I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.
Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.
Dude just whip it out. Let it flap in the breeze.
i dont
If you’re willing to DM a D&D group, you can probably find people who want to play.
That’s not a bad idea, but how do you actually meet these people and offer to run a game?
The best option is to find an rpg/board game store near you and just post an ad on their cork board - the internet can also work but you’ll usually end up needing to vet players much more.
This is exactly right.
There’s always a chronic imbalance of people willing to DM vs people wanting to play. I think that’d be a great way for you to meet new people.
There’s a few (paid) sites to find games, but read the rules make up a story and roll dice in discord
Social events like bars and raves are an option. You’ll find people who just want to get shit faced, but also social people. Volunteer work has a lot of people you can interact with and eventually become friends with. Game places are another option as mentioned. Video games as well. If you have a dog, parks are a way to start conversations and meet people.
I’ve made a lot of IRL friends online and at work.
If you’re between jobs, consider doing something like Americorps. People of all ages do it, not just young folks, and its temporary. I think of it as summer camp for adults, but you get paid and in some cases housing.
Back in 2017 I was super into VR. IDK what the communities are like now, back then the demographics were older, but I got a big social fix from it. An oculus quest 2 or 3 is affordable. Almost all the best games are social, “face to face” talking. It’s like having a public arcade in your closet.
I made the most friends back in 2011 by posting art online and commenting on other artists’ things. People love chatting about their hard work. I ended up meeting loads of them in person. If you can find a space of creatives, whether it’s a bluegrass club, DND, discord book club, whatever, you’ll have a good time.
And, don’t beat yourself up about being lonely. Life moves in cycles. Remember, it just takes meeting one extrovert to suddenly gain a crap ton of friends. Or, maybe you’ll collect them one by one. Regardless, I feel you. Be well.
Join a “fun league” sports team, take a community arts course, go to church, work for a volunteer organization, just to name a few ideas.
Nextdoor.com is mostly a shitshow. But I’ve had good luck asking the locals for recommendations on local businesses and community activities and events.
Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you’re volunteering you’re more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you’re super rural).
Even if you don’t meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I’ve ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).
First, you start a cult…
If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn’t have this issue, lol.
then join one!
So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.
That’s the neat part.
Most of the friends I’ve made after age 22 were people I worked with or people I met through dating apps. We’d go out and decide we didn’t want to date, but we liked each other enough to form friendships. The friend who I’m hanging out with next week is a former coworker. The one I’m slated to hang with after that is also a former coworker. But only two of the jobs yielded good friendships. Other places that I worked I might go to lunch with certain people, but nothing lasting came of it because I had a long commute to work and they lived in that area.
Others already suggested meetup and I know a friend had success with that. Or join hiking groups or amateur sport groups maybe like disk golf? Good luck!
Organized hobbies have been the key for me. Gives me a place to go, forces me to be minimally social, but can allow for multiple events so the pressure is reduced to make the most of every outing. Plus you have something else you’re enjoying. Everyone’s recommendations of sports or gaming falls right in line with this. But I have other hobbies I love like woodworking that I can find places to take classes and meet people. The other benefit is the more you do it the more you get used to be out among people again and it can be less awkward/anxiety inducing.
So first of all let me tell you that it does indeed depend on where you live. So it would have been very useful information if you had stated where you live. Since you didn’t state it, I assume it’s in the US, since for some reason, people in the US never seem to see the need to state that they live in the US (not all of us do).
Secondly, I really am sorry for your situation. There’s a lot of wrong things with society. One of those things is that it’s difficult to meet new people. Another, in my opinion, just as bad thing, is that one has to drive. Basically, people didn’t drive before 1800. Driving is the exception in history. I don’t see how or why people think these days that it’s completely normal to drive, or to have to drive. This has nothing to do with your post, but it’s still something that I’m thinking about. Sorry for the random side-rant.
Thirdly, I have found that it’s often best to search for like-minded people, and just randomly go to them, say to them “hey, can I sit with you”, wait a few seconds, and if they agree, sit down and just say “hi” and “i’m [insert name] and i’m from [insert location] and i’m looking for [insert any random hobby or activity you like]”. most people react by either agreeing or declining, and such is life.
Me too! I live across the world but I feel this is more and more of a problem in a world that people only want to stay online.
I thought about creating some game group for 40yos in some simple game that allow everyone to chat… but I didn’t knew anyone to begin it🤣
