“On the roof, it’s peaceful as can be, and there the world below don’t bother me…”

It’ll be less than a ton by the time they make it back to shore.

If only there were some way to prevent this…

Whenever I see “Florida man…” I think it can’t be any worse than the last one, and every time I’m proven wrong.

“The ability to speak doesn’t make you intelligent.”

Every time I open the fridge and see Sweet Baby Ray’s I have to fight the urge not to squirt some directly into my mouth. Does that count?

If she’d been with Larry David she would have at least had some edible underwear for sustenance.

That’s what they want. Live your life to the fullest just to spite these motherfuckers.

“…and NO dessert until you eat all your broccoli!!”