He’s 48, the girl is 17. Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay. They’ve been dating for a few months now. I only found out about it recently when he started bringing her home to spend the night (I’m 19 and live with him). Dad’s been widowed since 2023. Her parents know and support this relationship - heard it straight from their mouth when they came to visit. My family believes the girl is a gold digger so she’s the one in the wrong. My dad and I are very close, he’s always been an amazing dad, supports me in every way a person can be supported… I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this… I talked to both him and the girl, he says it’s just something that happened (he didn’t go looking for it); she says she loves being spoilt and how “chill” my dad is (she characterized the relationship as a cold day in bed under the warm covers). I don’t really know what I’m looking to hear honestly, but I want to talk about it.
Locking this post because you’ve got a ton of advice and some people are dangerously close to excusing pedophillia.
It is absolutely weird for someone in their 40s to date someone who is not even 18 yet, but he’s a grown man and you don’t control his choices. If I were you I would get out of there as soon as possible and go low contact but that’s just my opinion.
You’ve talked to your dad about it, there’s nothing you can do. You can express your concern, displeasure, disgust, or whatever about the situation but it’s between them. It’s disgraceful and I’m sorry this is happening.
Go fuck someone older than your dad and make it even
This but unironically
Bring someone with a similar age diff home (just for show, don’t have to actually do anything) and tell him about his hypocrisy when he gets mad
Do not fall for Tumblr/twitter discourse, leave your dad alone until you leave, don’t do anything.
If it’s legal, then you’ve either got to put your morality aside and accept it or remove yourself from the situation. You can’t demand that others alter their behaviour to suit your moral code. There’s a better-than-fair chance that it won’t work out, anyway. She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age, and he will want to do things that she’s not mature enough to process reasonably. If the relationship lasts, then good on them for finding happiness. From a personal point-of-view, I would be weirded out if my dad’s girlfriend was younger than me, too.
She will want to do things that he’s not capable of due to his age.
The fuck…? He’s 48… Not 100 years old. What do you think a 48-year-old is like?
Theres truth in it. Im 37 and I recently lost the ability to stand in crowded and noisy places with people I dont like.
You too huh?
Me three. The level of bullshit I am able to handle ha dropped so much in my 30s! There needs to be an impressively good reason for me to go to a crowded place
I’m 48. A 48 year-old is like me. There’s no way I could keep up with a 17 year-old.
I hate this take. That’s her DAD. It’s not about “altering behaviors to suit my moral code” it’s about her fucking dad is grooming a child and she should say something. I don’t give a flying FUCK what any law says, a 17 yr old girl is a child compared to a 48 year old man. This is gross, and she should definitely say something. Again, not about asserting one’s moral code onto others, it’s about showing up for your family and helping them through bullshit.
I appreciate your response and I don’t think you should be downvoted for it.
I agree that it is gross. As a 48 year-old myself, there is no way that I would date a 17 year-old and I would voice my objection if it were one of my friends or family…
The legality matters because the laws are usually aligned with the moral and ethical standards set by the society to which they apply. The moral and ethical standards in OP’s country are not the same as in mine and I cannot apply my moral standards to their situation.
But that is not the question. The question asked is “what should I do?” not “how do you feel about it?” They stated that they value the relationship with their father, therefore interfering or objecting are not possible without risk to that relationship. That leaves living with it peacefully or living somewhere else as the only two viable options.
As for grooming… Grooming (in this context) is the act of preparing for, not already engaged in, a sexual relationship. This relationship is beyond grooming and, like you said, gross (as seen through my moral lens).
This is the right answer. If you have a problem with the law, work to change the law. If they are consensual adults… it’s really their business.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law. It’s really wild to see how much shame this gets.
I had a very close personal friend describe herself as a “coffin robber”. And I promise they were more than attractive enough to get whomever they wanted within reason. Nor reason to marsh their mallow because it’s not something you personally would do.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
I must disagree with that point of your argument. I’m Nigeria for example, the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 11. Does that mean it would me morally acceptable for OPs dad, were they in Nigeria and not Romania, at 49 to have a sexual relationship with an 11 year old child?
Morality and legality are not the same thing.
In this instance however, if we take OPs dad at face value and it occurred naturally and there’s been no grooming or coersion or external pressure put on the girl then I agree that it’s between two consenting adults. But where does a 17 year old girl and a 49 year old man even meet to have any form of interaction, let alone one that’s evolved into a sexual relationship. I find it hard to believe there wasn’t some level of “courting” where the father has actively persued a relationship with this girl and that raises all sorts of other questions.
