I would really appreciate any help! I connected with this guy on a dating app a few months ago and we started texting. It naturally paused for a while because I was traveling during the holidays, and he said update him once I returned. However, I had to deal with a traumatic personal matter and needed time to decompress after the loss. I was still thinking of him though and knew I had to text him. A month later, I apologized and explained everything; he was thankfully understanding.
Eventually, it developed into having several phone calls for 2-3 hours each time (the first one initiated by me). Talking on the calls was so natural and just flew by. Then we soon met for our first date in person, and I know the order of events was perhaps already the road less traveled creating a disadvantage, but the date didn’t go well. He mentioned feeling nervous and kept asking if I was too leading up to the day of, so I tried to make him feel more at ease. I recognize that the guy does not owe the gal in that he needs to pay for her, as assumed by certain gender role stereotypes, but from my experience the majority have at least offered to cover a beverage and it is appreciated. He did not, and threw me off even more by taking my coffee (I ordered first and we ultimately had the same order), leaving me there awkwardly waiting for the next one to be made while he put his cream/sugar in. I felt that was strange and rude right off the bat, even with nerves.
When he mentioned the next spot he wanted to head to after that, we went inside but it was too crowded and I consider it to be one of my safe havens in general so I started feeling anxious about spending hours with him there especially after the coffee incident. I politely suggested a similar smaller, less crowded venue and he seemed offput, almost as if I was personally attacking his choice. We did go but he made remarks that alluded it fell short of his expectations. This was right before Valentine’s Day so I wasn’t exactly surprised when neither of us reached back out until he did 1.5 months later, apologizing for ghosting me and saying he wasn’t mentally ready for dating and felt really lost. I haven’t replied and it’s been another month.
Part of me wants to reply but I cringe at the thought of him ignoring it for another month and this continuing to drag out (I take accountability for contributing to that), or worse - ghosting me completely. I don’t see a romantic future with him at this point and want to handle this the right way, or perhaps more accurately damage control. Should I reply or leave it be? If reply, how should I phrase the text? Was the coffee thing just due to nerves? Thoughts on whether guys should pay on the first date and if it’s okay for the gal to counter with a different venue for the first date? Any other input/advice?
I prefer love to kindness. I’d rather not see people make the same mistake I did, of trying to think my way through important relationship decisions. I hurt myself and others by trying to strategize about love. It was all because I was totally out of touch with my feelings, had no idea, and couldn’t commit to anything unless there was someone else to put their seal of approval on my decisions.
Again, not kidding. I wish I had shaved my head and become a buddhist monk instead of spending the last two decades the way I did. I had the urge, and it was the right urge, but I didn’t trust it. The only reason I didn’t recommend that for you is I don’t know if you’d be a monk or a nun.
But no, I thought I had to work on my career and make strategic decisions.
If I sound harsh, it’s because I’m trying to scare you. The inability to know whether you want that second date is a serious problem which should, in my opinion, be treated as priority one.
Just my two cents. Yes love is full of danger and potential pitfalls. Without the most basic form of radar being operational, ie your own heart, the probability of a disaster is just too high.