Hello. For context, I am in a university. I do not have any friends, and it feels like colleagues talk bad about me. This makes me quite hesitant to join any circles or attend seminars. I am not sure it is everyone who thinks bad about me though, I fear about asking. Yet I plan to do research, so I should attend seminars to learn current trends and stuffs. May I ask what I should do in such a situation? Are friends necessary, or not really? Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead? Thanks for reading lengthy paragraph, I would love any comments or advice for this.

  • LainTrain@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    2 months ago

    You do not need friends to attend seminars no. In first world civilized countries most people snicker behind your back and behind closed doors but they will not actively do anything to break the peace.

    Normies will ostracize you for everything that does not fall within extremely rigid highly defined bounds of acceptable, it does not matter if you are nice or not, once you have become the subject of jokes it’s all it’ll ever be. I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

    I am neurodivergent and LGBT and I have learned the hard way there is no fitting in with normal people and even if you did - there is no trusting them, it’s best to not concern yourself with them and simply carry on with your work. If you feel like you must have social connections it’s best to find people who are similar.

      • Deceptichum@quokk.au
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        2 months ago

        Okay, well I’ll try to answer your questions as directly as possible.

        Attending seminars to learn about current interests is a very clinical approach, that won’t ever really capture what those trends are and you will appear to be even more of an outsider imitating the ‘insiders’. I personally wouldn’t recommend it, maybe try looking to find a group hobby that you can do with other people (DnD, walking, photography, book club, sports, etc).

        Are friends necessary, or not really?

        Necessary is subjective. But at least for me I find having some social connections I can talk with helps, and is overall a net positive on my quality of life. Also good friends can end up being with you for life, certainly a good investment.

        Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead?

        That depends, why are you in University? If it’s purely for academic learning, just focus on your studies. If it’s to gain life experiences as well, go out and seek people. If it’s neither, and you can’t think of any other reason to be in such an environment than maybe a job would be a good change.

        • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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          2 months ago

          I want to do research, that is why I am in the uni. Problem is, network effect is strong in academia, so being isolated is not great for that…

          • Maeve@kbin.earth
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            2 months ago

            Are there any clubs that hold interest for you? Chess club, book club, drama club, small local bands? What kind of research? Anything pertaining to that?

            Fanfic? Scifi? Creative writing?

  • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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    2 months ago

    I just read the rules, does this post break rule 3? Where is the better place to ask this question?

    • neidu2@feddit.nl
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      2 months ago

      Don’t think so. I’m not a mod on this board, but if I was, I’d say it’s OK - you ask a genuine question about approaches to a social situation, which should be all good.

  • xmunk@sh.itjust.works
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    2 months ago

    Ostracized and isolated are two very different things, do you think there’s an intent that’s actively excluding you or are you welcome but personally uncomfortable forming social bonds?

    • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      That’s the issue, I don’t know if they are actively warding me off or are just ambivalent. At least I am not welcome, that is for sure.

    • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      Oh, does RSD symptom include the illusory hearing about badmouthing? That aside, I do think only some actively participates in badmouthing behavior, and many might be ambivalent. I am not sure about this, though.

      • InvisibleShoe@lemmy.world
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        2 months ago

        I don’t know about illusory hearing as related to RSD but I do know that I had similar issues most of my life.

        I used to think people were looking at me, talking about me and sometimes thought that they could hear/guess my thoughts. Started when I was a kid. Found out it was ASD-1 and a brain tumor causing alot of the issues.

        And the only way I found out about that was by going to the doctor. I really do recommend speaking to a doctor about these issues and you might be surprised with what they find and how much better you feel once you can get the right therapy.

        • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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          2 months ago

          Thanks, I see that it could be related. That said, I’ve spoken about this issue to many doctors and psychiatrists, and it did not help - doctors just raised dosage, and psychiatrists told me to actually talk with people. Problem is, with my social anxiety, it is so difficult to talk with people…

          • birbs@lemmy.world
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            2 months ago

            Perhaps you could try friend-finding apps such as Bumble BFF? You’re likely to find others there in a similar position to yourself. It also focuses on 1 on 1 which should be a little easier to manage with social anxiety.

    • protist@mander.xyz
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      2 months ago

      Psychotherapy does not particularly help patients with RSD because the emotions hit suddenly and completely overwhelm the mind and senses.

      Hard disagree from me, dawg. Rejection sensitivity is a super common target behavior in psychotherapy treatments like DBT and RODBT, and it’s super treatable with those modalities. This article saying “only drugs work” is uninformed and misleading

      • InvisibleShoe@lemmy.world
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        2 months ago

        Thats why I said to speak to a GP or psych. In Australia, the GP is first line for diagnosis who then refers you on to psychologist or psychiatrist.