There is nothing morally wrong about an age gap between consenting partners within the bounds of the law.
You can’t base morality on the law. That’s just plain wrong.
Were you trying to say “harsh their mellow?”
I rather quite like the marshmallow version.
I agree that the wordplay is more fun, but it paints marshmallows in a negative light, which doesn’t really track.
no, I meant marsh their mellow.
it’s slang for yucking some one else’s yumn.
What to do?
You already did it. I suggest it is time for you to grow up some. People are messy. Even the people you revere are messy.
Your father is putting a roof over your head and providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same. I think it is crazy, but by your own words in your country his relationships are more acceptable than yours.
It sounds to me like both your dad and her are happy. She loves being pampered and he is loving being with a 17 year old. Your extended family is some what correct by labeling her a gold digger, but they are totally full of shit saying the young women is in the wrong. Theirs is a transactional relationship and it sounds to me like they are very honest with each other about it.
Do I think that is a wonky relationship? Sure, but I am not Romanian and truth be told if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
You have no other options.
- It is legal inn your country
- She is happy
- He is happy
- Those that matter to her are happy
- You still have a roof over your head
- You still have a safe place
- You still have your dad
I agree with some of this but not so much with these parts:
I suggest it is time for you to grow up some.
No reason to treat OP like a child. This post is more of an “off my chest” than anything else. It sounds to me like that already accept most of what you said, but just need to process it.
if this were happening in the states it would be totally acceptable if she were 365 days older.
Would it? I’m not American. Would it be socially and ethically acceptable for a 40-something man to date an 18 years old girl? I’m skeptical of that. OP started their post pointing out it’s not about legality.
Your father is […] providing you safe place to have the relationships you want but you are not affording him the same.
That’s not fair, for many reasons. First, I didn’t get the impression that OP actively tried to sabotage the relationship, just probed at how it happened and maybe expressed that it makes them feel uncomfortable, though we don’t even know that for sure. That’s not the same as “not providing a safe space”. For all we know, OP’s dad might also be uncomfortable with a queer relationship but swallows it up - same as OP is doing.
Where I do agree with you is that OP’s only remaining option is to accept that this relationship is happening. And I think OP already knew that before posting this.
Fuck off with the whole ‘providing shelter makes this shit passable’ crap. Gross.
I’m calling it, If anyone tries to break them up he will marry her.
The only way to solve this is by dating someone two years older than him. Bonus points if you get their parents to come over for dinner
They could even just lie about it. Pretend for a week or two and watch the dads skin crawl and they can wallow in their own hypocrisy
I am 50 and I can tell you with absolute certainty, 17 year olds are like children. I work next to a collage campus and even 21 year olds are like children. My niece just turned 27 and she is just in the last couple years actually acting like an adult. I hope your dad has a great time but I doubt it will last unless she really is just a gold digger, looking for a sugar daddy.
more power to them both if that is the case, but your feelings are totally relatable.
48 / 2 + 7 = 31
Anything below that is morally questionable.
He probably mistook +7 with -7. Classic mix-up!
I mean morally is bad but if you try to push then to break up this will turn into a marriage. If it’s about the money…well it’s his money he coud go and buy a sports car but he got a young girlfriend. Idk where a 48yo meets a 17yo and “just happens” but it is what it is. Let him do what he wants and monitor the situation.
They met on 1 May when both of them were having a barbecue/picnic out in nature in the same area, as it’s the custom on that day.
You’re right to be concerned. Something similar happened in my family, and it did not end well at all.
The ages were more like 16 and 36, which is legal here, and her family supported it, but that didn’t stop the grooming accusations. When the relationship failed (which is very likely when one partner has very little life experience), his reputation was ruined. He was severely beaten by other men who thought they were protecting her, and he was effectively run out of town.
However they might feel now, not everyone will see it the same way. This has consequences.
Yes there are always consequences. However, this is the case where personal ethics are routinely projected into others, age gaps are demonised by default the same way how sexual preferences where before the 21st century. But either way, time should show what the result will be.
I’m 34 and my partner is 54, We’ve been together for over 10 years, this is the best and strongest relationship both of us have had, not that I have had many, but my partner has and he says he’s the happiest he’s ever been with me.
