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Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: June 9th, 2023

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  • His response is absolutely not an appropriate response for an equal partner to make, and he knows it and knows you didn’t do it to “make him feel guilty.” He feels bad and so he wants you to feel bad, and that’s just not how adults deal with their feelings. I feel close to this because I could see myself slipping into being like this person if I weren’t devoted to being an equal partner.

    If he wants to be an equal partner, he needs to own up to his mistakes, acknowledge the emotional labor you’re doing, and come up with accommodations for his shortcomings. You have tried to accommodate for him, and that’s just taking on more emotional labor without any payoff. You’re not his mother, your his spouse, you shouldn’t have to tell him what, when, and how to take care of these things. He may need accommodations, and he can ask for help, but you can’t accommodate for him.

    That said, my spouse and I both struggle with ADHD and one way we’ve accommodated our shortcomings is we have a stamp sheet which we fill out every week with cute stamps depending on who completed the task (mine is a penguin). It’s taken a lot of the emotional labor off of both of us, and shows what we need to do or if we’re done for the week and can relax. I’m not saying that solution will help in your case, but recognizing he has a problem, needs accommodations which may involve the whole household is the second step he needs to take. The first, of course, being that he needs to stop trying to make you feel bad because he feels bad. He’s gotta cut that shit out.