I got a flu shot last week and have been feeling sick since the day after the shot. It feels strange, all the annoyances of being sick without feeling like I’m oozing contagiousness out of every pore.

I’m more annoyed I am unwell enough to go on some hikes. The leaves from all the trees are falling real quick now and I wanted to enjoy the last bits of fall colours. I also want to gather some forest leaves to use as leaf little in my terrariums at home. Leaves far from pesticides. The things I try to do for my little gecko.

Speaking of her, it’s been just over a week now since she’s begun eating again and she’s hungry. I have her outside play area fenced off in my room but I have no idea if she comes out at night during this time of year or just chills in her hiding cave. During the spring and summer time she just wants to explore my whole room and hide under the couch but right now it seems she turned into a hungry little gremlin that just comes out for food. I’ve also noticed with her that she seems more comfortable with me year after year. Even if just a little bit. She still hates hands though so it’s still a struggle attempting to handle her. At least she has a cute little face.

The last couple months for me have been such a huge range of emotions. I’m glad I began seeing a new therapist at a practice which works with lgbt+ people and alternative lifestyles. It’s made such a huge difference and it feels like my therapist is working with me instead of giving me “one size fits all” responses or coping strategies.

I’m also really happy that my therapist suggested I check out some event promoters for meeting people. Ended up going to an Enter Shikari concert last night and met up with with one of those people I met at a mingling event. She came with one of her friends and they were both super nice and so much fun. One of them was off in the mosh pit half the time and trying to crowd surf, the other was this tiny little girl at the edge of the mosh pit pushing people back in. It was amazing. I woke up the day before with a super stiff neck so I stuck to the edge of the mosh pit with the other. Fortunately the muscle relaxants and weed pills I took earlier helped with the pain so I was able to enjoy the night and energy.

Love that band, amazing show and I had such a good time. The person that met at the mingling party is also into techno, including the hard stuff. She also told me to let her know when I’m back in Toronto when we parted so I’m going to let her know what techno parties I’m headed to in the future.

Her friend also gave me a bunch of metal bands to listen to which I’m excited to check out. I cancelled my Spotify account a while ago so I’ve been re-exploring my current library for the past while. It’ll be nice to add something new. Plus I prefer this form of music exploration compared to all the algorithms and “AI” playlists. It’s far less overwhelming and lets me appreciate albums as a whole again.

I’m in such a good mood right now. Could be better but I’m paying the price for being in the mess of a rock show. Should have been resting my neck at home with a heat pad but last night was worth all the pain.

I went to a party a couple days ago. It’s meant for queer people to meet new people. Had a surprisingly good night and met a few people.

I really wish I knew how hitting on people works because I’m so painfully oblivious to it all. People seem to have a tendency to start kissing and I have no idea what I’m doing. I was just being nice?? Anyway, that night a guy I was talking to started kissing my neck and I had to politely tell him I was just there to meet new people. Fortunately he took it super well. I have plans to invite him to one of the techno parties I go to regularly which should be fun.

Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be talking to a group of people and someone just happened to mention a band that’s playing in Toronto next week. Turns out her and I are seeing the same band play so I think we are gonna go together? We’ve been slowly texting each other so we’ll see but should be fun either way. I’m still pretty excited.

I look forward to hiking the next couple weeks, the leaves are all changing colours, lots of reds, yellow and orange. I absolutely love fall colours.

The second worst part of a new tattoo is the itch. So itchy…

I got a new tattoo yesterday of a couple of mourning doves. The artist working on me was working around some ticklish areas. I kept jumping at all the light touches when she was wiping away excess ink from the area so I asked her to use a bit more pressure when she was working there. She laughed and said no one has ever asked her to be more rough but I was twitching a whole lot less after I asked. Other than that, it was nice to have a quiet mind for a few hours. Getting a tattoo is the closest thing to meditation I’ll ever get.

Also, I’m going to a party this weekend and am both excited and anxious. I think it might be a techno party but the organizers of the party host events for queer people to meet each other. It’s going to be loud which is awful for me when trying to talk to others. I usually go dance by myself because I’m there for the music but this time I’ll have to try and meet some people. I’m hoping since the event is for meeting new people that things will work itself out. We’ll see how the night goes.

I’ve noticed personally just how different my mind works when I am constantly presented with data for my actions. Even though these random data points have no real affect on my life, I’m still drawn to having those numbers be bigger than before. From the votes I receive from a social media comment to the reactions from a meme posted in a discord server, all I want is more attention through a click of a button from someone else’s screen.