17 is young but it isn’t too young (imo), she might be mature for her age and they might work really well together.
Not sure what point I’m trying to make, other than this kind of age gap does not always mean doom and gloom and that your dad could have found someone he could really enjoy being with, and you don’t want to destroy his happiness do you?
Your relationship started 7 years later, that’s a big difference, and your age gap is 20y, theirs is 31 years. And she is younger than his child. Big big differences.
I wish I had found this relationship when I was 17, it would have saved me alot of heartache, though it’s all learning so I don’t dwell on it.
And the age doesn’t matter the slightest to me, 30 years, 20 years, it wouldn’t change who I fell for.
I was 17 with my first partner, who was 34. I also had a parent who failed to protect me, instead “supporting” me, and eager for grandchildren. Yeah, 17 is too young. If you approach it like something risky where people could get hurt, that’s one thing. But trying to pretend like “everyone’s an adult” and that a normal romantic relationship between two equals can develop is super harmful.
We’re all putting our own experiences out there, yours might not have been good, but mine was, so I wanted to share it.
We don’t really have enough reliable information to say what is right and what is wrong here, if he is indeed grooming/manipulating her then of course that is bad, but I didn’t read anything to suggest that either of them are insincere.
I knew exactly what kind of relationship I wanted when I was 17, it took me years to find it, all I’m saying is they could have both found theirs.
Like others have suggested, if they’re legally adults age gap should not be an issue. They’re adults, they’re consenting and, not knowing them it’s hard to say, they seem to be happy together. What’s wrong with that?
I’m queer and being queer in Romania isn’t well received to say the least, but he’s always had my back and I feel safe because of him. Now for him to go and do something like this…
Your intimate life is yours and you are who you are, right? And you’re happy your dad understands that and stands with you? Shouldn’t your dad’s (and his girlfriend’s) intimate life be their own too?
I mean, don’t you think a lot of the homophobic crowd out there would somehow comment in a similar fashion as this, persuaded it’s any of their business:
Yes, their relationship is legal here; legality is not the point, but morality and ethics - I don’t think it’s okay.
Insisting on making it not ok to be queer albeit it’s ok, essentially because they’re unable to question their own certainties and habits, or their ‘morals’?
It is ok to be queer. Never let anyone force you to think it’s not… but then, don’t you wish to be as supportive, and to not be pushing a similar kind of moralistic ‘ideology’ onto people whose preferences and/or partners you may not yourself understand, even when it’s your dad?
That being said, you should feel ok to talk about it, like you seemingly did. But don’t make an issue of what should not be one: it’s their story, not yours.
You’re perfectly fine to not feel happy about it (like, I imagine, a dad may not be happy to realize his son may never have children, just an hypothesis: my spouse and I are more than old enough to be grandparents already, and never had children so ‘perpetuating our name’ was never an obsession with us) but it’s still up to you to make it so your personal feelings don’t become a burden for them.
Either be spending less time with them, or by learning to understand them better. Maybe, beside being younger than you are, the girl has a lot of qualities you don’t know about?
Edit: doesn’t matter how long/sad the story ends, or if it lasts forever. What matters is who you will show yourself to be when your dad needs you. Well, imho.
socially weird for sure, but honestly if it’s legal and they’re both happy, why care? besides, he’s supportive of you, so why not at least do the same to him?
Really there’s not much you can/should do. You can try to get along with her or distance yourself for now. There’s a good chance the problem will solve itself in time. Personally I think it’s a pretty huge age gap but if they really just met randomly and hit it off without pressure then honestly whatever. There are worse things going on in the world than two people under the warm covers of a bed. People are very sensitive about age gaps in modern western society (don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a good thing) but other concepts do exist and reality isn’t always as black and white as we would like it to be.
I’ll come right out and say the West isn’t necessarily ahead on what a good relationship is. Outside of maybe traditional rural areas our extended families are fucked. Some of the people we idolise are openly toxic. The few ideas there are about what makes a good partner are far too abstract and emphasis short-term attributes over lasting compatibility.
Lasting compatibility is the main problem I see here, too, although I’m hardly old enough to confidently comment. A 17 year old’s life and worldview are going to change in a million ways over the next decade. Even relationships with other 17 year olds tend not to last, but then there’s a mutuality to the growing up and going separate ways.
