He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Locking this post because you’ve got a ton of advice and some people are dangerously close to excusing pedophillia.
It is absolutely weird for someone in their 40s to date someone who is not even 18 yet, but he’s a grown man and you don’t control his choices. If I were you I would get out of there as soon as possible and go low contact but that’s just my opinion.
socially weird for sure, but honestly if it’s legal and they’re both happy, why care? besides, he’s supportive of you, so why not at least do the same to him?
Really there’s not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There’s a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it’s a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn’t always as black and white as we would like it to be.
I’ll come right out and say the West isn’t necessarily ahead on what a good relationship is. Outside of maybe traditional rural areas our extended families are fucked. Some of the people we idolise are openly toxic. The few ideas there are about what makes a good partner are far too abstract and emphasis short-term attributes over lasting compatibility.
Lasting compatibility is the main problem I see here, too, although I’m hardly old enough to confidently comment. A 17 year old’s life and worldview are going to change in a million ways over the next decade. Even relationships with other 17 year olds tend not to last, but then there’s a mutuality to the growing up and going separate ways.
the general acceptable rule is half your age +7 years.
so 24+7 = 31
no I didn’t make this “rule”, but it is generally accepted in society. but of course every place is different and has different norms.
That’s…gross…
The age difference is pretty much the difference between me (49) and my S.O’s daughter (18); a girl who I very much think of as a step-daughter.
Being legal means you can’t really do anything. But morally it absolutely should change the way people see your father, and rightly so. He’s a pedo, plain and simple. When the age difference is so large (31 years), the 365 days difference between 16 and 17 doesn’t make any difference from a moral perspective.
I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
Try to see things from his perspective.
He’s old and probably won’t get a chance like this again. If he didn’t take it, he could end up regretting it for the rest of his life.
He’s his own man. He wasn’t put here to meet your expectations. Since you’re 19, he’s likely already done his job of raising you.
I used to be sympathetic for the young ladies getting involved with older men, but experience has taught me that most of them are well aware of the implications and choose to go along with it anyways.
He’s old and probably won’t get a chance like this again.
the chance to be a pedophile?
I mean morally is bad but if you try to push then to break up this will turn into a marriage. If it’s about the money…well it’s his money he coud go and buy a sports car but he got a young girlfriend. Idk where a 48yo meets a 17yo and “just happens” but it is what it is. Let him do what he wants and monitor the situation.
They met on 1 May when both of them were having a barbecue/picnic out in nature in the same area, as it’s the custom on that day.
Do not fall for Tumblr/twitter discourse, leave your dad alone until you leave, don’t do anything.
The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner
They could even just lie about it. Pretend for a week or two and watch the dads skin crawl and they can wallow in their own hypocrisy
48 / 2 + 7 = 31
Anything below that is morally questionable.
He probably mistook +7 with -7. Classic mix-up!
What to do?
You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.
Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.
It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.
Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
You have no other options.
- It is legal inn your country
- She is happy
- He is happy
- Those that matter to her are happy
- You still have a roof over your head
- You still have a safe place
- You still have your dad
I’m calling it, If anyone tries to break them up he will marry her.
Fuck off with the whole ‘providing shelter makes this shit passable’ crap. Gross.
I agree with some of this but not so much with these parts:
I suggest it is time for you to grow up some.
No reason to treat OP like a child. This post is more of an “off my chest” than anything else. It sounds to me like that already accept most of what you said, but just need to process it.
if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
Would it? I’m not American. Would it be socially and ethically acceptable for a 40-something man to date an 18 years old girl? I’m skeptical of that. OP started their post pointing out it’s not about legality.
Your father is […] providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same.
That’s not fair, for many reasons. First, I didn’t get the impression that OP actively tried to sabotage the relationship, just probed at how it happened and maybe expressed that it makes them feel uncomfortable, though we don’t even know that for sure. That’s not the same as “not providing a safe space”. For all we know, OP’s dad might also be uncomfortable with a queer relationship but swallows it up - same as OP is doing.
Where I do agree with you is that OP’s only remaining option is to accept that this relationship is happening. And I think OP already knew that before posting this.
You should probably talk to him about your mom’s death to make sure this isn’t a rebound, because otherwise there’s a good chance you might have a sibling before any trauma of his gets worked out.
It would depend somehow on the cultural backgrounds. I don’t know their cultural backgrounds, but if in their cultures such age gaps are frowned upon is more than likely that she end up growing out of it. If it’s something normal for their cultures they are more likely to last.
If you have that information you could decide if you want to just wait it out, or not. Wait it out would be easy, just live your life until it ends.
If they are likely to last, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept it or not, or of you can pretend you accept it for the love you have for your dad. If the answer is no, then remove yourself from the situation and live your own life.
I do get the discomfort but what are you “moral” objections? Is it that she too immature to make a decision? Or is it that you think your dad is taking advantage of her?
It’s worth working through why this is a moral issue for you, you’re a bit vague about it. In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
But in Europe adulthood has generally begun at 16, including being able to leave school and work in many places. The voting age is even being extended down to 16 from 18 in some places. So it’s not as clear cut that someone at 16 is not able to make independent decisions as American users sometimes make it seem.
Having said that, I personally don’t like the idea but more pragmatically for the age difference and the maturity difference. She can consent but there is a very significant change in maturity from 17 to 25, and I’m not sure how viable a relationship someone who is 48 can have with someone who is 17.
I think they are both adults and of the age of consent. You can express your concerns to your dad but ultimately it is both of their decisions and you should stay out of it beyond that (unless there are other issues that arise). I wouldn’t go too far judging him beyond that - he will be your dad for the rest of your life. If you had a best friend who was 17 and in a relationship with a 48 year old, you might express your opinion but would you interfere beyond that? Probably not - this should probably be the same.
In Europe the age of consent is variable but 16 is common, and it can be a bit jarring when you see the reactions of Americans to anyone under 18.
Many Americans would be surprised to learn that it varies by state in the USA as well, and the relationship described in the OP wouldn’t be a crime in many states.
I don’t think 18 would be any less creepy in this scenario. Creepy doesn’t always mean immoral, but it’s usually exploitative for a 48 year old man to date a teenager, and it’s reasonable that OP is concerned about it.
Honestly when you put it like that I think my moral objections are shaped by what I read online. Like I asked this on Reddit too and people told me to go no contact with my dad cause he’s a pedophile (I don’t want to go no contact with him cause I love him). I can’t really state a personal “why” reason for moral objections. I know my dad is a good man and wouldn’t hurt anyone intentionally.
Sometimes good people do not-so good things. As to the reason, no idea. You know him better than we do. This sounds like a really uncomfortable situation and I don’t know that there is much you can do aside from telling him you don’t support the relationship. Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. It sucks now but things get better in time. I doubt the relationship will last anyway.