I hate it. It feels like my value is placed into a number. For me, I prefer my value to come from how I treat other people. I feel a far greater sense of self when I am able to put my time and effort into helping other people. I get to learn the inner workings of someone else and teach them to empower themselves. It feels rewarding when later on those people I helped express their gratitute and trust in me. That is far more rewarding compared to the quick hit from any brain chemistry when looking at a bunch of data points or a bunch of money.

Unfortunately, I can’t make money this way. Not in the way I want to learn, teach and empower other people. I’m terrified of going into a career that will destroy my innate desire to help others. I know it’ll wreck me in the process. Again.

Capitalism destroys everything it touches by sucking all the life, creativity and humanity out of it until there’s a empty shell left behind. An empty shell that looks like every other empty shell. All those empty shells can be counted, given a value and sold. Reducing us and the human experience to yet another data point.

I truly hope more people come to understand that these data points don’t have to put us in a competitions with each other. That our value as people can come from places that don’t have/need to be from a number value.

One day, our planet will die. One day the last historian will die and all that data and preserved knowledge will sit and decay. It’s human knowledge and it’s meaning has more value to humans than any other living creature on our planet.

Personally, I’d rather live a life where my actions are responsible for the wellbeing of myself, my community and the land under my feet. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if my value can’t be reduced to a number.

I had the great displeasure of working in the trades as an electrical helper turned apprentice for roughly 6 years total. Being male in a male dominated environment was already pretty awful. Especially as a quiet and thin person who in other ways as well did not meet many masculine expectations and was heavily criticized because of that.

During 2020, the company began hiring more women and we ended up with a young woman electrical apprentice. Right away I noticed how many of the older workers would go up to talk to her and linger around her area for uncomfortable periods of time. It was pretty constant and she couldn’t focus on her work.

After about a month of her working there, she asked me for help. I helped her like she was the same as any new apprentice that worked there. That may have been why she kept coming back to me with more questions. After that we became friends where I got to hear more stories from her. Like how she was told to her face that women belong in the offices and was that it was good she was working on a computer when the same person saw her again. Or how she and the only other woman in the apprenticeship classes were followed by large groups of guys after their classes finishes. Just a lot of uncomfortable stories of receiving way too much attention or having her abilities questioned.

I also witnessed two early 20s women who just looked absolutely uncomfortable being in the same building as all these older men who acted so gross towards them. Their body language seemed so closed off as if they could feel the stares while they walked to their work area. Trying to talk to some of the other younger guys about it got a whole lot of “yeah, but what can you do?” comments.

I tried to bring this issue, along with other issues about work culture to HR but all the HR manager did was accuse me of being wrong while telling me I wasn’t doing enough to fix the problem. As a result, they did nothing other than say a bunch of empty words at the next company meeting and fired me several months later.

I quit the trades and cancelled my apprenticeship after that. How I was personally treated was enough for me alone to quit the trades. Knowing how women and people like me get treated by such a large group of people is still significant enough of a reason to me to quit the trades as well.

Any woman in the trades that is able to succeed while dealing with all that sexism, through treatment or pay, is far more resilient than I am. I don’t envy the constant uphill battle of bullshit any woman has to deal with while in the trades.

I generally lurk more than I post content or comment because I naturally tire from the vast majority of online and offline interactions with people. The exception being those people who share the same autism/adhd based experiences and perspectives that I do.

When I interact with fascists online, I already know it’s a dead end to the conversation before it starts. That’s why I begin an interaction with a fascist with the mindset of it being a chance for me to learn and understand their mindset instead of trying to change a person. I also have a 3 comment limit with a rough plan on how my comments will be used during this interaction.

The first comment generally asks to clarify a specific point that they are making. The second comment depends on the response I get but usually ends up with me pointing out a flaw or contradiction from the fascist. The third is a closing thought and a reminder of how they failed to have a clear and understandable argument to continue the conversation.

I have a very broad and hard to explain understanding of how hate and emotions work. This comes from experiences and observations from my life. So this comment format sort of plays out predictably when the fascist inevitably responds after my final comment. That’s where I find the most insight into their thoughts. That’s where I find that missing bit of information that makes it click for me.

I rarely engage them unless they spark a morbid curiosity in me. It’s better that way since it’s much easier and mentally healthier to just let them pass by my screen than to weigh down my thoughts with pure negativity.

