We kinda assumed my dad would be her proxy as he’s her next of kin (they’ve been married 42 years) but we don’t have the system here. My dad in particular was upset that a third party stranger would make the medical decisions for mum if it came to it, not him. The only thing they did let us decide was whether they’d employ “heroic measures” on the two occasions when she very nearly died. They accepted our request that she not go to intensive care or be resuscitated - that’s something we had spoken about before and we were certain it was mum’s wish.
I’ve made my dad promise to write his advanced directive when this is over. Speaking as a daughter going through this nightmare right now, I would implore anyone over 50 or with serious health issues to write your advanced directive now or whatever the equivalent is in your country - or just have a conversation with your nearest and dearest about what medical interventions you want to have if you’re too ill to speak for yourself, if nothing else. This would have been an awful awful experience either way, but if she’d written an advanced directive or arranged power of attorney before this happened, at least we wouldn’t have this agonising “are we doing the right thing” question hanging over us too.
ETA: the Terri Schiavo case from the US is an example of why I think the court of protection/independent third party system is better than the automatic next of kin/proxy system you guys have. Although it’s been awful and initially insulting to experience, I completely understand why “take my word for it” isn’t considered adequate for medical decision making here. Before things deteriorated so suddenly, mum was saying wildly different things to my brother, then me and then my dad. Save your family this heartache - write your intentions out now while you’re well enough to do so.
We kinda assumed my dad would be her proxy as he’s her next of kin (they’ve been married 42 years) but we don’t have the system here. My dad in particular was upset that a third party stranger would make the medical decisions for mum if it came to it, not him. The only thing they did let us decide was whether they’d employ “heroic measures” on the two occasions when she very nearly died. They accepted our request that she not go to intensive care or be resuscitated - that’s something we had spoken about before and we were certain it was mum’s wish.
I’ve made my dad promise to write his advanced directive when this is over. Speaking as a daughter going through this nightmare right now, I would implore anyone over 50 or with serious health issues to write your advanced directive now or whatever the equivalent is in your country - or just have a conversation with your nearest and dearest about what medical interventions you want to have if you’re too ill to speak for yourself, if nothing else. This would have been an awful awful experience either way, but if she’d written an advanced directive or arranged power of attorney before this happened, at least we wouldn’t have this agonising “are we doing the right thing” question hanging over us too.
ETA: the Terri Schiavo case from the US is an example of why I think the court of protection/independent third party system is better than the automatic next of kin/proxy system you guys have. Although it’s been awful and initially insulting to experience, I completely understand why “take my word for it” isn’t considered adequate for medical decision making here. Before things deteriorated so suddenly, mum was saying wildly different things to my brother, then me and then my dad. Save your family this heartache - write your intentions out now while you’re well enough to do so.