        I’m just suggesting that based on what OP said, RSD could be a possibility and they should see a doctor for help if they are serious about improving their mental health etc.

        • protist@mander.xyz
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          2 months ago

          I agree with all that, I just don’t agree with William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA. I tried to look up the “LF-APA” credential, btw, because I’ve never heard of it, and William Dodson appears to be the only person on the internet who has it. Anyone know what it indicates?

    • scarabine@lemmynsfw.com
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      2 months ago

      This is what springs to mind for me as well. OP, you should try to remember this: the people around you are not as concerned with you as they are their own lives. And their own lives are probably pretty intense for them to deal with!

      • Understanding other people’s lives might have intensity you don’t know about or understand is empathy. Displaying empathy will help you establish bonds with others and this is a good place to start.
      • Say they do ostracize and dislike you. So what? Can they really even do anything about it? Should you even care? Probably not. It probably doesn’t matter at all. So you’ll have to deal with it for now, but they’ll move on and so will you.
  • neidu2@feddit.nl
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    2 months ago

    What gives you the impression that others are badmouthing you? In cases like this, O have come to realize that it mostly boils down to indifference. People have their own lives and social circles to pay attention to, and as such their interactions with you would be neutral, which can seem cold.

    If the above is the case, you’re not ostracized, you just haven’t found anyone to connect with (yet). I suggest you attend events, and hopefully you’ll get to know someone better.

    • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      It comes from that I hear people talking bad about me. Like, saying that I am a freak (or similar).

      • Maeve@kbin.earth
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        2 months ago

        Wow. People can be so cruel. Have you heard them say why they feel this way?

          • Maeve@kbin.earth
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            2 months ago

            That’s savage. It’s hard to address an issue if you don’t know what it is. Any ideas?

            People often dislike and fear what they don’t understand. Self-care is really important, regular bathing and other hygiene (you’re worth caring about). Also, walk with head high and shoulders back. Take up space. Use the central sidewalk, central doors. You’re as worthy as anyone. To put it another way, don’t dim your light so others seem brighter. If there are personal thought, word, deed habits that need addressing, be honest with yourself and address them. I don’t know you, so I can’t say.

            • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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              2 months ago

              Thanks! I suspect that it continues from my high school and uni days where I was belittled a lot. The momentum is hard to overcome. That said, that people talking bad about me right now can be an illusion.

              • Maeve@kbin.earth
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                2 months ago

                You’re very welcome. I just glanced at your post history. You’re hella smart. Way smarter than me. I’m sure most of your posts are way over my head, but I think we should stretch for our reach to exceed our grasp. Thus, I’m “following” you. Maybe I’ll learn from you.

                • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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                  2 months ago

                  Thanks for kind words, I’d say my smartness is just that I took tons of time to learn. You can learn lots of knowledge given time, even math! Tho indeed, not everyone has time for learning, so it is okay to not know something! :)

      • neidu2@feddit.nl
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        2 months ago

        Unless you can think of what could’ve caused this, I suggest you attend the seminars. If someone there doesn’t like you just because you’re you, that’s their problem.

        You won’t like everyone you’ll ever meet. And not everyone you meet will like you. And sometimes there will be actual dislike in the mix. It’s just how life is.

  • lady_maria@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    it feels like colleagues talk bad about me.

    What makes you say that? It’s pretty likely that’s just your anxiety talking.

    I’m not exactly the most social—or even socially competent—person, but I know friends are important to have, especially if you don’t have family you can lean on. Friends can balance you out and provide alternate perspectives when you need them, and we all need them sometimes.

    Also, I’m pretty sure having (good) friends is beneficial for your mental health. Having no friends can be detrimental to it.

    Regardless of what you decide, I suggest putting yourself out there. Start slowly, and ask people about themselves. It can very difficult and stressful at first, but it does get easier over time.

    It might be a good idea to make a pros/cons list for staying/getting a job; I’m sure there are other important factors to consider aside from the social climate.

    • someacnt_@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      I feel people are badmouthing me since I am hearing words like weirdo, freak, or disabled. It can be illusory, but I do think I hear them. It’s that my parents and psychiatrists say it cannot be real, so I might be mistaking something.

      • whoareu@lemmy.ca
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        2 months ago

        you are hearing voices and believe that people are talking about you. It’s symptoms of schizophrenia. Don’t take it as medical advice rather talk about it with your doctor.