I’ve been enjoying the use or weird lately. I’ve had some strong personal opinions on language lately. A lot of it comes with a huge increase of new words that sort of seem abstract from it’s meaning.

I think with how rapid information can spread to large groups of people, it’s just too fast for my mind to keep up. All of a sudden I feel like I’m in a war with words and who knows which landmine of a word will get you in trouble. It causes me even more anxiety when someone comes at you with manipulative intentions in order to control the direction of the discussion.

I think weird works because it’s an almost basic word. It’s simple and descriptive. It’s not a newer, more specific word that requires a deeper understanding of a broader topic. It’s understood by more people. People with varying degrees of language knowledge including people whose native language is not English. It’s easier for more people to understand.

It’s a lot easier to understand someone is weird compared to someone being a fascist.

The Spiritual Administration of Muslims of Tatarstan, the region’s highest religious authority, also backed Kamaev, advising his critics to “watch the podcast in its entirety.”

I’ve seen this tactic used before in a more personal setting. The only discord server I’m on had one person who continually posted hate content or content from people known for creating hate content.

Whenever I called out specific parts of a video that were clearly anti-femme hate, they would attempt to pivot the responsibility on to me by telling me I didn’t watch enough the video entirely or that I need to watch more videos to understand why it’s okay to hate.

In this particular case on the discord server, this tactic was used to hide the fact that they did not understand why anti-femme hate was necessary and needed to be spread. They could not put the concept into their own words to show they understood. Instead they expect you to digest more hate content in order to understand concepts that they themselves struggle to understand.

I can’t help but see the same tactic being by the Spiritual Administration to shift responsibility back onto the people creating the justified backlash. The administration offers nothing in the form of transcripts, evidence or supporting arguments and instead expects you to waste your time and energy finding it yourself through a pile of more hate content.

I personally think that this tactic shows just how shallow hate can be. And while my experience with this tactic is limited to one instance on a discord server, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people got a weird, crazy or completely unexpected results if they pressured the hate-supporter/spreader in to verbalizing in their own words the hate they are spreading.

Since hate and hypocrisy are so closely bound together, I assume it would be safe to bet money that if you asked them to watch a video or listen to a podcast that did not advocate for physical violence, the administration or people who watch hate content would not watch or listen to your suggestion. A game they will play that’s as shallow as their hate.

Yeah, I can see where that can be ambiguous. My intention was not to be divisive. That is definitely something I can keep in mind for the next time.

Thank you for pointing that out.

Can you specify where I distinctly put men in to two groups? Where I stated who is and is not a man? Otherwise I am having difficult time understanding where your conclusions are coming from.

I feel like my words are being misrepresented but I do not know what I am doing wrong in this situation to understand if I should defend or change myself.

I do not know what line I am drawing in the sand when I was talking about a type of person, especially one I’ve had too much experience dealing with personally.

There are many types of people and people are not as simple as an on/off switch.

I guess that’s my personal view coming through. I hate labels and prefer to use broader terms.

Usually when I use men with quotations, I’m refering to the type of men that consume hate content. The type of content that promotes the appearance of male dominance and excessive masculinity that looks extremely gay to the outside observer. The word men that is being forcefully twisted into matching this new and ugly meaning.

I’ve had to deal with these types of people in work settings my whole life and my patience ran out after the covid lockdowns. As a response, I’ve discarded as many labels as possible and have chosen to refer myself as something broader and less precise.

Unless I am speaking to a medical professional, I am no longer a male or man. I prefer to be known as a person. Simply a person. When I meet someone, I treated them as a person, free of labels so that they can show me who they are. I do that because that’s how I want to be treated.

I’ve had a better experience posting comments using broader language in that I received a lot less hate filled backlash. The downside is that I feel the need include a lot of nuance which can make posting comments feel like writing an article.

Broadness and specificity in language has always been a challenge for me. I do try to be as inclusive as possible in my language but I’m not always going to get it right. I can keep it in mind the next time I use men in quotations.

“This is exactly why women should not be police, military, or Secret Service. Her one job was to jump in front and take a bullet for Trump, but instead she cowered behind him.” wrote Jake Shields, a former MMA fighter, above the picture on X. The post has been viewed 5.8 million times.

