Please read post for full context, and any help/input will be appreciated! Please be kind with me, thank you.

We met on a dating app several months ago during a hectic time for me but I wanted to ease back into dating after a bad break-up. Witty banter right away with us via text. He was a breath of fresh air, so direct and candid especially when it came to the most dark and traumatic topics. Something about the way he texted me made him stand out and made me feel something. However, I had qualms because as much as I do find a “bad boy” thrilling, I can’t say he is my go-to type. He has been through more than anyone should in an entire lifetime: divorce and drug addictions run in the family, absent biological dad and malicious step-dad, grieving multiple losses, PTSD, and he himself was an alcoholic and tried various hard drugs for some time (he says no longer the case). He had to care for his younger siblings and be the bread winner early on. It’s not that I ever want to be judgmental or prejudiced, but I can’t help but feel at least somewhat anxious and afraid of making another dating mistake, this time with a man who has already endured such pain. I am not sure if we are trauma-bonding, but I’m so scared if it is, as we’ve also already talked about my own parents’ dynamic (not the “normal” happy relationship either) and losing friends because they couldn’t see the light.

With all this darkness, why do I feel so attracted? It’s how he has dealt with all of the setbacks, and the way he’s already said things on his own accord that heal the most painful parts of my most recent relationship with a narcissist. How he cared for his family, looked for his father, got past addiction. He consistently tells me the sweetest things and has already started calling me loving names whereas my ex refused to even months after becoming official, already asking me my birthday and wanting to make it special whereas my ex ignored me completely the day of my birthday causing the breakup. He remembers the little things and is proactive with the big things - we’ve talked about our long distance, religion, politics, kids, hypothetical trips/travel. I’ve been love-bombed before, gaslighted, tricked, mocked, neglected. But I do not think he is love-bombing or desperate. He does double-text often and reply immediately each time, but does that necessarily label him “clingy” or that he just simply likes me? In the past, I wished my ex did that more.

I’m also drawn to this man’s maturity. I wasn’t ready for his all-in mentality when we first met, so I actually had to step back, and he was sad but respectful of my decision. I had no idea but he recently told me it took him weeks to get over me, but that he never completely did. He sent a one-word text a month ago before moving to another state hoping to update me or even maybe meet for the first time in person. I was so overwhelmed by everything on my plate that I didn’t respond until recently. Now we’re texting nonstop and having calls for hours, letting it unfold naturally. He’s already told me he’s going exclusive with me and was sweet about me pulling away the first time. He said the long distance may actually benefit us (I don’t think he means opportunity to cheat, but more so because I’m also moving within my current state and will need to be extremely busy which he seems okay with) and that I’m the only person he would move back for. We’ve openly discussed my trust issues and his fear around marriage but that he truly wants to settle down/have kids.

So taking all this in, I have questions for you all. Does he seem genuine in what he says and his intentions? Does he have too much self-work needed before getting into a relationship? Is his past alarming or any red flags relating to his experiences? Are we trauma-bonding or am I overthinking/letting my insecurity about my own track record get in the way? How can we make long distance work when it is starting off this way and even if he moves, I am apprehensive about balancing everything with the intensity of my new career role? During long distance, I really won’t have much time to spare for visits until next year, so should we keep it an open relationship or no label, even though that could bother me as I’d feel insecure and prefer exclusivity? Then again, we’ve both been searching for the right person and if not now, when? It might always feel like it’s not a good time to date because it’s always busy. Also, about trauma-bonding, aren’t we all bonding over some sort of trauma or shared struggle, in order to build that deeper connection