I would really appreciate any help! I connected with this guy on a dating app a few months ago and we started texting. It naturally paused for a while because I was traveling during the holidays, and he said update him once I returned. However, I had to deal with a traumatic personal matter and needed time to decompress after the loss. I was still thinking of him though and knew I had to text him. A month later, I apologized and explained everything; he was thankfully understanding.
Eventually, it developed into having several phone calls for 2-3 hours each time (the first one initiated by me). Talking on the calls was so natural and just flew by. Then we soon met for our first date in person, and I know the order of events was perhaps already the road less traveled creating a disadvantage, but the date didn’t go well. He mentioned feeling nervous and kept asking if I was too leading up to the day of, so I tried to make him feel more at ease. I recognize that the guy does not owe the gal in that he needs to pay for her, as assumed by certain gender role stereotypes, but from my experience the majority have at least offered to cover a beverage and it is appreciated. He did not, and threw me off even more by taking my coffee (I ordered first and we ultimately had the same order), leaving me there awkwardly waiting for the next one to be made while he put his cream/sugar in. I felt that was strange and rude right off the bat, even with nerves.
When he mentioned the next spot he wanted to head to after that, we went inside but it was too crowded and I consider it to be one of my safe havens in general so I started feeling anxious about spending hours with him there especially after the coffee incident. I politely suggested a similar smaller, less crowded venue and he seemed offput, almost as if I was personally attacking his choice. We did go but he made remarks that alluded it fell short of his expectations. This was right before Valentine’s Day so I wasn’t exactly surprised when neither of us reached back out until he did 1.5 months later, apologizing for ghosting me and saying he wasn’t mentally ready for dating and felt really lost. I haven’t replied and it’s been another month.
Part of me wants to reply but I cringe at the thought of him ignoring it for another month and this continuing to drag out (I take accountability for contributing to that), or worse - ghosting me completely. I don’t see a romantic future with him at this point and want to handle this the right way, or perhaps more accurately damage control. Should I reply or leave it be? If reply, how should I phrase the text? Was the coffee thing just due to nerves? Thoughts on whether guys should pay on the first date and if it’s okay for the gal to counter with a different venue for the first date? Any other input/advice?
I can’t advise you on anything that happened on the date itself, those are entirely yours and person-specific.
Assuming that you are not interested in anything with him at all, and just want to properly reject him, I strongly recommend not ghosting him fully, and instead give a kind but firm and clear rejection.
You don’t have to go into detail explaining. Especially after mutually keeping distance for that long, it’s clear that there was no spark between you, and you can just say something along those lines. “Sorry, I didn’t feel the chemistry, and I really feel like we don’t match. But I wish you happiness.”
For those last couple questions you ask… My opinion is that they’re are no rules.
Guys being expected to pay feels slimy to me, but paying itself can be good, like a gift, especially if you reciprocate and pay for something else another time.
The gal asking for what would make her happy in terms of which shop to go to… Should be an absolute given. If you feel like you’re not gonna have fun somewhere, recommend the better option, absolutely.
Thank you for one of the more thorough responses addressing my questions. It really helps. One part though that I’m wondering relates to your 1st sentence: what are your thoughts on his behavior at the coffee shop? Do you think that’s strange and rude? I added more context in my comment above as it may not have been clear in the post
Honestly, it sounds to me like he just really wasn’t present in the moment.
I just cannot believe he would intentionally do such a thing, if he was aware of the entire situation, given your previous interactions. I might be projecting, (for I’ve been in such situations, and it was horrible for everyone involved), but I believe he was strongly tuned out somehow. Dissociated, either because of other things in his life at the time, or because of the date itself.
I think, no matter the cause, that’s still a bad sign for a date, he was not in a situation to pay attention to you, which was not a good thing at all.
If you feel some kind of empathy for that, or if you have any degree of interest, you could literally ask him. I think it’s good and proper to ask what was going on, about a time you were hurt, assuming you want further association with someone.
Otherwise, as a rule, I believe other people’s minds are kinda unknowable, and Very unreliable (we make mistakes all the fucking time), so I would not take it personally. I’d be willing to bet, it was not meant to be any kind of slight to you, or any intentional message. He probably just fucked up, and you should probably let it go, and move on.
To be clear, I don’t think there’s a right answer about whether you try to connect with him again or move on. Whichever you honestly feel you want, in your gut, is probably right.
I do think that was likely what happened. And also true that it isn’t good for dating and he might benefit from some more self-work. Thank you!