A potato whose job was to be be punched in the head repetitively by sweaty, muscely dudes while he aggressively cuddles them back suddenly knows the job of a woman in a completely different field of work. So much so that he feels the need to explain her job to her. The job she already did which was all caught on video. Hmm…

Even if she or any other agent took a bullet for Herr Trump, this woman would still receive all the hate and blame. It’s quite clear to me that these types of “men” just want women to be slaves or corpses.

How many of these “men” would put themselves in the path of a bullet for another person? Do they even have the energy or motivation to leave the screen behind to go take a bullet for someone else? Actions speak louder than words and all these dudes just keep yelling. I wonder how much all this hot air get accounted for in our current climate crisis models used by scientists.

I’ve noticed this year just how quiet it’s been. I used to get woken up by all the bird calls, especially in the spring time. Now it’s just low level background noise.

The dull and distant bird calls feels so empty, especially since it’s been replaced by the continuous hum of air conditioning units and lawn mowers, the violent sounds of vehicle engines with the low rumble of rubber tires and other sources of human activity which never seems to end.

It absolutely breaks my heart.

There was also the reality that many tech companies’ leading executives, Bezos included, had reached middle age. Mortality’s inevitable creep was closing in. It seemed unfair — cruel, even — that people who had acquired all that the material realm had to offer might be forced to face a fate so pedestrian as old age and, eventually, death.

Mid-life crises (criseses?) have always been a strange curiosity to me. When I was younger, there seemed to be much more talk about the inevitable mid-life crisis. Typically this crisis was male centred. It often involved men buying expensive new toys such as cars, trucks, motor bikes, boats or doing things such as cheating or chasing younger women. I can’t recall any talk of feminine mid-life crises or any stereotypical responses. Even if there was a typical feminine mid-life crisis response, it seemed to my young perspective that it was heavily overshadowed by the masculine mid-life crisis and it’s response.

It now seems that the mid-life crisis response has evolved to include health and “peak” physical appearance as promoted by social media influencers. I guess this seems like the logical next step. When I was younger, I began to notice a trend in all this behaviour. Many of these men fear death. They are afraid of their aging bodies. They are afraid that other people will notice their aging bodies. They fear they will no longer be respected by other men. They are absolute cowards created by their own insecurities.

Dealing with aging in an aging body is something everyone has to deal with at some point, it’s a completely normal process of life. We humans have the misfortune of excess free time to think and dwell on our aging bodies. For some people, this can scare them into a vicious hunt for the mythical fountain of youth. And if a man can’t find the fountain of youth, then they will chase youthfulness through dangerous hobbies, material possessions, young women and physical fitness. Adrenaline, wealth, status and virility. Combine these things together and you have a vehicle of destruction that leaves behind a hot mess for everyone else to deal with while also influencing and shaping the minds of young boys and men to continue the cycle.

The most bizarre thing about the masculine mid-life crisis is how painfully gay it all actually is. The wealth, the stuff, the young women, the physical appearance, it’s all for other men. It’s a giant performance and they want to be paid in the currency of respect because respect is the secret currency of masculinity. Masculinity is for the male gaze and masculinity has no room for the unmasculine. It’s seriously gay.

And there is Bryan Johnson, a former venture capitalist, who is attempting to achieve his mantra, “Don’t Die,” through a longevity regime that involves a strict diet, going to bed at 8:30 pm, and tracking his nightly erections.

Seriously, what the fuck.

I’m still shaking my head in disbelief from all the penises rockets these dudes launched in their pointless giant dick measuring contest.

From my perspective, separating women from the respect currency of masculinity is one of many aspects that needs to be worked on by men to produce well rounded people. Otherwise we will all suffocate under masculinities endlessly growing ego.

Amazing. Layers of ignorance for an already dumb thing to say.

I’m a person of colour who has a white step parent and has grown up in Canada in a fairly mixed area.

My family history would have started in India but my parents were born in South America and migrated up to North America (both Canada and the US) where my sister and I were born. I grew up “white.” My voice, appearance and behaviour are “white.” I was born and raised Canadian. I’m far from proud of this country where I have spent my life but I will identify myself as a Canadian. My family history had been thoroughly white washed and erased.

I say all this because for all this history I have behind me, it means nothing to most people.

The majority of Indian people here will look at me one way until I speak and then promptly ignore me because I’m not “Indian.”

West Indian people want to be my best friend until they find out I’ve never visited any West Indian country. Then I’ll be treated as an idiot for not embracing a culture I have no real knowledge of and have not been immersed in.

