Please read post for full context; any help or input is appreciated! I disclosed sensitive info to a close female coworker (let’s say Ann), who is best friends with the male coworker mentioned (Ned). I’m sure she told him, but then they both seemed to want me to still tell him directly. I did because I believe in doing the right thing, even though I strongly did not want this secret to spread. Ned kept it secret; however, I detest how he started feeling like he had the upper hand and could manipulate me like a puppet to do stupid intern shit for him like repeatedly printing files, including evenings and even attempted to reach me on the weekend by text. I ignored and replied from my work email the next Monday. I could see in his eyes that he had romantic thoughts about me which is largely what made all of this sickening. Ann also went behind my back to tell one of our other coworkers, who is extremely judgmental and tough on people, and even he did not exploit this info - leading us to actually become much closer and respect each other.

What pissed me off the most was when Ned - and Ann - ganged up and tried coercing me into letting him drop me off at home on a Saturday night after I reluctantly made sacrifices in my schedule to meet with them two - choosing to ignore my multiple clear “NO” about the ride as I preferred public transportation. I was having a panic attack in his car while they just relentlessly and repeatedly egged me on, thinking they could break me. They finally let up after going back and forth, and I went home by public transpo.

Ned went to a different team so we didn’t talk for months. I then updated everyone in a mass email about my leaving the overall group, and that’s when he called. Again, he waited until evening - after work hours - to call me. I instantly feel disgusted as it took me back to that traumatic experience. Why can’t he just get the hint and drop it? I did not reach out to him directly to update him, even though it is related to the original sensitive info, because I do not want to talk or encourage anything! I do not want to keep in touch with someone who completely disregarded my preferences and basically nearly kidnapped me. I have no interest in him platonically, romantically, or professionally. Should I call back, text, email from my soon-to-expire work address, email from my personal address, or simply ignore him? I’m afraid it’ll still bug me if I ignore; I also want to be on good terms with Ann even if she doesn’t understand what went wrong and no one has apologized since that incident.

  • Rochelle@beehaw.orgOP
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    6 months ago

    Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn’t really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren’t always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.

    • gregorum@lemm.ee
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      6 months ago

      I gotta be honest: I didn’t even read the story. I just read your headline and advised you to contact HR.

      The rest of it is irrelevant. This person is toxic and terrible, and it sounds like you very much know that. It also sounds like you know what to do, and you don’t need anyone else’s permission to do it.

      Take care of yourself, and best of luck!