  • half_built_pyramids@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    I recognized I went a little crazy last week with some acquaintances. I’m going to ask them next week if it was ok. It’s hard to ask, but you just gotta do it and own it when it’s on you to improve.

  • Sundial@lemm.ee
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    2 months ago

    What kind of things do you like? Why don’t you find some clubs or groups that you would find interesting?

  • tailiat@lemmy.ml
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    2 months ago

    Please don’t give up on making friends - you just haven’t found your group yet and it may or may not be the same people you’re with in University. See if there’s a group nearby that shares an interest in an activity you enjoy. Give yourself a goal of trying 3 activities/groups and attend a few sessions. It’s sometimes tempting to bail after a single session, so I’d try to stick with it a few times (unless you’re absolutely certain you will never enjoy it).

    As others in this thread have said, most other people are too busy and involved in their own lives to think that much about anyone else, so I suspect your concerns about people talking badly about you are very overblown. Don’t let your insecurities fill in an imaginary void of what other people are thinking.

    Being social is a skill and it takes time to hone, just like any other. You have to put in the time and be willing to put yourself in the vulnerable position of being around new people and accept that you’re going to click with some better than others.

    Friendships are vitally important to our mental health and I hope you don’t give up on forging them. You just haven’t found your circle yet, so keep trying!

  • gencha@lemm.ee
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    2 months ago

    Not sure if this works for you, but when I’m in a socially confusing situation, I involve people. If you think someone is talking bad about you, ask them about it. Ask for guidance. If you ask someone for help, they will often remember it positively. It takes courage to ask for help, as it’s a sign of weakness, and people usually respect that you trust them with your request.

    Ideally it will turn out to be a misunderstanding, or you get some constructive criticism, or you get a confirmation that people are actually talking bad about you. At least you will have more clarity. If there wasn’t really anything bad going on, now you’re still in a conversation. Even if you say thanks and end the conversation, you’ve broken the ice with that person.

    Friends are very much necessary. You need people in your environment, other than your family, to exchange ideas with and talk about things that are on your mind. Don’t try to substitute friends with online relationships. It will never be equal. Finding local people with similar interests online is fine if that helps you to reach out. You can’t force making friends, it’s a waste of time. Start with making one friend. Quality over quantity

  • Azzu@lemm.ee
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    2 months ago

    If you’re autistic: social settings have a plethora of unwritten rules that you have to follow to not seem weird to non-autistic people. Without knowing exactly why anyone would be badmouthing you, it’s likely that you already violated dozens of them without knowing it.

    It’s possible to learn it though, I did it through reading about it and carefully observing soap operas scene-by-scene, watching every movement they make, every way they express themselves, guessing the purpose and seeing the effects.

    The quickest way to learn is by having someone with the necessary skills observe you and giving you pointers, but this is hard to do apparently since you have no one you can trust?

    I could help, but to help you, one really needs much more and much more specific information about your situation.

  • NaibofTabr@infosec.pub
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    2 months ago

    Are friends necessary, or not really?

    Unless you are independently wealthy, you will need the support of other people in your life. This is not avoidable - you must learn to live and work with other humans, and hopefully also enjoy their company.

    The good news is that social skills are a thing that you can learn like any other skill. There are books about it, but the trouble with that is (1) advice in the book is cultural context dependent, and therefore most applicable in the time and place where the book was written, and (2) reading a book is an inherently non-social activity, and therefore not really contributing to developing the skill.

    The best way to learn social skills is through observation and practice - which means that you will have to put yourself in situations that feel uncomfortable, until you learn enough that you become comfortable. This is a lot like learning to ride a bike - you feel clumsy, unsteady and slow at first but if you keep doing it you learn to stay balanced, and eventually it feels natural. You have to push yourself past the point of discomfort.

    • RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world
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      2 months ago

      you must learn to live and work with other humans

      That is not anywhere near the same as being friends with them.

      I think whether or not friends are necessary depends on the person. People who are extroverted will feel like friends are a necessity. Meanwhile, introverts like me, are perfectly happy to be by themselves. Some introverts may want to have friends but only minimally or in small amounts, others are fine without them at all.

      Introverts do not always lack social skills, its just that social interaction is exhausting. Telling someone to push past this may not be possible. Not everyone needs to be an extrovert, the only people that say that or think that way are extroverts. And, unfortunately for us introverts, the majority of people are some level of extrovert.

  • Owl@mander.xyz
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    2 months ago

    Are you a boring person ? I’m in a similar situation and prety much figured out that his was the issue