Then there are the white people… No matter how white I act, I will never be “white” enough. I’ll always be the colour of my skin. I could look, act and behave as awful as a white cop and still not be on the same level.

In fact, I have a “friend” who is a cop. He’s not really my friend, more of an acquaintance I’ve known for 10+ years through another more decent friend. This guy is just fucking awful and every molecule in his body is racist and vile. He looks at me, arms full of tattoos and tells me I’d be a perfect “UC.” Undercover Cop. My only value to him is to be used to incriminate fellow people of colour. I’m just not a person or anything close to equal. Always something less.

I’ve never really had a place where I felt I belonged while growing up. Hated for being me from multiple angles for reasons beyond my control while doing nothing harmful to anyone. There are good people out there who treat me as a person first but they are few and far between.

Another quick story, I once had a Dutch guy in Australia tell me that his last name Hoffmeister means “House Master.” You know, from the times when they used to own slaves. Thanks for telling me that to my face, you absolute weirdo.

A long time ago I came across a game that was part of a 1mb challenge. It’s called A New Zero. I played it quite a lot, just flying around and dive bombing boats was entertaining enough for me.

I was impressed with 1mb but 13kb and 96kb is pretty amazing. I really enjoy seeing stuff like this.

I’ve had stocks in a couple forms over my lifetime and after a while, both times I have pulled all my money out.

The first time was shortly after the 2008 crash. All those reassuring words my investing manager person told me were simply sweet nothings. I decided that taking the hit of losing half my money was a life lesson and used the remaining half to go travel and live a life for myself. That investing manager later went on to have a covid party out of defiance for masking requirements, caught covid and died. Felt good knowing my stranger-danger alarms were working even if I didn’t understand my decisions fully at the time.

The second time I simply put my money into a low risk, government stock option for a few years. After watching global leaders fumble the handling of a global pandemic, I lost faith my own government to have my best interest in mind. I pulled my money out again.

I personally feel super uncomfortable allowing other people to make money off my money that I am risking. Even if it is low risk. It make me feel exploited.

Ultimately, I decided I don’t need my money to work for me because I don’t even want to work. I hate the concept of money. To me, money just disconnects us from community and nature.

If you are curious to how I live, it’s with very little. I spent a number of years of my life living out of a 34 liter sized backpack. Living minimally while making sure what I owned had meaning, purpose or intention transfered over to when I finally started settling into a certain location.

I have mixed feelings on this because yes, information can be used to cause harm. That same information has also been crucial to me in understanding how abuse and manipulation have affected me. Without identifying the motive behind certain behaviours or actions, how am I supposed to know which boundaries to put up to protect myself? This is obviously very situational to me because in order for me to act on something, I need to understand the under layers of a topic in order to effectively change my views/habits/behaviour.

This article to me reads as an “Ah-Ha!” moment in understanding how to approach the topic of abuse to abusers. Unfortunately, that part wasn’t expanded on enough and since the article is nearly 10 years old, I don’t think I have the patience enough to see if there is any sort of follow-up regarding how to talk about abuse to abusers.

With the information I’ve learned about abusers and manipulators over the past years, I’ve been not only helping myself place proper boundaries, but encouraging the women in my life to protect their boundaries too by informing them of both actions and intent behind those actions from abusers.

My help is one sided though because there are a few men in my life that are on the border of being decent people, they just need light pushes away from toxic masculine influences. Too much can cause things to crumble. Understanding their intent behind their words has helped in avoiding unnecessary, name-calling backlash. It’s an exhausting balancing act. I more often choose to not engage them because it’s such a long, draining process.

I do wish there were more effective ways of educating the dangers and damage from such forms of masculinity. In my area, medical professionals throw Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness at people and call it a day. I feel those methods are like placing a bandage over a problem without looking at the cause. Those methods seem to cause more anger, regret and frustration. It’s such an overburdened mess. It seems the author is attempting to reframe his methods from “treating batterers” to “a consistent coordinated community response.” Or at least advocating for a consistent coordinated community response in general. To approach this sensitive topic from another approach. I can agree this point could have been expanded upon.

Humans are too complex and there’s so no one perfect way to teach other people. What works for one person would completely zone out another person. What can be useful by one person can be harmful by another. There’s really no easy way to talk about uncomfortable topics and it sucks we have to resort to war tactics regarding such information.