionally. You don’t have to be monogamous. You can be in two relationships, one of which is romantic, one of which is a strong friendship with sexual aspects. It’d be under the polyamory umbrella. There’s plenty of potential partners out there who are ok with or would even want this kind of a constellation.
The very important caveat though: even more so than in any other kind of close relationship, this requires a LOT of communication. You need to clarify with your best friend what kind of a relationship it is that you have. You don’t have to label it, but you have to figure out together what you want from each other and what your boundaries are. The latter includes what kind of relationships you’re ok with the other one having with someone else. Then, when you date someone else, you have to have the same conversations and be open about your other relationship(s). I’d be upfront about the latter, the former can happen over time.
If none of this sounds like something you’d want, that’s of course perfectly valid. The point stands though that you need to clarify with each other what you want from your relationship and what your boundaries and needs are. This might mean having to change your relationship dynamic.
Some context: my best friend and I are super close and find each other sexually attractive, but aren’t romantically interested in each other. We’ve talked about that and keep checking in. We’ve done some second base things and cuddled. I now have a partner that’s decidedly monogamous. Now, I might still lightly cuddle with my best friend, but we wouldn’t kiss anymore. Those are all boundaries that had to be talked through.
That’s not something I was ever considering. I’m definitely monogamous, and attracted to the opposite gender yes. While I know I can still love my friend and have a romantic partner, I couldn’t still share a bed or cuddle without feeling like it was cheating. We’re going to have to create boundaries, it was hard for me to think about and will be difficult to implement but it’s the right thing to do. Thanks for the response.
It’s a good, important step that you know this about yourself. But yeah, for both of your long term happiness, as well as for your friendship, it’ll be very important to talk about the kind of relationship you have. Even if it’s super tough and mightn’t have the outcome you’d like. But the resentment it would inevitably breed if you couldn’t date because you don’t know where you stand with your friend wouldn’t be healthy for your friendship. Maybe it’s easier to not do it all at once?
Either way, your situation sounds tough. Best of luck to the both of you!
What in the world? You are in a relationship with them. You can’t live with, sleep in the same bed with, be best friends with, and do sexual stuff with someone and not be in a relationship! What do you think a relationship is?!
You say you don’t want a relationship with them but what on Earth would you change if you entered into a “relationship” with them? Just your perspective and a label from the sounds of it.
I feel as though you need to reassess where you’re actually at in this. Think about what a relationship means to you and why this person cannot fit that role for you.
And above all, you need to talk to them about this and ask if they think you’re in a relationship. Because you might need to “break up” with them regardless of how you feel about it
Yeah, best friend? What the hell, i wish i had that kinda relations with my best friends…
Have you asked them if they would want that? Serious question.
Edit: sometimes I think we are too shy when it comes to telling our friends about our feelings and wishes and too judgemental when they tell us theirs. Why does knowing something intimate about each other have to be awkward? I’d rather have them tell me something I don’t want to fulfill than find out after 20 years that there’s something we both wanted and never talked about.
As the old saying goes: “BROJOB! BROJOB! CHOOCHOO!”
Don’t let your dreams be dreams
Had a “relationship” like this with my ex. Lots of “sexish” things, dates, furniture building together, inside jokes to denote “drop everything, it’s cuddle time”. First week we met after a long time of no-contact (we dated, broke it up, then she reached out after a few years and we started working together) we locked so hard in deep conversation, that we almost burned the house down (we left a pot of boiling soup on the stove; then remembered about it a few times and conciously decided not to check it because we were feeling so great talking). We thought “oh we are just talking for 10 mins, it’s fineeee” when that shit went on for hours.
Yet it “wasn’t a relationship” after it fell apart. That shit ruins a person. I basically felt gaslit hard, questioning my sanity, the choices I made. Still trying to recover really
I considered making an alt account for this but couldn’t find a server that let me do so without waiting for approval so whatever.
I’ve been in a very similar situation. Good friend hit a rough patch, moved in with me, a relationship developed but at the same time I knew I’d want to see other people.
The most important thing here is definitely communication. You say you don’t know how they would take it so I assume you’ve never talked about this. So I urge you to talk to them as soon as possible. If you can, do it today. Don’t fall into the trap of waiting too long. I’ve learned that the hard way in a previous relationship where my partner and I had very different plans for the future and, not wanting to upset them, I waited for a good time to bring it up. Guess what, having something so important in the back of your head will strain your relationship to a point where there is no good time to bring it up.
If you don’t want to scare them, start with hypotheticals like “how would you feel if I decided to see other people?” then work your way up. Be gentle but be honest. Tell them that wanting to see other people doesn’t mean you love them less or that they are not enough. For me, comparing it to other things I love like a favorite food or hobby worked well. Let’s say I love cheeseburgers to the point that my friends call me the cheeseburger guy. No matter how much I love cheeseburgers, sometimes I need something else. Eating a pizza doesn’t mean I don’t love cheeseburgers anymore and I would never want to stop eating cheeseburgers. Just make sure they know you’re not comparing them to a cheeseburger unless they’re into that.
Find out what they want. Best case, they are in the exact same situation as you and are just as afraid to tell you they want to see someone. Not that likely but possible. Maybe they are okay with you seeing someone but don’t want anyone else for themselves. Maybe they want to change your relationship in a way where both of you are happy being momogamous. And maybe it turns out that your plans just aren’t compatible. Be prepared for that. Think about if you’d rather give up on your plans or on your friend. Both is fine, it’s your life. Not talking about your wishes doesn’t make you more compatible, it just builds tension until things go spectacularly wrong.
And most importantly, respect their wishes. If they tell you that they don’t want you to date other people, that’s absolutely valid. Don’t try to persuade them and for the love of everything, don’t do it behind their back. Either don’t date other people or make sure to end the kind of relationship you have at the moment. Hopefully you can stay friends.
Finally, about that other thing you mention, other potential partners not accepting that you have someone you share your home and even bed with. Don’t worry too much about it. When I started dating again, I noticed that there are surprisingly many people out there who are totally fine with being open, poly or whatever you want to call it. Especially on dating apps. I don’t know about Tinder but OkCupid even lets you filter for that. Just be honest about it.
